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Anyone on here NOT had a colonoscopy!!11one
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Musings on the byways of popular culture
Musings on the byways of popular culture
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I am deeply ashamed to say that I’ve never had an invasive medical procedure*. I’ve also never had a scope of any kind up me bum, except for that time I accidently straddled the current HMS Vanguard while shrimping in Faslane.
*unless you count having a septic haematoma on my leg (caused by Danny Lau falling on me during a CCF obstacle course) stabbed with gay abandon by a locum GP when I was 14. He literally just sprayed cold spray on it and went at me with a fucking scalpel, the bastard.
D-Bob setting the bar incredibly high there ^. Anyone beat that?
Never had any invasive procedure either, unless a single ear wax situation counts. And despite my name being very close to colon.
The Single Ear Wax Situation – Nordic chamber jazz combo briefly signed to ECM.
Oh yes, I remember the Single Ear Wax Solution.
Their one album was a Manfred Eicher production, I think.
Engineered at Rainbow Studios by Jan Erik Kongshaug.
Ethereal. Angular. Oblique.
Waxy.
And came in a bloody dreary B&W ‘art photo’ sleeve just like everything else on ECM.
They even did that with Kylie didn’t they ?
What a strange signing that was.
Yep. Only things so far have been the emergency removal of a very “angry” appendix, and a lump of bone chiseled* off my ankle under epidural and no sedative. Hard as nails, me. *whimpers*
*literally with a hammer and chisel, albeit special surgical ones
Er, I don’t want to throw a hammer in the works here, but is a sedative strictly necessary for ankle surgery if one is already having an epidural? Hmm? HMM??
A sedative isn’t the same as a painkiller/anaesthetic. Although I expect those over on the colonoscopy thread wish it were…
Anyway, I was offered one but didn’t bother. Apart from getting rather shivery I was fine.
Yebbut, shurely… Ah, never mind, here’s your ‘I’ve been brave at the Orthopaedo’ badge, you’ve earned it!
They did the same to my septum after I broke my nose playing cricket (I failed to catch a cricket ball with my hands and used my face instead). I did have a GA for that – when I woke up I had bruises on my chest. “They’re where the doctor knelt on your chest to swing the hammer”.
Well held!!!
I’m afraid to say the impact knocked me out and I dropped the catch on my way to the ground.
I saw little tweety birds flying round, just like in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
I picture this happening somewhere in the deserts of Afghanistan, where GI Mini is bravely grimacing while having emergency surgery in a dusty tent.
Actually it’s mainly the uniform I’m thinking of.
Investigative Lumbar Punch in my early teens after severe kidney infection.
Mild rubber glove probing by drugs squad officer in early 20s.
Emergency removal of appendix in early 30s.
We knew you were old, Mike, but you had your appendix out BEFORE THE WAR?
Also, I think you mean lumbar puncture. Punch seems a bit much.
A punch was the nearest thing they had to a sedative in The Olden Days, min.
In’t hospital? Dream on!
It were in’t coal ‘ole wi’ a rusty bradawl.
You young’uns don’t know yer born!
Had my appendix out in 1964, but otherwise have been spared the scalpel. Have had the endoscope from the top down, but not bottom up…so to speak. I seem to have got away quite lightly overall, not even broken a bone.
I had a misbehaving thyroid a few years ago and had a one off radioactive pill thing – worryingly, the doctor had all the protective gear on when I was handed it, and I had to sleep apart from the GLW and avoid being near children for a while. Cleared it up though!
Nothing enters my lower orifice unless there is fun and/or profit involved.
Here’s a shilling, Pence.
Wow thanks H.P. that’s a whole shiny sixpence more than last time.
Here’s a penny, Mrs Shilling…
Nope nothing here also – although the doc did say in my annual health screening that as I have now hit 50 it is “highly recommended”
Get it done, Chris, then share your amusing bottom-based anecdotes on bri’s thread!
Photos or it didn’t happen!
I’ve never had one but I do catheterise myself everyday which keeps everything flowing nicely! Also had three Urethroplasties, where they take a slice from inside the cheek and rebuild the Urethra. It isn’t as bad as it sounds, I promise.
