This is an article that intrigued me because these two unfortunate women were trapped in a lift for three days. To stave off dehydration, the report says that they drunk their own urine.

It don’t think that is likely, unless they happened to be carrying receptacles with them. I think the more likely scenario is…well…I don’t think I have to spell it out.

Also, as someone pointed out on TV last night – this was a perfect opportunity to declare a miracle and not mention anything about the urine drinking.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/europe/69227077/kiwi-nun-trapped-in-rome-lift-drank-urine-to-survive

I am so ashamed.

Last night I watched an if you will about Motörhead on TV. Now I knew that Lemmy was in Hawkwind – no problem there – and Hawkwind did the brilliant, berilliant Silver Machine. But I had never seen footage of Silver Machine being performed live before. I had no idea that Lemmy provided the vocal for that song. May God have mercy on my soul.

I am assuming that absolutely everyone else knew that. But this passed me by.

Would you like to confess anything similar?

A week or so ago I was at a course in a cheapish hotel. In the gents loo was this condom machine. I think everything about it is very funny. The jumbo jet (hinting at the glamour of international travel), the slogan “take ’em everywhere!” – the fonts used, even the heading “Two Condoms”.

I liked it so much I took a picture – and here it is.

As I do this, I am aware that there will be a sea of bemusement, near-total indifference from the Massive.

What’s my point? Well…we all seem to appreciate music in a private way. To me, it doesn’t really matter if no one else likes The Rock Steady Crew. But humour is not the same. We all seem to want to share funny stuff – possibly because we like to react as an audience, together. It somehow feels incomplete if you can’t share a funny thing with someone else.

So tell me… is there anything or anyone that you – and you alone – find amusing? Can you explain why? Let this thread be your audience. I am interested in this kind of thing, genuinely.

» Continue Reading.

I know we have tickled this trout before, but yesterday I listened to two songs in a row on DadRock FM that had lyrical howlers:

1. Moonlight Shadow – Mike Oldfield

I like this song very much, but think how much better it would be if the words actually meant something? Even so, there is a very irritating bit. “4am in the morning”. I gave the radio what for, I can tell you – I said in my best Dayyvid Baddiel sneery sarky voice “What…as opposed to 4am in the afternoon??”.

2. Saltwater – Julian Lennon

“We are a rock revolving around a golden sun We are a billion people rolled into one”

There were at least 5 billion of us when he wrote that. Even if we allow for poetic licence, what would have been wrong with “5 billion” – why instead sing “a billion”? I think in those pre-internet times it might have been harder to instantly get the right number. He probably couldn’t go to a library either because he’d be pestered by fans.

Neither of these things make me want to go all Lynne Truss and fork out my own eyes with a, erm, » Continue Reading.

Jack Warner – FIFA grande fromage from way back, is citing an article from The Onion – yes, The Onion – as proof of US wrongdoing.

Wait until he gets to the articles about Princess Kate giving birth to a lizard!

http://time.com/3902835/fifa-officials-falls-for-onion-gag/

I completed this exercise earlier today, thinking that it was probably Sparks on TOTP. But no…that led me back to earlier songs – Roxy Music, Slade and Little Jimmy Osmond. Then I went back further to Alice Cooper and Benny Hill. And then the clincher – I totally remember Grandad by Clive Dunn late 1970. He was 50 when he did that, you know.

You have to be really disciplined here – you have to recall an actual time when you watched this song on the TV. Nostalgia shows may play tricks with our memories. I searched through 1969 online and although we had Lily the Pink, Albatross, Sugar Sugar and Boom Bang a Bang as singles in the house – I cannot in all honestly remember seeing those on TV – not even Lulu! It could be that we didn’t have a telly, or that I was just too young.

So, after having checked all the registered historical facts, I can say with absolute clarity that my earliest TV memory of pop music is Lee Marvin’s Wanderin’ Star in March 1970. I remember it because I loved it and it was on our new telly in the front » Continue Reading.

As there’s been a few rumpo-themed threads recently I thought I’d slap another one on the table for you to look at.

What I am wanting is your *least* sexy pop stars. I don’t mean the ones that are simply not much to look at – I am talking about the ones who have been bashed repeatedly by the ugly stick but still tousle their hair, turn up their collars and peer in a significant way through venetian blinds bathed in street lighting – tortured by the thought of breaking another young woman’s heart.

In this example, Jesse Rae is reassuring a young lady that he’ll be home soon and she shouldn’t be sad. I think she’ll be all right somehow, Jess!

https://youtu.be/dOad0FU9zF8

In the 80s there was this song about living in a box by a band called Living in a Box but I can’t for the life of me remember what the song was called. All of their other hits are all over You Tube, of course – but not the one I’m after. There are a fair few pop music boffins here…so does anyone know?

