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Ten Archipelago Hard On(e)s

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1. Deep sea diving boots. 2. Coconut shell and pampas grass underpants. 3. Oysters by moonlight. Be careful. Ghost crab reflux and/or shitting sand goo isn’t fun. 4. A cracked and until recently still ticking sligthly blood smeared watch. Who needs ticking around here. 5. The girl on the soap wrapper looks like Merle Oberon. 6. Edith Piath has been reborn. Lives in the cliffs above me and shits a lot for a bird who doesn’t give a damn. 7. Dolphins respond to saxophones. Sea Urchins respond to paper and comb. It’s all to do with the spines and currents. As above, so below. 8. This ain’t seaweed, baby! These are love Dreads! WTF?! 9. I did not urinate on that family’s sandwiches ‘MR COMMUNITY BEACH MAN’. I AM keeping it down, shh!, but I’m also rrrraaaaaiiiisssiiiiiinnnggg it UP! YEAH! Here, have a whack on this. It stops the sand from running away. I am NOT naked. I am as ADAM… You’re not a man? Wow! You look like a dude. Reminds me of when Ramakrishna… Yeah, whatever, Officer Taser. Here. Gimme a HUG! Feel the LOVE Sgt He Cat/She Cat! OW! DIG!.. Yeah… er… 10. aaaarrrrGHHHHHH!!!! That was totally » Continue Reading.

Yo Joy Longtime? Ballet With The Vallet?

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Hello. Pigs in kaftans and all that. A current disbuggerous linguistic dilemma I have is as follows: do Spanish speaking people pronounce ‘Yo’, meaning ‘I’, as ‘Yo’ eg. yoghurt or a rather vulgar street greeting, or as ‘J’ eg. fruit conserve or ‘Jehova’ the all strutting and tutting psycho sky cop God Of The Desert (or the inevitably beheaded honey and locust crunching river dunking dude, for that matter) and do they pronounce ‘vale’, meaning ‘ok/alright’ etc as ‘valet’ meaning a manservant or a five star bespoke car cleaning service, or ‘ballet’ meaning vigorously swanning about in tights?

Hare Om X

Everyone’s a nobhead, in their own way…

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I rummage through the packaged sliced honey roast ham, and leerdammer, checking for quality and use by date and them shove them back on the shelf in no correct order, and with only a slight twinge of conscience on behalf of my fellow future rummager. I also cast a covert eye out for an increasing lack of (phew, but, why are there only two tills open! AAARGGH!) roaming assistants (most don’t care – one did once, all puffed up nazi ‘actually do you know’ type, off duty!…. can you believe it, who attempted to reprimand me about egg switching, until I, quick as a flash, completely wrongfooted her head and ‘politely’ with an ‘Ah! so you you work here’ pointedly oh so regular concerned customer five minute enquiry about the lack of quality and relevant pricing, packaging and general service requirements etc and etc as she went increasingly and eye dartingly pink faced and faint. She also had her elderly mother in tow who shot me a psychic vibe glance saying ‘good for you, I get this crap all the time now that I’m finally in her clutches’. Anyway, switching egg sizes between boxes, either on the shelf or casually » Continue Reading.

I’m So Easily Seduced

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Are you, by anything, some distraction, some suspended timeless escape, what with all the mind bollock crunchingly tedious repetitive increasing insanity? I won’t say ‘anyone’ because that’s pretty much a fruiteless search these days worthy of a wrestling match between Oscar Wilde and Ernest Hemingway in a dogging car park. I fell asleep for a while this afternoon and dreamt that Howlin’ Wolf served me some strawberry cornish ice cream before winking at me and transforming into Carolyn Jones as an exquisite ceremonial pillar in ancient India. It must have been the turmeric tea at lunchtime. Anyway, I’ve been under the bed and rummaged out my Robert Johnson.

The Tao Of Gherkins

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Honestly, you can’t go wrong. From your cocktail to your cornichon to your full on locked and loaded big boy. Need I say more? Perhaps stay as the mist on a silent sandwich pond. I doubt Chuang Tzu frequented (?) Burger King just for milkshakes.

Hernia Yoga Is For Hard Nuts

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Greetings fellow Kali Yuga Surfers!

Thanks so much everyone for all the lovely words and vibes. I truly appreciate it. xxx I was unable to log in for the past few months as I’d, typically, lost my password/email. Chemo Fog (yes, there is such a weird ailment of the head) and stress didn’t help much either during a few disbuggerous weeks bed ridden with various side effects one of which was a fracking cough that eventually resulted in a hernia. Praise be! Oh joy upon joy!…. but wait! I managed to score a rather cool belt! (We don’t call them a truss in this cave. Far too ordinary and with the added connotation of that thick and dangerous chucky faced cheese fetish nazi about to plunge us into even more chaos).

Anyway, to swiftly allay your mounting fears, I can still do the lotus when chanting. Phew! The said belt is made of special etheric webbing with with a full moon dawn dew glossed moor moss pad, and a detachable ectoplasmic strap. I bought it at Old Mother Goody’s Abracadaberashery at the Thin Place, so we’re talking tip top cosmic kit here. If anyone else is suffering from groin ping » Continue Reading.

The Octopus Test

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They are truly delightful creatures, and highly intelligent. Now, this is not a culinary/ethical question, but one of music/character/integrity. I think Ringo’s ode to our Octopus chums is a thing of pure joy and delight, for children and adults alike. Innocent, fun, great tune, harmonies… it ‘s really is a lovely song, and I’ve just saved Ringo from certain death by piano.

I think this song is a perfect litmus test as to whether:

a) You’re a very nice person. You like this song.

b) You’re a shifty bugger. When you visit a zoo, the sky mysteriously and ominously darkens as all the animals freak out and try and hide in their cages/enclosures. You do not like this song.

