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Afterword Room 101.

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I like the idea of an Afterword Room 101 where we chuck out celebrities or everyday items that can be discarded never more to be seen. I think we can be more creative than those ‘stars’ who are paid to give their examples.

Firstly – Michael McIntyre. Sorry just not funny – he is to comedy what King Herod was to babies.
And that hair that never moves and the parting in the middle of his head that looks like someone has put an axe through his head.Tempting.

Secondly – ‘Accept all cookies’ every time you go on a bloody website – yes we bloody know. Just fuck off.

Thirdly – Supermarket packaging for Ham or Bacon as an example – you carefully peel it back, take out the bacon you need and put the peeled back plastic back in a close approximation of the position it was in before you opened the packaging.
The next day when you fancy the remaining ham/bacon you can guarantee it is curled up at the edges and looks unedifying.

Just three that get my goat, I am sure many of you will have worthy additions.

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Comments

  1. Re: McIntyre – agree

    Re: Bacon / Ham packaging – you are lucky to have packaging that can peel back. Here it’s always vacuum sealed around the bacon so to get the stuff out, you can’t simply cut the top off – that just leaves a minuscule opening. You them have to cut down the edge of the bacon to get anywhere near and then have to take all rashers out to get just a couple – and you think you’ll get the leftovers back in the packet…… not a chance. Only solution is to eat all.

  3. Alan Titchmarsh. Smug, smarmy and insufferably patronising. Every time I see his tight jeans and country tweeds I have an uncontrollable urge to put my fist through the telly.

      • I met him when he signed his latest novel at the shop where I worked. I found him perfectly affable, and can report that he had authentically rough gardeners’ palms when I shook his hand. The one I was warned to avoid, a verdict endorsed by a mate who worked at an agricultural college and met him at Chelsea Flower Show, is Monty Don.

    • Many years ago I was overseeing the physical check-ups for contestants for some BBC reality telly thing. We did the tests at the gym at Television Centre. One of the participants came flying off the back of a treadmill, which caused the football pundit Garth Crooks, who was doing a work out nearby, to exclaim ‘Fuck me!’ ‘Language, Garth!’ piped up Alan Titchmarsh who, I think, was doing the Bench Press.

        • He’s awful. His radio show on Radio 2 is the worst kind of Partidgesque phone in. He records himself cycling to work every day and posts videos on Twitter to his cycling fanboys who have never, ever made a bad decision on the road. Ever. I once argued with him that he should use his profile to try and diffuse rather than antagonize. He was having none of it. Refuses to believe that there are idiots in cars, idiots that walk and idiots that cycle. It’s just drivers in his opinion. I’m not a fan…

          • I’d put all of Radio 2 in room 101.
            Your mention of Partridge reminded me that a guy I went to school with is actually a BBC local radio DJ, not really that surprising, knowing what he was like at school. He even refers to his long suffering wife as “The Lovely Karen”. Not sure if he’s being ironic. I doubt it somehow.

  6. 1. Room 101 – The 1984 version.
    It’s not like Winston had the rats gnawing at his nose – the big wuss was protected by a metal apparatus. He didn’t get a scratch, the whinging minny. No worse than being on I’m A Celeb.

    2. Room 101 – The BBC comedy television series.
    Very few good guests, mostly just telly celebs being telly celebs on telly. Never proper international stars of the calibre of Clint Eastwood, Jimi Hendrix or Judith Chalmers.

    3. Room 101 – the Afterword thread.
    It was actually going alright until this contribution.

  8. Celebrities who are not good at anything but have gilded lives nonetheless. And the system that enables and maintains them. “Influencers”, this includes you.

  10. Any restaurant or pub that serves food on anything other than a ceramic plate. Slate – go away, Rustic Wooden Board – be gone.

    Hotels that insist on providing and offering nonsense services that have been useless for decades: Wake up Call? I have a phone. Morning Newspaper? I have a phone. Wi-fi for a fee? Do one.

    Plastic packaging on EVERYTHING? Bananas in bags. Apples in bags. Oranges in a net. Multipacks of beans, in a shrink wrap sleeve. FFS Stop this all – it’s ridiculous.

