Looks like the world’s about to end. I suddenly find my deep faith in atheism is shaken. Can anyone recommend a religion in need of converts, ideally one with a speedy absolution process and access to an afterlife which doesn’t require too much awed worship? No mansion of glory neccessary, no seat at the right hand of God, no handmaidens, I’m not that fussed about all that to be honest, but not coming back here as an ant either. A cockroach, maybe. Ideally somewhere that accepts pets and children please.
Nothing that requires trips to Mecca or Lourdes or getting doused in rivers, we don’t have time for that. Some light prayer requirement and generally being nice to people, not murdering or making false icons, that sort of thing.
Asking on behalf of a world.
Bokononism, it’s all you need.
That’s a bit too complicated for my liking.
I don’t have a religion I adhere to but I believe that consciousness is a form of energy. It follows that science having taught us energy can neither be created or destroyed, neither can consciousness.
When we are born a quantity of consciousness energy separates temporarily from the universal whole. When we physically die, it is reabsorbed.
Sounds great but what’s in it for me? is there a loyalty scheme? Bonuses for introducing new subscribers?
Lots to learn but you could try this to get ‘In The Mood’ (don’t worry Glenn Miller isn’t involved). Try searching for The Books of Bokonon @chiz No money needs to change hands.
boko-maru – the supreme act of worship of the Bokononists, which is an intimate act consisting of prolonged physical contact between the naked soles of the feet of two persons.
I fear the rest maybe too complicated for @Mike_H ‘s liking.
I’d give that a go but I have poor circulation and my feet are always ice blocks. Not much fun for the other person.
The universal whole? Reabsorbed?
The universe doesn’t give a fuck about the human race.
…and is that a bad thing? Should it give a fuck?
Well, I was just trying ro understand your theory TBH. Possibly the wrong approach if the subject is religion or spiritualism.
The universe doesn’t give – a fuck about or otherwise – anything.
In the words of the zen master, it just is.
Or isn’t. It might be a molecule in a table leg.
The table legs I am familiar with most definitely are. Especially if you stub your toe on them.
Whacked my left little toe on a cardboard box of CDs the other day.
Definitely real.
I have the bruise to prove it and the pain to remind me, whenever I take a step.
A miracle! It’s a miracle! Start a new religion: CDism.
Are you sure about the rivers? Russell Brand seems to think it’s done the trick for him. Mind you, do you want to spend the end of days in the company of Russell Brand and Jordan Peterson?
He finds God a few months back and he’s already carrying out baptisms. They get plastered all over twitter but not his baptism … hmmm. Can’t imagine him settling for anything less that running his own cult.
I don’t know, but maybe it’s time to finally listen to all those box sets…
Perhaps some sort of sub-religious cult could do the job?
I’ve been called a cult many times before
I love The Cult
Gothic posturing and recycled AC/DC riffs … they were bloody great
They even have a tune for if we all end up in hell.
Down there with the Lil Devil …
Only one place to go then.
This feels like the appropriate moment to confess that I’ve always loved you.
Well it’s a bit bloody late now that now isn’t it. What with armageddon and everything.
I was brought up a strict Methodist. I wouldn’t recommend that!
Most religion usually comes down to money – you, that is, giving it to them for some mumbo jumbo. What’s your budget?
Honestly I’d pay Scientology rates at this late stage. Don’t they have a spaceship or something?
I think you’re thinking of ELO.
Back in the early 80s I shared a flat with two otherwise entirely sensible people who were caught up in the Rajneesh movement – they were the ones who could only wear orange and red and were led by the guru Bhagwan who tuned out to be more interested in big cars and the more attractive young female followers than more spiritual aspects of the cult. They probably need the followers now; so you could give that a go.
Do they do anything in saffron? I could be persuaded by a saffron robe and one of those drums that go ‘bowww-ompf’
Has any religion/cult correctly prophesied late 2024 or early 2025 for the End of Days?
They might be a good bet
This one?
On a serious note if you have not seen it then watch this for the best piece of documentary on the October 7th massacre I have seen.
BBC Storyville.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0023b3m/surviving-october-7th-we-will-dance-again
Chap I follow on Twix for reasons I no longer remember has this to say this morning:
Too many are talking up this latest turn of Iranian-Israeli tension. Stay calm. I hesitate to call 180 missiles a “massive attack”, nor is it “full-on war” as others have suggested. Perspective required, this is not a prelude to WW3.
So we can all calm down. Apparently.
Phew, eh readers?
Anyone remember that TV drama Threads about the effect of a nuclear strike on Sheffield. If I recall correctly the whole scenario began with an Iranian missile hitting a US battleship…
Threads is being shown on BBC4 next Wednesday at 22:15.
