The Afterword

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DON’T PANIC

by 159 Comments

Incredible. All it took was a Minister to go on TV and tell people it’s only a couple of forecourts that have been temporarily closed, no need to panic buy petrol, and 30 minutes later there’s fighting in the UK streets. I think everyone actually realises there’s no shortage, just a distribution issue, which won’t be an issue if everyone just carries on as normal and doesn’t OI BACK OF THE QUEUE YOU TOSSER! Sorry, as long as everyone doesn’t go all zombie apocalypse and spend all afternoon in a queue revving their engine a foot behind the car in front.

Fill the bunker with Andrex and hunker down, lads!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-58670792

The memory of heft

by 23 Comments

I threw some potato peelings into the dishwasher last night and immediately thought, oh, good evening Dr Alzheimer, I’ve been expecting you. Actually it was more likely a couple of convivial visits from Mr Gordon and Mr Fever Tree that contributed, but that’s not the point.

The dishwasher and the bin are side by side in our kitchen, both behind identical white doors, although one is wider than the other, so not identical at all. Up until last night I had never, as far as I know, trashed the crockery or jet-washed plate scraps, and the reusable/disposable decision-making process has been semi-automatic. Subconscious, really.

So why, having grabbed the wrong handle, and seen, albeit fleetingly, the gleaming racked innards of the dishwasher, did I proceed to fling the skins? The memory of heft, that’s why. My hands and head have a specific approach to each door, memorised and practiced over 10,000 repetitions. For the dishwasher it’s a strongish tug, out and down, which immediately decreases in intensity, forte to pianissimo. There’s even perhaps a slight bend of the knee there, weight on the back foot, a swish of the hips, like a pull shot. Weight distribution, balance, poise, it’s all » Continue Reading.

All Hail Blind Love

by 32 Comments

I only fell in love with three older men in the 1990s, and two of them have had babies in the last month.

In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s I might be smitten by any Tom, Dick and Harry who’d been on Top of the Pops that week. Any Paul, Bruce and Rick with their Rickenbackers and skinny ties. Any Joe, Mick and Paul with their cap-sleeve T-shirts and Mohawks, any Robert, Lol and Simon with their eyeliner and sticky-up hair, any David, Mick and Steve with their astonishing beauty and meandering basslines. I even had a last-fling dirty thing going on with those hard-faced Manchester boys Ian, John, Mani and Reni, in the final days before I got married and sobered up.

By the Nineties I’d seen through all that and it was only Neil, Justin and John. And it’s Neil and Justin whose latest spawn I’ve been listening to this month.

Crowded House and Del Amitri; back then you’d struggle to find anything in the six-CD autochanger of my powder blue Alfa Romeo 156 other than the five albums those two produced over those ten years, except for the three that came from my third lover, John » Continue Reading.

Song of the Summer and it’s still only May

by 5 Comments

Never mind the excellent lyrics, multi-instrumentalism and singing, this is an amazing piece of sonic choreography – all live and looped. It’s all in the feet, which unfortunately you can’t see.

And a gorgeous summer groove too.

So, Jeremy Corbyn

by 129 Comments

One of our most regular topics over the last five years has done his last PMQs. More than likely the next Labour leader will be more centre left. He bumbled and sulked around the place and got beat in elections twice, the second time humiliatingly to the oaf Johnson. He galvanised the youth, but lost the middle-aged, middle-class middle.

But would the country be any different now if he’d got Labour into power?

EVERYBODY PANIC NOW

by 107 Comments

There was a guy panic buying toilet rolls in Budgens last night. Budgens! They’re about a quid each, and made from a loose weave of spider webs and spit. With maximum poke-through potential, he’d need to wash his hands with bleach after every crap, if he could find any bleach on the shelves. He’s clearly not worried about food shortages because he’s planning to shit just as much if not more than usual for the next six months.

Meanwhile in Sainsbury’s there’s no pasta. Has it been withdrawn from sales because it’s from Italy? Or are people stuffing their cupboards with low-cost, long-life carbs? Has the penne dropped? Should we panic now?

And signs of mass hysteria near you?