    Be calm.

  11. Free wifi – why sho8ld you have to fucking pay for it when you stay at a hotel?
    Can you imagine having visitors to your house and tell them that you are going to charge them for wifi.

  12. 1, The Conservative Party. This isn’t nuanced.

    2, Ex boyband members now solo who everyone just blindly accepts as being national treasure types.

    3, Like other posters here, mushrooms. The devil’s food surely?

    4, Rudeness to those who have public facing roles in the public sector.

    Feels better having got those off my chest…

  14. PR companies, and anyone who works for one. A bunch of parasites who keep asking news publications to give their clients free publicity, and take money from their clients on the understanding that they have an in-depth understanding of editorial priorities when in reality they don’t have a clue. Blight of my working life.

  15. Adolf Hitler. He was well dodgy and seeminlgly still quite popular. What’s that all about? And mushrooms, well the poisonous ones. What use are they? Otherwise mushrooms are all right. Umani in your risotto. Delicious.

    • VIZ Top Tip!

      Save yourself the effort and expense of going to unfunnyman Michael McIntyre’s next stand up show by reading his entire act in AfterWord Room 101.

  17. Motorbikes. Why are they so fucking LOUD?

    Ditto petrol-driven garden machinery (I may have mentioned this before). It’s what living in Australia is all about. But our neighbour, as a way of funding his insanely expensive new kitchen, has taken to doing up and selling ride-on lawnmowers. This requires him to rev them up any time from 7am about 10 feet from our kitchen, invariably just as we are sitting down to eat or watch something soothing like Gardening Australia (on which the Devil’s kit is never featured, incidentally). If the kitchen windows are open, as they usually are because summer, we get petrol fumes into the bargain. We know his wife is seriously fed up with it too, and so is their tenant no doubt, but he’s promised her a kitchen, and by crikey she’s going to get it. Naturally we say nothing, because we don’t want to be at war with out neighbour. We just swear loudly and put the Boses on.

    Aaaand breathe…

    PS mushrooms are great. Fry in butter with garlic (not too much, mind) and add chopped mint at the end. Sensational.

  18. TV commercials that use irritatingly twee or mawkish rhymes in place of ideas. Not good at the best of times, maddeningly ubiquitous at this time of year

    • Rawlplugs are irritating little bastards.
      If they are bigger than the hole they disintegrate into mush, if they are smaller than the hole
      they disappear.

      I am sure Moose might have some comments on this.

    • The little packets of screws and wallplugs that come with things that you are supposed to fix to a wall. That is where the manufacturers cut the very last corner on their goods. I always bin the packet unopened and use some decent quality screws and fixings instead.

    • You’ve smashed it!

      I find it amazing that they spend such a huge amount of money running commercials on Talking Pictures where viewers’ would be more likely to use Zimmer frames than exercise bikes

  23. I’ll follow the format of the podcast Desert Island Dicks which asks guests to nominate the worst things to be stuck on a desert island with in the following categories:

    2 people: Jeremy Vine and Jacob Rees Mogg
    1 food and 1 drink: Eggs and tea
    1 song and 1 film: Imagine and The Shawshank Redemption
    1 animal: Aggressive dogs

    Nothing against anyone who enjoys any or all of these things, but I’ll give them all the widest possible berth.

    • That’s presumably an aggressive dog with multiple personality disorder.

      Good luck in giving such a beast a wide berth in the narrow confines of a desert island, btw

      • It’s the leaves of an Oriental shrub, dried and prepared into an infusion for drinking, often with milk and sometimes a sweetener. I’ve had a dozen or so cups in my life, which is enough to say it’s unpleasant.

        Maybe I should have said milk? I could probably force myself to drink tea if it didn’t have milk in it. The very sight of an adult drinking milk makes me feel ill. And there couldn’t be milk on the island tea was the only drink. But then there couldn’t be water to make the tea with either. I may have to have a word with whoever is in charge of catering.

