Very simple: pick a band or singer, then make some cheap food-related puns on some of their song titles. Extra praise for the more tenuous and groan-inducing ideas.

I’m not a huge ABBA fan, but a few came to mind:

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Flan after Midnight) Lay All Your Loaf on Me Watervindaloo Does your Mother Know You’ve Got Gout? Chiquititartare

I live in a world where I’ve embraced artistic/cultural denial, and I’m pretty happy about this. Here are some examples from my world, and any evidence to the contrary will be met with a baffled/exaggerated shrug worthy of Marcel Marceau:

– There are three Indiana Jones films. – Morrissey retired with grace and dignity after Every Day is Like Sunday. – Dangermouse is voiced by David Jason, and David Jason only. – Frasier ended at series 7. It will never be revived.

I’ve managed to manoeuvre myself into a mental space where these things have, essentially, become true. Whilst I seek out a good therapist, I’m intrigued to know: how are you in artistic/cultural denial?

I started university in the 90s, which was before the cheap ease of email and texts. As such, my then-girlfriend and I used to write to each other several times a week. The nature of our scribbled love – long since dead – feels almost embarrassing now, but….I simply can’t bear to destroy the letters.

I’ll be clear: I’ve never re-read them, and I’d never share them, but my memory is how full of love and tender emotion they were; I simply cannot destroy evidence of how loved I once was. Vainglorious folly it may well be, but I hope my nieces or grandchildren find them and see that I wasn’t always a moody/ugly sod.

So…what can’t you bear to part with, as silly as it may seem?

There are many great examples of allusion, clever wordplay and poetical whimsy in the history of popular music. There is, however, a place for lyrics that are incredibly direct – and all the better for it.

I was listening to God, Please Let Me Go Back by Josh Rouse, where young Josh declares:

‘I never was a jealous type, but I saw the way he looked at you – He always was a son of a bitch.’

Can’t argue with that. What are your favourite ‘direct’ lyrics?

So, the last bastion of the ‘old’ Radio 2 is on his way: Ken Bruce is off to Greatest Hits Radio. I’ll miss Ken – he was the only thing on Radio 2 I still listened to.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-64305756

It’s 11 pm, and it’s raining. You’re in a darkened bar…watching the rain dance down the window, as the city lights smile kindly in the distance.

What sort of songs or albums sum up this particular mood? Richard Hawley’s Coles Corner album is a late-night standard for me, and A Rainy Night in Georgia by Brook Benton gets me in a melancholy, but very welcome, mood.

I’m sure someone will point out a glut of classics featuring brass, but I just can’t stand parpy trumpets in songs. I don’t mean the solo sophistication of someone like Chet Baker; I’m thinking more Wake Up Boo (and I like Martin Cart’s songs, in general).

I also find myself getting rather annoyed about lyrics that clearly haven’t been proofread. Lisa Stansfield assures us that she, she, she has been around the world, but she can’t find her baby. She goes on to assert that, ‘I don’t know when, I don’t know why, why he’s gone away.’ Fair enough, Lisa. However, in the first line of the first verse, she then states, ‘We had a quarrel…’ Well, that’s a bloody big clue as to the ‘why he’s gone away’ aspect. She goes on to say, ‘I let myself go/I said so many things he didn’t know/And I was oh so bad.’ Again, the asperity of Lisa’s verbal attack is clearly the reason he’s buggered off. But hang on, there’s more: ‘He gave the reason, the reason he should go…’. Well then, why do you repeat your assertion, in the next chorus, that ‘I don’t know when, I don’t why/Why » Continue Reading.

I’m certainly not talking about the best songs. You Can’t Put Your Arms Around a Memory is a good song, but it’s a better song title. New Order have form (Bizarre Love Triangle is a fine title). Morrissey’s solo career doesn’t really interest me, but the Last of the Famous International Playboys is a great title (the song less so).

Over to you..what are the best song titles, even if you don’t (or do) like the song?

With the news that the ‘Bristol four’ have been declared not guilty (https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-59727161), what do you think of a) the verdict, b) the precedent it sets, and c) where it leaves us morally?

Personally, I dislike statues; I find them somewhere between pompous and vainglorious, and the loss of this statue doesn’t bother me at all. However, should all Colston’s other contributions to Bristol now be sold, with the money going to charities that campaign against modern slavery?

Oxford university were debating whether to remove the Rhodes statue. Again, I don’t mind, but is it now incumbent on every recipient of a Rhodes Scholarship to pay the money back? Oxford were happy to take a donation from Max Mosley’s will.