Is the BBC biased?

by 57 Comments

In classic ‘get your excuses in early’ style, all sides of the election debate are lining up dear old Auntie as the reason why they’re not going to win. Usually if all parties are disgruntled with the coverage they’re getting you can probably say the broadcaster is doing a good job. But we’ve seem to have gone beyond that and into this weird reality where the fact that all sides are complaining about the BBC means there must be some substance to it.

The problem with conspiracy theories is after a while everything becomes evidence of conspiracy, and evidence that disproves the theory must therefore be… part of the conspiracy.

Here’s three stores from the BBC leaders debate, alleging pro-tory, anti-libdem and anti-tory bias. They’re all from sources which I’m sure we can agree are themselves unashamedly biased.

https://www.thecanary.co/trending/2019/11/23/bbc-news-editing-the-audience-reaction-to-boris-johnson-is-really-not-okay/ https://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/1208396/Brexit-News-General-Election-latest-Jo-Swinson-Liberal-Democrat-BBC-debate https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7716685/BBC-faces-bias-row-Boris-Johnson-confronted-hostile-audience-Question-Time.html

I’d be interested to know what the venerable members of the AW think

England v Australia

by 25 Comments

The Cheats v The Chokers. My heart says England, my head says Australia.

The Hollies Stand (named after the ATIB Hitmakers, obviously) will greet David Warner with all the respect that great ambassador for the game and his country deserves. The M6 is still blocked with sandpaper convoys heading for Edgbaston hardware stores. It’ll all be in good humour and if he plays well, they’ll applaud him for it.

I can’t see myself getting much work done today. This is about cricket, by the way.

Kill Tory Scum

by 16 Comments

A band called Killdren have had their slot at Glastonbury cancelled because it’s come to light they have a song called Kill Tory Scum. I’m in two minds about this.

On one hand, I do get exasperated by abuse and violent imagery being used to demonstrated strength of feeling. It’s easier than engaging with facts, but it’s not going to do much bring two sides of a debate together. This case does seem particularly wince-making – it’s hard to imagine any other word – ‘Labour,’ for example – that you could put between ‘kill’ and ‘scum’ and not expect to get shot down.

On the other hand, it’s rock’n’roll. It’s supposed to be big and dumb.There’s a proud history of inarticulate howls of rage to be upheld here. There’s a reason political and philosophical treatise aren’t written in rhyming couplets with a repeating chorus and a shouty coda, and there’s a reason why Bono sounds like a dick when he forgets this. That’s because he’s a dick, but that’s not my point. Even when it’s more considered, popular music has always maintained a vengeful side:

And I hope that you die And your death comes soon And I’ll follow » Continue Reading.

Danny Baker, the racist?

by 315 Comments

Our former Word Blog colleague has got himself in a spot of bother. Yesterday he tweeted a photo of a chimpanzee in a suit and captioned it ‘Royal Baby Leaves Hospital’

Interpretations of this seem to fall into two groups: 1. The lifelong Millwall fan is obviously a racist 2. The cheeky chappie man of the people did a racist thing, but isn’t a racist.

Dan threw in a third explanation, which is that he never made the connection between a day-old mixed-race baby and a chimp, because he doesn’t have a ‘diseased mind.’ That’s fair, if you accept that despite being a massive footie fan and pundit, he never realised what all the monkey noises and banana-throwing was about. In a subsequent tweet, he added a couple more theories; 4. it was a joke and 5. I had cancer once, you know.

My guess is, if you liked him before yesterday you’ll still like him now and if you didn’t he’s guilty as sin. And if he doesn’t lose his job he’ll have Spurs to thanks for giving people something else to get excited about. Thoughts, anyone?

Generation Sex

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For chaps of a certain age – a few years younger than the AW regulars I suspect – here’s a curious little thing. Cook, Jones, James and Idol on Tuesday night in LA. All the hits, if you prefer Swindle to Bollocks.

They all got old as did we, but there’s still something about Steve Jones’ supercharged Chuck Berryisms and Cook’s thumping enthusiasm that makes me go a tiny bit trembly.