Who amongst us here can’t say that though, eh eh?
Feeble cheap opportunistic joking aside, though, that’s… quite… some… daily routine. Amazing. Admiring and respectful hat-tip to you, ip33.
I had one on Valentine’s Day once. That was the best action I was getting on that particular day that year …
I also had one on Valentine’s Day which is also my birthday! Very bad planning. Did anyone else watch the whole thing on the TV monitor too. Looked like the old Dr Who theme – travelling through black holes etc
Lovely. Yes my doctor points things out to me inside me which is slightly weird.
That one TV quiz where this contestant is asked if she’s had sex, like, somewhere special, and she goes, right, she goes “up the ass?” Wasn’t me, anyway.
Bummers are deaf!
I ‘eard that, pahhdun?
I did have the snip before I got married. (Mrs M knows what a tart I am). During the procedure I had a long convo with the nurse about Sweden. In a sense nothing could have been more Afterword.
Peanut Butter on toast, coffee, and a copy of The Independent was one of the better ways to round off a minor surgical procedure.
Made up for a big hairy bloke with hands the size of Pat Jennings brandishing a Bic Razor.
Didn’t expect to have to w*nk into a bottle and deliver it (by bus) to the hospital a week later
I had the exact same experience just recently! Except I had jam, not peanut butter. And tea rather than coffee. And I didn’t have a surgical procedure or go to a hospital.
“You may wish to ask your partner to help” said the leaflet.
That business venture ended soon after
Large cash prize on its way to you.
PS plus a generous voucher for the excellent Pat Jennings reference.
New National Express ad campaign: Come by bus!
Hang on, hang on! Are we going to let ‘vasectomy + Swedish nurse’ go COMPLETELY un-hurrrr’d here? My God, standards have slipped.
The nurse was not Swedish, you putz. It doesn’t work. A bit like my gonads.
Let’s not get hung up on what are nothing more than, at the end of the day, merely facts.
Shit, I totally forgot about the ol’ vasectomy. That’s invasive surgery, I guess, but honestly: after a bag-o-peas-heavy weekend of sitting on the sofa and only moving very gingerly, I pretty much forgot about it until it was time to provide the, er, sample.
Compared to having a coil fitted, or a smear test, say, I’m guessing it was pretty easy.
And now you get to say hilarious things like “These days my testicles are merely decorative”
…. the long winter evenings etc…
I imagine you moved more gingerly than Bob, though?
Yes, I always move gingerly. Arguably better than moving blondely, which involves walking into walls and up railway tracks.
Has the camera pipe down the throat a couple of years back.
Plummed for the anaesthetic spray and not the sedative….mistake.
Was rather saddened to discover the gag reflex does not give up even with a foot of what seemed like ” rich ponce speaker cable” down my throat.
Like a twat I quipped to the doc as he advanced toward me with pipe….”what you gunna do with that…open a window”?
His quick as a flash reply….”ohhh, you’d think so”
Gulp.
Oh, v. good, both of you, nicely done.
Only two small carpal tunnel op:s, one in each hand, ten years apart. Everything else sorted with pills.
My mum is rather proud of having had four children and not one of them ever needed to go to the ER, or even see a doctor for anything but vaccinations. I’m not sure why that makes her so proud; all that means is that we weren’t keen on sport or other physical activities, mostly sitting in a quiet corner reading books and daydreaming…
Heyyy fellas! Us blokes are a bit shit at this sort of thing, yeah? We’d rather be doing DIY in the shed or watching football in the old mancave, amirite?
But – hey – get over yourself and rock on up to the doc and get your prostate checked. It takes a few seconds of a finger up your arse (just think of England!) and it’s a all done. You owe it your mates, your family and most of all yourself. Now that’s done and dusted – I think it’s your round !
I had mine checked in 1994. Is that a long time ago yet?
Indeed, it’s only two years away from the 25th anniversary deluxe edition!
Oh no! Steven Wilson is greasing up his gloves as we speak!
Think of the bonus content!
Outstanding!
…er….
‘You know what you can do with your colonoscopy?’ I said…
Ha!
“What’s the matter, doesn’t he trust you?”