Despite sluicing the taxpayer to the tune of many billions in dividends, our* magnificent water and sewerage companies now want to increase their bills next year by between 24% and 91%, depending upon how well practised they are in keeping a straight face while they take the piss.
In recent months I have been off the sauce almost entirely, guzzling water by the gallon instead. I’ve lost 10 Kgs in weight, and if I look downwards past my stomach I can confirm that I am no longer in the early stages of obesity. All of this progress is however now in jeopardy, as it looks like the most sensible option from 2025 onwards is going to be to exclusively drink beer.
Should this result in inadvertent intoxication, I fear that I might rashly take to the streets with a few half bricks and head to the nearest water company’s offices to wreak revenge on the greedy thieving bastards.
* I say ‘our’ but a lot of them are owned by overseas interests these days. Market rules innit.
After extensive testing, Southern Water have located the source of parasite infection: in their board room.
BTW: good work on the weight loss, Foxy. My otherwise gym-bunny pal had a similar loss by cutting out Friday night beer and curry: who knew?
Southern Water are quite literally full of shite, which is why they have to pump so much of it straight into the sea. Naturally it’s the customers’ fault, so we’re going to have to pay them an extra 91% in order to stop them doing it.
Surely the price of beer will go up as the breweries have to buy water from the water companies. Wine is the answer.
It’s not as if you can say I want to get my water from another water company you have to buy from your regional monopoly, but still let’s drink a toast while we still can to those poor CEOs and shareholders who must be sobbing all the way to the bank.
Some long-established breweries have their own springs to supply their water*. That’s the primary reason those breweries are situated where they are.
*There might only be enough of their own water for small-to-medium scale production, in which case they’d have to buy in extra water. But you can’t make good beer from treated mains water. It needs to be pure spring water.
Breakspears when in Henley had a distinctive flavour. When Henly closed and nrewing moved to Wychwood Breweries, the tasre was lost si they shipped barrels of Thames wter up the road.
Ah of course spring water. Maybe I’ll get the bent over knitting needles and start dowsing.
US universities are described as hedge funds with a sideline in academia for tax purposes. I’m guessing the sold off UK public utilities are pretty much the same, just with a steady flow of money from bill payers to prime the pump for further financial speculation.
“Provide a service? You must be joking. Our job is to bled out dry in the interest of shareholder value, then get a golden handshake to have it taken off our hands back into public ownership”.
I saw a nice bit in Private Eye:
Thames Water debt when privatised: £0
Thames Water debt in 2023: £18 billion
Can’t blame them for wanting me & you to bail them out.
That’s a £266 loss for every man, woman and child in the country. Nice work, Maggie.
That’s for only one water company too.
Yebbut, London pisses on all of us.
Before water was safe to drink, a very weak form of beer was used as drinking water. Something to do with the brewing process removes the impurities without having to boil it. You were able to drink it all day without getting pished. I think it goes by the brand “Fosters” these days.