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Another joke thread

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I thought it might be a good time for another joke thread, particularly as we’re into the 6,023rd day of Dry January. Here’s a couple to start it off:

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“no, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot’.

“My wife says she changes her internet password from time to time”.
I said – “That’s the same word”.

1

Comments

  1. You are Tim Vine and I claim my five pounds

    The other day I was in a supermarket and the old lady in front of me was three E3.22 short of the money she needed to pay her E11.54 bill.

    Knowing I’d have liked some Good Samaritan to come to the aid of my own Mum if she was in similar straits, I took pity on the old girl and decided to help her out.

    No biggie really as we had the extra E3.30 worth of goods she couldn’t afford back on the shelves in a couple of minutes

  3. A gem from the great Emo Philips that I heard when he supported Weird Al in Dublin last year…

    As a younger man I almost trained to be a Catholic priest – not for the usual reasons. It was more to serve God.

  4. This actually happened. My wife works for our local council and will often discuss her days work with her ever attentive, caring twat of a husband.

    And scene:

    Mrs B ‘Oh, we had a hell of a time today trying to contact a resident about her council tax. We had to ring and ring. We needed to talk to her. She’s over a £1000 in arrears.

    Me ‘She won’t have heard the phone. Not with a £1000 in her ears. Wahaaaayyyy!

    Mrs B (a significant palpable silence)

  5. The First Rule Of Rick Astley Club is …
    You know the rules and so do I

    Rick Astley has a full set of Disney Pixar DVDs and will happily share them with whoever asks … except for 1 film.
    No matter what you offer, he’s never gonna give you Up

  10. How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb?
    1, no 2, hang on, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64 …

    How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    6 – 1 to change it, the other 5 to sing in close harmony about how good the old one was

  14. There were rumours that Frederick Delius was set on a career as a chef in high quality establishments, this was established as completely erroneous but still many people believed it and it was even spoken about in hushed whispers in corridors of power. The tales would not go away about Fred’s almost career in catering.
    It was the Delius Myth.

  24. Bloke at the GP for a routine check up.
    Dr says ‘ Right, you’re going to have to stop masturbating’
    Bloke – panicked- says ‘ Oh god, why?’
    Dr replies’ Because I’m trying to examine you’!

    Please yourselves, is this thing on? ….

    • Teenage boy goes to the doctors.

      Boy: Doctor, I’ve got this terrible bad back.
      Doc: I see. OK, do you masturbate?
      Boy: What?
      Doc. Just answer the question. Do you masturbate?
      Boy. Er.. yes.
      Doc: Ahh… bloody magic, isn’t it?

  29. Man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I need to examine you. Please take your clothes off”.
    “Where shall I put them”?.
    “On that chair next to mine”.

  31. My only attempt at a joke was this when we were watching TV

    It was a documentary about the origins of the British, and they said that the first main migration into Britain came after the Ice Age when people crossed a land bridge that then linked what is now the Basque Country to the South of England.

    I said, “Just as well they didn’t all come, as that would have been putting all your Basques in one exit.”

    You can understand why it has been my only attempt.

  32. This may be an old one, even though I only heard it recently.

    Man: Doctor, doctor, please help. I can’t stop singing Delilah.
    Doctor: Don’t worry. It sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome.
    Man: Is that rare?
    Doctor: It’s not unusual.

    Another doctor, doctor joke.

    Man: Doctor, doctor, please help. I’ve got a mince pie stuck up my bum.
    Doctor: Don’t worry. There’s a cream for that.

  33. I once made up an original joke. Years ago it was, and submitted on the original Word Magazine blog. I have a memory, very possibly false, of Mark Ellen reading it out on a podcast from that era.

    I’ve retold it here many many times.

    Once more, with feeling…

    A friend of mine is a Tailor. He’s just been promoted

    He’s been making great strides recently.

    😁

  37. A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says “Bargain”.

    The wife smiles, and says “Thank you, that means a great deal.”

    A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says “Infinity”.

    The wife smiles, and says “Thank you, that means more than you can imagine.”

    A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word or two. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says “Being alive“.

    The wife smiles, and says “Thank you, he would’ve liked that“.

    • A man is at a funeral of an old friend. He approaches the dead man’s wife, and asks if he could say a word. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says “shitload”.

      The wife smiles, and says “Thank you, that means a hell of a lot.”

  38. “When I’m at the gentlemen’s groomers I always like to read some 19th Century French realism”
    “Balzac?”
    “No, I’m just having my eyebrows done.”

    Ithangyew.

  39. A few Church notices :

    The sermon this morning : ‘Jesus Walks On Water’. The sermon tonight : ‘Searching For Jesus’.

    Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

    Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass This Way Again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

    At the evening service tonight, the topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.

  43. A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead. The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

    The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog sniffs the body and barks.“I’m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”

    The man finally accepts the diagnosis and asks the vet for the bill.“It’s 650 dollars.”“650 to tell me my dog is dead?”“Well, I would only have charged you $50 for my first diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test.”

  44. Seeing the earlier now deleted ED post reminded me of this.

    A monk left his monastry on foot to visit another. As evening drew in, the weather turned and he was caught in a storm. He saw a nunnery in the distance and headed towards it. Arriving tired, cold and wet, Mother Superior sent him to a bathroom and told him to thaw out in a hot bath.

    Two junior nuns were sent with towels and a robe, and instructions to wash and dry the monk’s robes.

    They knocked on the bathroom door but there was no answer, so they entered… to find the exhausted monk asleep in the bath, with a stiffy poking through the suds.

    One nun fainted, the other had a stroke.

  47. I’ve just finished making my time machine. That’s five years I won’t be getting back

    I just failed my Peripheral Vision exam. Didn’t see that coming.

    On the other hand I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

    • Joke threads are a bit like archaeology in that the further down the page you dig, the more ancient the things you discover.

      With its roots dating back to May 1787, this is our most historic joke thus far.

  51. And then are some people that just can’t tell jokes, but still manage to be very funny.
    I love the repeated tortured attempts of Dan ‘Rick & Morty’ Harmon to just get through the simplest 1-2-3 jokes. This is from the late Harmontown podcast.

  52. On the subject of old jokes, Tommy Cooper was always a good source of classics

    Went to the doctor and I said, doctor, I said, it hurts when I lift my arm like this. “Well stop doing it then”, said the doctor.

    Neighbour two doors down died of a heart attack last weekend so I went round to offer my condolences to the wife. “So sorry to hear about Geoff. He didn’t by any chance mention anything about the hammer I loaned him before he died?”

  55. Another oldie:

    Policeman knocks on door. “I’m sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been in a road accident.” “Yes, but she has a lovely personality.”

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