        • @gatz I probably have no more chance of converting you to tea than people have of converting me to sprouts, but here goes…

          I gave up milk in tea (and coffee) about 10 years ago, and it was a revelation. Turned me into a bit of a tea arse in fact, as more and more exotic tea avenues opened up to me. Give it a go – you have nothing to lose except money as you abandon PG Tips and set off in search of something better. Bags are fine, but one of those tea balls with leaf tea in it does the job just as well. Verb. sap.: don’t make it too strong – the taste is much more subtle if you go easy, and the sight of what a cup of strong black tea does to the inside of your mug will make you blench at the thought of what it does to your insides.

  24. “I know how to keep my body healthy…but how do I keep my gums healthy (flashes whitest smile in the history of dentistry)?” Now, if she was a snaggle-toothed yokel or a nicotine-stained Shane MacGowan type, I could understand her concern.

  25. A word in defence of Micheal McIntyre. He’s not my idea of a fun time either, but he does seem to have been selected as the modern Des O’Connor; he’s very popular, he earns a bundle, he’s got his own prime time Saturday evening TV shows, he sells out huge national arena tours months in advance…so obviously he’s a useless and untalented arse, as anyone with taste and half a brain surely realises.

    The standard criticism of him doesn’t seem based on very much other than ‘he’s so smug and unoriginal and I want to punch him in the face repeatedly’.

    He doesn’t make me laugh, but at worst he is extremely harmless.

    If you want to put any modern comedy in room 101, best save the very lowest ring of hell for the execrable Mrs Brown’s Boys.

    • The reason why McIntyre’s shows sell out months in advance is that the Home Office buys up all the tickets and offers them to minor offenders as an alternative to non-custodial sentence community service activities such as sweeping the roads.

    • I used to work for a big magazine publishing company and every year – before the crash of 2009 – they’d hold a glitzy ceremony where they gave various awards to the editorial and ad departments (“Best Loose Inserts”). The MC was always a well-known comedian on a nice payday and it was interesting to see how they approached the gig. Some, like Jo Brand (who I usually like), basically just rehashed their old act; one year we had Michael McIntyre, and he’d clearly put some work in, making jokes about particular titles etc, and he brought the house down. So I’ve always had some respect for him….

  26. Sarah Millican. I thought she was wonderful when she first started. Whimsical comical lines about men delivered in her high pitched South Shields accent. We saw her live some years ago at a little arts centre close by here and she was quite brilliant

    Now it’s pretty much tedious endless unsubtle stuff about fannies and diarrhoea. Can’t bear it.

      • A bit further up, hinny 😁

        Just up past the airport – but not Darras Hall because I’m common.

        Mind that’s all in the past tense. I’ve been resident in the South East ever since I got on the wrong bus at Gallowgate

        • Not having that @Beezer Sarah Millican is genuinely funny and a good observer of silly traits that we all possess.
          Jokes about fannies is a different take on the male preserve of knob jokes.
          A bit different and her delivery is funny.

    • I work in a supermarket (far from all of you) but I’m lucky that I love Christmas music – especially the tacky kind – so much that I have no problem listening to it non stop for a full month. I have one single track that I just can’t stand, and it’s the most popular Christmas single in Sweden, unfortunately (Triad – “Tänd ett ljus”, if you want to know…) but apart from wincing three or four times a day when that one is blasting, I can hum along to the dumbest of Christmas music and feel perfectly cheerful.

      But. The station that we listen to in my shop have a “romantic” phone-in every night, when people call to say how much they love their significant other, and ask for a particular song to be played for them. This time of year they of course have to choose a Christmas song, and an extreme amount of people want “Fairytale of New York” to be played for the one they love! Have they not listened to the lyrics at all? Is this the “Every Breath You Take” of Christmas music?

  28. 1. An obvious one to all AW members, but people who talk at gigs. It never used to be this way, but I have now lost count of those ruined by gobby punters. I look along the row and see quietness, but never near me it seems.
    2. Beer with fruit flavours in it. Who came up with this idea? It seems that all ‘IPA’ (and it’s always IPA) has to have ‘citrus notes’, i.e. taste like a bloody J2O soft drink. It’s wrong and I want beer to taste of…well…beer please.
    3. Limited edition Record ‘Store’ (ugh!) Day releases, usually on awful colured vinly. They are overpriced tat for scalpers who then flog them on at a profit because they are ‘rare’. If they are worth releasing, then just release them.