These issues are nuanced, and I don’t claim to have any wise answers. I always welcome the variety of opinions on this site, so…what do you think?

There are certain news stories that seem to repeat every six months.

‘Cure for baldness’. They’ve made a breakthrough? It’s worked on mice? This ‘story’ has been repeated every six months for twenty years!

‘Massive bar/restaurant bill’. Someone’s eaten out in Knightsbridge? The bill was massive? £26,376 for two steaks, a mineral water and a cola? Here’s the receipt!

What other oft-repeated news stories get on your nerves?

I went through a phase of reading a lot of biographies, including books on musicians, artists, writers and comedians. After a while, I noticed something happening…I frequently ended up disliking the subject of the biography.

For anyone who reads Harry Thompson’s biography of Peter Cook (and I’m sure there are some on this site who’ve read it), it’s somewhat revelatory to see just what a nasty man ol’ Pete was. And that book was written by a fan.

There really aren’t many people who’ve grown in my estimation; I’m aware this may be a failing in me. I definitely warmed to Leonard Cohen. I like Frank Skinner – and he can be pretty unpleasant – but his autobiography was wonderfully honest (losing his virginity to a prostitute, for example).

So, away from books, who in the world of celebrity generally comes across well? I like Bill Nighy. Richard Osman seems a decent cove. I had a lot of time for Kirsty MacColl. I’m struggling now.

It seems Rick Astley is playing some gigs composed entirely of Smiths’ songs…

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.nme.com/news/music/watch-blossoms-and-rick-astley-team-up-to-cover-the-smiths-3044696%3ffbclid=IwAR3o4DcGRMlY_eqsnym5u1I9y7mIw06q4I0ls3M9saiPqUVUXw-dZHhn9m0&amp

A lot of people love to give advice. It certainly isn’t always welcome, but it can be beneficial. At other times, however, it can be downright funny…or strange.

Some of the tips I’ve heard over the years:

“Never lend money to an actor.” “Don’t eat bacon on a Tuesday.” “Don’t wash your hair in washing up liquid – if you go outside and it rains, your head with froth up.” “Park under a tree? You’ll be cleaning ‘til three.”

What’s the best, worst or oddest advice you’ve received?

Yes, it’s easy to mock, point and giggle with mirth – we all know it’s easier shouting the answers from our armchairs. That said, one of the contestants on this morning’s Popmaster was truly awful. The signs were there early on, when this exchange took place:

Ken: Ok, bonus rounds. You can have ‘Debut Hits’ or ‘the Hollies’.

Contestant: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm. I’ll go for ‘the Hollies’.

Ken: ‘The Hollies’ it is then.

Contestant: I hope it’s not about the music group the Hollies – I don’t know much about them.

Ken: (completely stumped but trying to be polite) Well, I, erm, it might not be…

It’s a music quiz with a round on the Hollies. What was she expecting? Questions on Christmas-related paraphernalia, or the tree family Aquifoliaceae? She eventually limped to six points (which is two right answers), demonstrating virtually no knowledge on what was a pretty easy and broad set of questions.

So, I ask: do any terrible quizzers or quiz answers come to mind? My personal favourite is the guy who, when asked to name a famous bridge, went for The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

With the sad death of Florian Schneider, I was reminded today that he left Kraftwerk over an argument about a bicycle pump.

I seem to recall that Mickey Rourke turned down a role in a major 80’s film because he didn’t like the director’s jacket.

So, what’s the best/worst/most amusing reason someone has left a band…or turned down a project?

With a bit (ok, loads) of time on my grubby mittens, I have been clearing out the hundreds of CDs in my collection, and I’ve been attempting to marry the many lost CDs with their cases.

In doing so, I came across What’s the Story (Morning Glory) by Oasis. I haven’t listened to it all the way through since the week I bought it; if memory serves, you had to queue to buy it. I’ve given it a spin, and what a bloody average-to-poor album it is. Having done a bit of digging, I see that many reviews at the time called it out as being disappointing.

I’m no hater of Noelly G: he’s written some belters, but this?…A Gary Glitter sample? Two songs that last less than a minute to pad out the album? A song that blatantly lifts from the You and Me theme tune? Please: this album sold 22 million copies, and it was voted the best album since 1980 at the 2012 Brits.

Over to you. Am I being harsh? What other albums got a critical kicking but were loved by the public?

I see Johnnie Walker is starting a new Rock Show on Radio 2.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Johnnie, mainly from his time on the Radio 2 Drive time show. He’s the antithesis of the drivel-talking, fired-up local DJ: he clearly loves music, and he isn’t overly concerned with what’s popular or current. I wouldn’t say he’s changed my life, but he’s been a very welcome audio passenger in my car for many years.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that Chris Evans is a whoopee cushion in human form, and I have to change station whenever he’s on.