Unexpected things to get passionate about

by 40 Comments

Get me, doing list thread. While cooking tonight’s dinner I’ve been listening, for the first time in over 30 years, to Bauhaus’ Press The Eject and Give Me The Tape. Don’t for goodness’ sake try this at home – it really is the most overwrought goth guff. I can’t imagine what 19-year-old me ever saw in it, with his stupid hair and his stupid coat, and his stupid cheekbones.

Anyway, there’s a song on it called The Spy in The Cab and it’s about, ahem, the ‘all-seeing mechanised eye’ which stops lorry driver exceeding the speed limit and their contracted hours. ‘Automated autonomy,’ apparently. At least I think it is; maybe I’m missing something.

It occurred to me that tachography must be one of the weirdest things anyone’s ever got really cross about in song; but I may be wrong. Are there songs about traffic light sequencing or over-sold extended warranties? I’m sure there are.

David Ford Animal Spirits

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What does it sound like?:

The John Maynard Keynes Blues Explosion? I have to declare an interest here because I’ve known the boy Ford since he was a spotty oik playing third rhythm guitar in my pick-up band in the 90s. This album, his fifth-and-a-half, goes where none has ever gone before, with a fusion of blues rock, Americana and economic treatise. If Robert Johnson had met Adam Smith at that fateful crossroads, and Milton Friedman had showed up with his SG and Marshalls, it’d sound something like this.

It sounds great, actually, courtesy of producer James Brown, not that one, the other one. Like the coolest PPE professor at a provincial university, the one the girls with glasses go for, Ford patiently take us through the last 20 years of unfettered capitalism, pointing out the fallibility of monetary policy over crunching guitars, pinpointing the moment greed went bad over rock-solid riffs. It’s a series of three-minute lectures, but without the polemic you’d expect from most musicians with a political point to make. It’s disappointed dissection rather than diatribe. All very reasonable.

As Rockenomics concept albums go, it perhaps runs out of steam a little, with the big soppy » Continue Reading.

All Things Must Paste

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I love this picture of a billsticker pasting over an advert for Jarrod Dickenson’s Ready the Horses album and looking down to see a somehow familiar face looking up. Such is our allotted 15 minutes; one man’s brush with fame erased by another’s fame with a brush. Or something; that doesn’t quite make sense. Better captions are probably available.

Apparently it’s not a set up, by the way – he was just passing.

View post on imgur.com

KFCUK! Is the chicken crisis symbolic of the decline of Britain? Or what?

by 21 Comments

A much-loved purveyor of greased bird parts puts out a tender for its distribution and chooses – hello! – a lowest-offer boxshifter with no experience of moving soggy poultry. On day one, less than a third of the chain’s high street obesity farms receives its order of reformulated hen lumps.

This goes on for days. The British public panics and swamps the police with calls for justice. The fuzz point out, with some justification, that dealing with salt-fed chicken scarcity or Zinger-related disgruntlement is not high on their list of priorities. Meanwhile breasts and thighs go pale and sweaty in the backs of vans. Charities can’t take them, because hunger doesn’t kill people, chickens do. A lot of chopped chook gets chucked. Farmers and franchisees – small family businesses – bear the brunt.

The media loves it and schedules are cleared for minute-by-minute updates from the KF-cene of the crime. Slack-jawed Boneless Banquet gobblers, their pasty faces already de-scaling as withdrawal takes hold, line up to announce, wattles a-wobble, that this denial of their usual fat-stacked BucketFeast is dangerously prolonging their lives. Social media goes into meltdown with You Had One Job memes exploding servers across the country. KFC joins » Continue Reading.

Do all crowds sing in tune?

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Thought you might like this. There’s a theory that in a large group of people the sharp and flat singers will cancel each other out and you’ll get something like perfect pitch. Our boy David Ford tested this at the Milk and Cookies charity show on Saturday, using the audience and a mixing desk to recreate an Afterword-friendly classic.

Pork Jesus

by 36 Comments

Was anyone *really* offended by Greggs Nativity Sausage? Does anyone know anyone who was? Who is most entitled to be offended by it – Christians, Jews or vegetarians? And are you now a) more or b) less aware that the apostrophe-free apostate Greggs sells sausage rolls?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/41997936/greggs-sorry-for-swapping-jesus-for-sausage-roll-in-nativity-scene

If it was Pret a Manger it’d make more sense.