Most people dahhn the pab would say that Michael Jackson didn’t do anything any decent after Thriller. In fact, many would contend Off the Wall was his last slab of the good stuff. I don’t agree. There was still some quality material after that.

So my question is – what would a ten track album of the best of all of his post-Thriller music look like? Here are my suggestions:

Will You Be There Stranger in Moscow Black or White Jam Scream Leave Me Alone The Way You Make Me Feel Smooth Criminal Blood on the Dancefloor They Don’t Care About Us That would be a great album. Any thoughts? I am risking zero comments, I realise, but I enjoyed listening to the songs again.

Just thinking about Brucie thanks to the other thread – and it made me wonder if he was the oldest living pop star i.e. someone who has had a hit single in the charts. He isn’t – I am thinking it could be 91 year old Doris Day…?

There’s a famous true statistic that no first class cricketer has ever reached 100 years old. What about pop stars?

http://youtu.be/9Hp8aeqjysM

It’s Mothers Day here in New Zealand – but before I get to that, here’s a picture of Charlotte Church.

She’s got me wanting to watch Network. I’ve only seen it once and that was years ago.

In the film, the news anchorman goes off script, commenting in a scathing way about the state of the nation. He fears the sack…but the audiences love it and he ends up mobilising a mass protest movement. He gets the whole city to open their windows and shout “I’m mad as hell – and I’m not going to take it any more!” Charlotte Church has obviously seen the film.

When I saw Network all those years ago, I wondered who – in real life – could carry enough influence to wander off script, stare into the camera lens, and help put a stop to all this shit. It’s not going to be Russell Brand, Charlotte Church or Eddie Izzard. I think the British people, bizarrely, would respond best to an establishment figure. Elected politicians aren’t going to.

My mum died in a NHS hospital. After nearly 3 years I am still not able to express in any articulate way just how disrespectful » Continue Reading.

Moose shared the story of Paul Heaton writing The Beautiful South songs on a day return ferry from Hull to Zeebrugge/Rotterdam.

The other one I heard was that when Nigel Blackwell of Half Man Half Biscuit “fame” needs to come up with some new songs, he simply lies on the couch and watches telly and makes up songs based on what he’s watching.

How do other songwriters come up with the goods? Not interested in Sting’s method because it’s probably something to do with rudies, knowing him.

I am only on 2 fags a day but the writing is on the wall. I don’t feel good doing it and it does stink. I am thinking that e-fags are the way to go based on a strong recommendation. Anyone share any experiences here?

Meanwhile, here’s a very funny ad from New Zealand.

If you didn’t know this already, NZ is planning to be smoke free by 2025. One of the measures is to increase the price by 10% a year. That will compound to a huge price for a packet of fags in 2025. I think they have said $100 – roughly 50 quid.

http://youtu.be/-mawjDYWi4k

What did you buy and when? How much do you think it’s worth now?

I had a signed copy of Heaven 17’s Luxury Gap from 1983. I already had the album but I was convinced that this would be extremely valuable in the 21st century. It isn’t (I assume).

As well as countless limited edition numbered 12″ singles. One version of a Depeche Mode release was completely clear on side two – with a rose design in the vinyl. They really saw me coming. I already had the actual songs FFS. This is something that downloads can’t really replace – clear vinyl, picture discs and the like. I bought A Flock of Seagulls (I Ran) on the strength of it being a picture disc.

Do you have anything to declare?

I have just finished Pete Townshend’s Who I Am and I quite enjoyed it. His voice is quite like that of the comedian Bob Mills – but older. He seems to genuinely amuse himself at times, which is quite endearing. Although he is self-effacing, there was a great Spinal Tap-esque bit where he talks about a theatre run that didn’t go as long as he’d have hoped. He says, genuinely, “in the end, it didn’t get the audience it deserved…”

I listen to audible books via smartphone in the car and I have at least an hour and a half every working day. I have listened to Alan Partridge, Baker, Fry and Brand.

Are there other audible books that you have enjoyed? Any about pop music?

I read yesterday that the young man dressed as a priest on the cover of Depeche Mode’s People are People was Hugh Grant – and he was paid twenty quid! By far the most embarrassing thing he’s ever done.

Are there any more? Did Benedict Cumberbatch dress as a marionette for a long-forgotten Classix Nouveau single cover? Could that be TV’s John Sergeant in the crowd at the 100 club, gobbing at Rat Scabies?