Perfect timing then! A much younger Bargepole appears as an extra…blink and you’ll miss him 😉
Look, I go for a lovely music session in the pub in my hometown. I come home for a nightcap and a little light browsing, and it’s all gone very heavy on here. Wh’appen?
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have embarked on their Farewell Tour
Yes.
Ticketmaster have been put in charge of memberships for all religions and dynamic pricing has kicked in.
All religions are in need of converts. I think I read somewhere that only 3% of the population in England attend “church” regularly.
Reaffirm atheism. There is nothing to be afraid of. Literally, there is nothing. Just hold your loved ones close.
The Ezra Collective’s new album is a nice toe-tapper.
Have you considered taking an architectural perspective? What impression have you got of the building where you’ll be worshipping?
Chartres, St Paul’s London, Stonehenge, the Mormon Tabernacle, the Guru Nanak Darbar Gurdwara n Gravesend… The variety is stunning.
Here’s a fascinating overview of some modern religious buildings throughout the world.
https://alhersem.com/blog/en-us/20-samples-of-modern-religious-architecture/
Of course you could always follow in Mike Scott’s footprints….
Blow up your tv
Throw away your papers
Go to the country
Build you a home
Have a lot of children
Eat a lot of peaches
Try to find jesus
On your own
If there is a heaven, JP will surely be there
Well he did expect it.
Choosing My Religion pt II:
I spent the evening narrowing down the search by ruling out the following:
Norse: Too fightey. Some of them go around tooled up with hammers.
Greek: They don’t seem to like humans much, do they? Unless they’re trying to mate with them.
Roman: Very complex command structure, with departments within departments and obscure decision making processes. Rampant nepotism as well. It’s more of a civil service than a belief system. One of them is even called Ops, for goodness sake. Strangled by red tape, they have gone strangely quiet in recent millennia. Hard to imagine they’d be able to process my application before the end of days.
Hinduism: Reluctant to let this one go as there’s a lot of good stuff in there, with your dharma and your karma and your free range cows, but 33 is quite a lot of major gods to get your head around in the short time available.
Buddhism: Some decent music and great smells. A very ‘mark your own homework’ religion, none of your fiery vengeance from above. Trouble is the continuing cycle of entanglement in passions and the resulting birth, life, death, and rebirth takes… bleedin’ ages, and I’m really in the market for a more ‘straight to Nirvana’ solution.
Three-for-one offers: Father, son and the other one. Sounds like a marketing strategy that the boss come up with and no one in the organisation really understood, but didn’t like to say so. As a result it’s being interpreted in various ways, with commendable values but no clear Mission Statement. Some franchises throw a Mother in there as well. But they do have a Sins Washed While You Wait service which could be useful in these dark hours.
The search continues.
Re Greek: you might watch Kaos, to further hone your pinpoint precise assessment. It’s also quite fun.
Just be a Catholic, like me. Sinning is expected and even if you don’t sin that much, you’re still lower than a worm, you worm. Absolution is one sincere confession away and if you time it right – or rite (!) – you can kick the bucket with a clean slate. Getting to heaven on a technicality is my spiritual goal.
Or you could try W. C. Fields approach.
A friend visited Fields’ hospital room and was surprised to find him thumbing through a Bible. When he asked what he was doing with a Bible, Fields replied, “I’m looking for loopholes.”
Presumably, having a religion is about getting some kind of afterlife when this mortal one is done with. Sometimes referred to as “Heaven” if you’ve played your cards right.
Well, it sez ‘ere that “Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens”.
If that’s true..
For someone whose earthly life is a tedious grind, that sounds pretty fucking awful. Guaranteed more of the same for eternity. No, thank you very much, Lord.
.
For someone whose life is just too complicated and hectic and they’re seeking some rest and tranquillity in their afterlife OTOH, that place sounds just the ticket.
You could try Quakerism.
People don’t really convert to it, just sit with it and slowly get absorbed into the community.
There’s not much absolution, apart from what you provide yourself in coming to terms with who you are
Afterlife isn’t really an issue, as Quakers don’t have creeds and dogma. Every generation they get together and rewrite the book of faith and practice – a guide, rather than a rulebook. See also right hand of God, handmaidens, etc.
Awed worship may come from sitting in companionable silence
Certainly no mansions of glory – though there is some rather attractive minimalistic real estate scattered about the country from when Quakers were wealthy bankers, chocolate makers and cobblers.
No trips to Mecca or Lourdes, though Quakers do like visiting the Lake District where the first generation liked to gather on hilltops.
Light prayer is a regular habit, though it does tend to be silent and in groups
Generally being nice to people – that’s always been the idea – still active in national and international politics, at the UN, etc – promoting peace, disarmament, human rights, cooperation and mediation. Quiet processes
One downside is – there tend to be a lot of committees and business meetings – if the Roman civil service put you off, Quakerism may not be for you.