Which DJs do you like/remember fondly, and who makes you want to smash your wireless?

I voted Remain. I know a lot of people who voted Leave. A lot of them are, on the whole, nice people. I’m sure there are posters on here who voted Leave who are the same.

So…if Brexit never happens (and it may well not) and we never actually leave, what do you think will happen? I still think it makes sense to stay in, as the EU can be problematic, but the solution to the problem is worse than the problem.

Ok, we never leave. What happens… -politically in the UK? -in the EU? -to UK democracy in future? -to the far right? The left? -to already disillusioned voters? -to mainstream parties?

Let’s keep this civil!

I’ve just heard the new Beyoncé song, Spirit, which is from the new Lion King film. It truly is spectacularly awful.

Now, I have nothing particularly for or against Beyoncé, but you have to hear it: it’s a cigarette paper-thin idea polished within an inch of its life. They’ve thrown in what sounds like about eight choirs, let alone one. At various times, the anorexic melody threatens to turn into The Voice by John Farnham (who should probably ask his lawyers to have a quick listen).

What other examples of overblown, awful, we-know-it’s-crap-but-we’re-doing-our-best-with-it songs are there?

I’m not talking about the best songs put out under the ‘Beatles’ name that are, essentially, one person’s work, so no Let it Be, Across the Universe or, God forbid, Old Brown Shoe.

I’m not even really talking about the early Lennon/McCartney collaborations; I’m talking about the songs where three, if not all four, made a decent contribution to a great song (so none of the crappy instrumentals credited to all four).

Over to you…

John Bishop lives in house worth £6.8 million, despite having no visible hint of talent.

Just how much cash are comedians making?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-47845861

There are certain songs that are just worn out. They may have been great at the time; they may have been dreadful. However, there are some songs that seem to reappear every few years like a drunken uncle double-dipping his his way through a Christmas buffet, and I, for one, have had enough:

Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! – I beg you: no more of this twee rubbish. It’s not only been karaokeed to death, but every Xmas variety show features some twerp hamming it up whilst singing this.

All You Need is Love – I love the Beatles, but this hippy drivel is one of their worst moments. It seems to get covered (most recently by Noel Gallagher at the SPOTY) on a minute-by-minute basis, usually with the cynical intention of manufacturing a merciless sing-along. Who actually wants to hear this again?

Cry me a River – The sort of song only Michael Buble and hardcore karaoke buffs take seriously. Look everyone! I can REALLY sing! Appears on every album ever recorded where the cover features a man in a tuxedo with an undone bowtie.

What other songs never need to » Continue Reading.

We all know about the continual misuse of ‘literally’. Usually employed in a verbal volley by the likes of Jamie Redknapp, the word has shifted meaning; indeed, young Jamie may well end up being responsible for the death of the word ‘figuratively’ (I’m with Frasier Crane on this one).

What other words are changing their meaning? My nominations are ‘allude’ and ‘obsessed’.

‘Allude’ is traditionally defined as ‘suggest or call attention to indirectly; hint at’. Not any more. Again, it’s sportsmen doing the damage. A typical podcast will often flow along these lines:

FLINTOFF: “England football team were rubbish at the last tournament. Rubbish. They couldn’t pass, shoot or tackle. Pathetic.”

SAVAGE: “Yeah, as Fred’s just alluded to…”

No, Robbie. He wasn’t alluding – he was explicitly mentioning.

My second choice, ‘obsessed’, is traditionally defined as ‘preoccupy or fill the mind of (someone) continually and to a troubling extent’. I’m not sure it’s used in this way now. Here are some uses I’ve heard recently:

“I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones!” “I’m literally obsessed with Christmas films.”

I know both of the people who are responsible for the quotes above. They actually mean, » Continue Reading.

“You’ll meet someone when you least expect it.” This, frankly bizarre, nugget of wisdom gets thrown at all single people. If you’re taking a shower alone at midnight in a locked bathroom, surely this might qualify as a ‘least expect it’ moment? Did my future bride bob up from the U-bend and declare her amorous intent? Sadly not.

“He’s hit it with his favoured left foot.” how many left feet does he have?

What are your favourite clichés?

I heard Mary’s Prayer by Danny Wilson on the radio the other day. There’s a part of the lyrics where he says, “I used to be so careless/As if I couldn’t care less”… Hang on a minute, Danny boy, that’s what careless means, doesn’t it? What the devil are you on about?

What other slightly baffling lyrics are out there?