You are either a) or b). Option c) is for borderline sociopaths and not included in this test.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/armed-with-10000-more-genes-than-humans-scientists-hail-the-intelligence-of-the-octopus-10451893.html

Four Shillings Short

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I only discovered them this morning via an fb link. If you like the sound of Celtic and Indian folk fusion, this will blow you away. Amazing and so beautiful:

Slainte Shanti

Ooh, get Keef !

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What a card. The ageing cliche that keeps on giving. So, Sgt Pepper is ‘ a mish mash of rubbish’ and on a par with Satanic Majesties ( a few gems on a dog stool quiche).

There was a time (I’d just started shaving and thought John Lennon was the epitome of wisdom and cool) when I admired Keith Richards. With maturity came indifference, and then years later when I read his Adrian Mole on smack autobiography, I realised what an unpleasant man he appears to be. If it’s a pose, it’s a very well acted one, and if so, why choose this particular adolescent posturing ? (Rhetorical). The rebel outlaw from Dartford, sticking it to The Man whilst jetting around the world in billionaire haze of pretension and ego, trotting out the same tired old shite for top dollar.

Anyway, I digress. Keef’s got a new solo album coming out. The world holds its breath in awe and anticipation.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/music/news/sgt-pepper-beatles-was-rubbish-says-keith-richards/

Gnats Of The Apocalypse

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Total insanity, and what with super intelligent AI, the global political mess, climate change etc. A most extraordinarily fucked scene.

It’s not always easy but remember…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv7FNyckr7w http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag126/astralcat379/images%2043_zpsfy00xrsz.jpg http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/gene-drives-government-science-advisers-expected-to-investigate-potentially-dangerous-gm-organisms-10436053.html

Lughnasadh

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is tomorrow, 1st August.

Love & Peace To All – Blessed Be

http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag126/astralcat379/9ee6f94c16bdb01e344d3e556ed58758_zpszn3tru8m.jpg

Beatles Chord Book – One For The Strummers

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Just thought I’d post a heads up for this book, brought to my attention by a chum on Twitter. If like me, you’re a rhythm guitar player, but have often improvised when playing Beatles songs (the chord structures are often more intricate than they appear) , here is the solution at last !

I’m sure other purchasing options are available as well.

Hare Aum 🙂

http://www.amazon.co.uk/22Beatles-22-Complete-Chord-Songbook-Rooksby/dp/0711974594

Talking More Cock:

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Well now you know Tolkien fans, you have all been hoodwinked by a crypto fascist. Hobbits are nasty Tory Middle Earthlanders, and Comrade Sauron is standing up for the oppressed proletariat Orcs.

He’s got form on this one, has Mike: http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/anti-tolkien

I loved your books as a child, you did some great work with Hawkwind, but cock and wind you are spouting, Sir.

http://www.newstatesman.com/culture/2015/07/michael-moorcock-i-think-tolkien-was-crypto-fascist

Great Album – Last Song Let Down

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I was playing CSNY’s ‘Deja Vu’ earlier, and every time I do, it strikes me how such a superb album is rather let down by the last song on it. ‘Everybody I Love You’. It’s not terrible, quite a good bit of jamming going on, but it feels like filler tagged on at the end in comparison to the rest of the album, which starts so gloriously with ‘Carry On/Questions’. CSN(Y) knew you had to open an album with a stunning song, something that The Beatles did so well and yet you have ‘Abbey Road’, opening superbly with ‘Come Together’ and ending with the throw away ‘Her Majesty’ rather than going out on the glorious high of the end of the medley. It’s not quite spoiling the ship for a ha’porth of tar, but does lend a flat and somewhat deflating end to the previous glorious listening experience.

Any other examples you can think of ?

Angelic v Demonic Swingball

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I had pondered Despotic Skalextric. I’d have gone for Stalin ahead of Pol Pot, just, Mick Hucknall in the carpet on the account of sunflower seeds on the track.

I shall go for Sandy Denny swinging it right into James Taylor’s boring nuts. Vam. Shlomp.

Culture ?!

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I saw a link to this exchange between Brian May and Michael Portillo on the issue of fox hunting. Culture is routinely trotted out as an excuse for what I see as nothing more then barbarism and cruelty for entertainment purposes, as also with bullfighting, and I’m heartened to see the increasing protests and awareness against this disgusting activity in Spain, now that it’s been banned in Catalonia.

To me ‘culture’ is an excuse that some would say can be justified by terminology, but nevertheless an excuse for morally repugnant behavior is what it is. Now we have The Tories hoping to taking us back to this, backed by the privileged and their rural supporters.

This is NOT my definition of culture.

Celebrity Dreams And Nightmares

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No, not who you’ve had celebrity encounters with, good or bad, on the Physical Plane, but those you’ve had and with whom on the Astral Plane eg. the realm of dreams.

Last night I dreamed was stuck doing minimum wage menial jobs, dungaree clad in a dusty, crumbling hotel, a labyrinth of dank and dimly lit moldy corridors. An obese women covered in frighteningly garish make was barring the doorway complaining about a toasted sarnie I’d delivered to her room. She kept demanding ‘What’s the filling ? WHAT’S THE FILLING ! ‘ and all I could do was keep screaming back ‘I DON’T KNOW! I DON’T KNOW ! ‘. I was then manhandled into an old lift by Peter, Paul and Mary, one of those jobs with a wrought iron sliding door, and it clanked down to the basement kitchen where I was met by a wrath filled Michael Rod and Cliff Richard cowering by a large chest freezer. I was handed a whisk.

On a more pleasant note, I was dreamed that I was in a boat on Loch Ness with George Harrison. We had a hamper full of egg and cress sarnies and we’re having a picnic and » Continue Reading.