I lived in SW19, Southfields, near the tennis courts. For quite a large and populous area it was surprisingly light on pubs. I was told that this was because Quakers still owned lots of the area. No idea if this was/is true.
Could well be. In the 19th century, Quakers followed the Methodist path in the temperance direction and could be fearful killjoys. See also Bournville.
I will investigate.
Nope, nothing. Apart from having the oldest Quaker Meeting House in London, and being where Paul Merton is from, the only decent claim to fame seems to be this cry for help, which was apparently filmed in Southfields
I tale it you know the hoary old joke about why Methodists don’t fuck standing up @salwarpe?
No, but I googled it, and now I know.
Excellent! Now we all know!
That’s horrible!
Yep, that’s true – the district where I grew up in Plymouth had originally been land owned by Quakers which was sold to the council for housing development – around the start of the 20th century – with a covenant that banned pubs and offies. I had to walk a fair way to get a pint and a game of darts when I was doing my A levels.
In Saltaire although Titus Salt wasn’t a Quaker he didn’t want his workers getting inebriated so there were no pubs built.
I think there’s a wine bar there now and some pubs nearby but not in Saltaire.
Drink was a big problem though. I don’t think you necessarily had to be a Methodist/Quaker to take action after seeing how much it damaged workers and their families. The licensing laws came in during WWI to keep people in the munitions factories and out of the pub.
I think the same is true for Bourneville
That WAS a Quaker (Cadbury) establishment, unlike Saltaire or Port Sunlight.
Isn’t there a brewery called Saltaire, that I have always presumed to be the base?
Stop press: yup, but in Shipley. Yorkshire humour?
https://saltairebrewery.com/
There is “Don’t Tell Titus” bar/9restaurant in Saltaire but I see it’s ‘temporarily closed’, from looking at the website since February so stretching the definition of ‘temporarily’. Maybe the ghost of Titus has come back to haunt.
I worked in Letchworth Garden City for a year. We had to drive to a nearby village for Friday lunchtime pints. Someone had to then drive back to the office.
I’m not sure when the change happened because it’s one of the few things Letchworth was famous for, but these days there are several pubs in Letchworth. Many of them are featured in Simon Pegg’s Worlds End.
I understood that one of the covenants imposed on Letchworth residents was that they were not supposed to be out in public of their been drinking!
When I lived in Bounds Green there was only one pub, allegedly for the same reason.
Sounds promising but I’m not yet contemplating any solutions that require sobriety, facial hair or ostentatious hats
Don’t forget, having to eat the Oat Diet.
…breed parrots, and listen to hiphop
When you do, the Amish, the Plymouth Brethren, old order Mennonites, Hutterites and other sundry Anabaptist traditions will be waiting for you. Not the Shakers though – with a commitment to celibacy, there’s a definitive ‘Children of God’ feel to them.
For those interested in the birth of Quakerism, Shakers and Muggletonians, I thoroughly recommend Christopher Hill’s excellent The World Turned Upside Down
Krishna is ready to take your call.
Being slightly acquainted with you, I find that this is a strange question for you to be asking.
The answer is staring you in the face – start your own.
The tenets of Chizism (or Underpantsism) can be whatever you wish them to be. If you need help, buy me a drink or two and I can help you define them. And maybe become your first acolyte.
What would his followers be called? Chizisitsts? Chizzers? Chizians? Chizels?
How about the Chizrealites?
Underpantism: The Church of the Latter-Day Stains.
Or should Chizzism just be Chizzm?
When the inevitable doctrinal splits appear, that would be a Schizzm.
A new version of the Holy Trinity could be Three Chizz.
I came across an old Dave Allen joke the other day, about him mishearing the priest at a funeral when he was a kid. “In the name of the Father, Son, and in the Hole he Goes.”
That’s a very kind offer Carl, but to be honest my Premium Acolyte package (The Disciples of Chizus Grift) is very much aimed at Salt-of-the-Earth types like fishermen, carpenters, plumbers, IT support and small appliance repair specialists. I’ve already signed up Peter, a bicycle maintenance chap, on the promise of eternal bliss in return for a new set of Shimanos and a chamois shroud.
Elitist bastard!
So it’s only the chosen few who will be saved?
Depends how you define ‘saved.’ I’m currently targeting local SMEs and sole traders in the initial share offer, ideally painters & decorators, someone who can fix my oven when it goes wonky just before dinner time, and people with a strong desire to make tea and bring me biscuits. But I’m a loving and benevolent despot, so I could probably find you a seat in the choir if you’re really keen. Are you any good at hiding money offshore?
Can I be a disciple please and take the name Martin Chizzlewit?
I run my own desktop publishing outfit and would like
to be known as Chizz Maggs
I can’t make my mind up, so I will follow under the name Bucks Chizz