You remember Top Gear in the 80s don’t you? A dull weekly car show shown on BBC2. Mostly studio-based, it catered for the (mostly male) audience that liked cars. Enough of this core demographic tuned in to keep it trundling on for a very long time.

You will also know that It was remodelled into a very entertaining and popular show that switched the focus to comedy. The cars were still there as a theme, but not afforded the same hushed reverence. Over the years, in-jokes developed and other characters invented until of course it came to an abrupt end recently.

I am sure that this kind of thing can be done with music. The hangar could be set up for live performances – but only at the beginning and end. Otherwise the audience would be there for the interviews with music-related celebrities and amusing regular features, including reviews of new music. Filmed sequences of the presenters doing stupid music-related things (e.g. being roadies, being in videos etc).

TFI Friday was the closest thing to this – but this didn’t have a mainstream, older audience in mind – and they had lots of live music performances.

Who would be » Continue Reading.

“Ordinary, hard-working people”

The oiks who know their place and do as they are told

“Let me make this absolutely clear”

Let me make this really, really complicated in the hope that the following minute or so of waffle-o-rama will get me nearer to the end of the allotted time.

“When ordinary members of the public people talk to me in the pub or on the street in my constituency…”

I never, ever, go to a pub and I never, ever, speak to people on the street unless I am on the hustings and there’s a camera crew filming. I mention my constituency to make out that I am always there and tirelessly working for the people in the area. Apart from a monthly one hour “surgery” (which I don’t advertise), I never go there.

“I’m glad you asked me that”

Oh *shit*!

What else?

Oh dear. Jay Z has launched a music streaming service to rival Spotify but the launch seems to have gone down badly.

Basically, Daft Punk, Kanye, Madonna, Beyoncé and several more are promoting this a revolutionary move. They have changed their avatars on twitter etc to blue to promote this as if it is a noble and charitable raising awareness thing. There has been a ceremony where they have all signed a document and have held a one-sided press conference where the themes are all around artistic integrity and emancipation for the recording artist.

It’s repulsive and an alarming lack of judgement from all involved.

http://www.theguardian.com/music/2015/mar/31/jay-z-spotify-music-streaming-relaunch-tidal-support-artist

Well from my perspective here in NZ, tomorrow is going to be a quite a day. Doing a charity walk thing in the day and then from 4:30pm the cricket will be on until it finishes – could be 11pm, if it goes the distance. Yes, kids have school the next day but the older ones will be allowed to stay up because something like this doesn’t happen every day. Hopefully the barbie will sparked up and we can enjoy a late summer evening with friends.

In day to day life, there is no animosity between Australia and New Zealand – but these two teams are both “nuggety” – that is, they will not give up. Not until the very final moment.

Some say that Martin Crowe is New Zealand’s finest batsman – he has said that this will in all likelihood be the last game of cricket he watches. He is dying from lymphoma – which he thought he had overcome until it came back again aggressively last November. He is not undergoing treatment.

This could be a classic game which will be talked about for generations. . I have been living here in NZ for 16 years – » Continue Reading.

As is often the case, reading another thread made me think of another deep sub-genre of music that I don’t think has ever been explored properly. By “properly” I mean by a thread on here posted by me with about three comments (if I’m lucky).

I was reading the Power Ballads thread and thought about PHd’s “I won’t let you down!”. In that song, “big” Jim Diamond sings the line “you ask me if my love is clear – wuhhurhant me to shout it?” in a way that suggests he is suppressing laughter (that’s why I wrote “want” like that). I think this puts him under pressure because there will be audiences at future nostalgia circuit gigs who will expect/demand that the line must be delivered in that quizzically sniggery way forever. I imagine it’s hard enough to deliver such wretched toss with any sincerity at all – let alone having to concentrate on delivering the line as if amused by the incredulity of his love not being clear.

The other ones I can think of are “where do you go to my lovely?” With its a-ha-ha-ha. Oh hell…imagine David Schwimmer singing that! The mercury in the punchhimometer would erupt » Continue Reading.

I know this is a NZ story, but I think it’s interesting. Last week, the MPs were awarded huge pay increases and, at the time, the PM said it was a product of an independent remuneration review, nothing he can do without a law change blah blah. I remember the same kind of arguments when UK MPs get their annual pay rises.

But…blow me down…the PM has backed down and reversed the pay rises and will get the law changed. I’m not a fan of his generally, but this is tremendous politics. The government is under no threat at all and didn’t need to do this. The best the leader of the opposition can do is say “well…well…it took you long enough!!!”. The more left-leaning journalists are saying it’s the power of the 99% and the PM is spooked by the gathering strength of that movement. What do you think?

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11410456

If you can see my avatar…what colour is it? This has divided my household. Truly amazing.