  29. @NigelT no.2 is a particular bugbear of mine. Lost count of number of bars where I have asked for a sample before purchase. If it tastes like grapefruit I am not interested- at all. Whose idea was it? American hop producers. They do put syrup on bacon so we really shouldn’t be surprised.

    • I do like a sour beer, and there are some good grapefruit beers out there. However it seems some brewers spend more time inventing a “witty” name than inventing a decent brew.
      Brewdog are particularly good at this with many of their ales seemingly coming from the same vats just with a liitle something added. I think they add bread to Punk IPA as it tastes like toast now

  30. A couple of years ago I timidly suggested that humanity may be approaching an apocalyptic event horizon at which Robbie Fowler had finally tried every stupid hairstyle that’s ever existed.

    Thankfully, if you’ve seen him recently, I reckoned without the inventiveness of the tonsorial arts.

  31. Bang into Room 101 (and throw away the key) with the next twat who says that anyone gives more than 100% when they act, or sing, or work, or project fucking manage or whatever it is they do. If that’s the best form of superlative you can come up with, sunshine, buy a bloody thesaurus.

        • There was one Britain’s Got Talent! where a family turned up to to support a young singer – we are informed that the father of the family had died. He sings “I believe I can fly”. The family and the performer had matching t shirts with “RIP Trev” with his face on them.

          Within about one second after the end the performer was overcome and bravely holding back tears. Amanda Holden looks concerned. The family dab their eyes with large spotted hankies.

          These are tactics to elicit overwhelming sympathy which can get you through to the next round. It worked! They’re through to the next round.

          In the next round, the mother of the family is on stage in a hospital bed, fighting for her life – but giving her son a weak but discernible thumbs up. “She wouldn’t miss this for the world” says the son, the family all wear T shirts again this time with the mothers picture on it. The song starts (“Angels”) a faltering performance as the beeps from the equipment get more urgent. Medical staff surround the bed – after a minute of frantic activity the sound of a flatlining heart monitor drowns out the song. Her son breaks down in tears mid-song. She’s gone.

          But on the bright side, he’s through to the next round!

          The next performance (“wind beneath my wings’ ) features a PowerPoint of Trev and Lynn (the now deceased mother) laughing and smiling in happier times.

          The singer can barely make it through. Concerned members of the family join him on stage and inspire him to power on. Presently, more family members arrive propping up two t-shirted cadavers a la Weekend at Bernies. It’s Trev and Lynn! “They wouldn’t have missed this for the world!” explains the singer.

          Ant and Dec hug the singer and the family. They all collapse in a moist heap of raw emotion. Amanda Holden is gripping her heart and bawling like a newborn.

          Simon Cowell – “you lot, just fuck off”

  32. Me-me-me-Meghan Markle and her gormless other half

    People who continually refer to the internet as “t’internet”
    or even more teeth-gnashingly irritating “the interweb”.

  33. Whilst “everyone and everything in the 21st Century” is probably the answer, and, of course, the dire 1980s, how about Sam Allardyce?

    Quite apt, as today he’s got another cushy number managing West Brom, even though last night said team got a draw at Man. City.

    Triffic.

    Spent ages saying that “if I’d been born a Sven or a Paulo” I’d get a big job … got the biggest job (that’s “England manager,” Man . U. /Chelsea/Arsenal fans et al) … and buggered it up through greed, arrogance and a lack of class that even Boris Johnson would baulk at.

    He lasted one match.

    Back on the gravy train though … jolly good … that’s what I love about now … no one can fail.

  38. 1 – the post-truth world that the reality TV watching, social media fixated, thick, bigoted, selfish arseholes have created – Brexit, Trump, Johnson are all products of this

    2 – my new ex-wife (but can she please be handcuffed to her mother when she’s thrown in)

    3 – Shout by Lulu

    4 – the acceptance of cheating in football, both on the pitch and off

    5 – the tub of mini double deckers and creme eggs at the side of me that used to be a tub of Heroes till the kids ate all the best ones

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