Thanks to all who posted an inspired selection of ideal dinner party guests. Now is time to whittle the lists down to a commonly-agreed final six. Of the 190+ guests suggested (130 m, 66 f), the following 16 were nominated twice, so I’ve decided they go through to the next round:
Adam Buxton, Becky Unthank, Billy Bragg, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Carrie Fisher, Christopher Hitchens, David Bowie, Groucho Marx, Jane Austen, Lemmy, Martin Amis, Noel Gallagher, Sam Neill, Shakespeare, Tina Fay, Virginia Woolf
If you’d care to indulge this extended flight of whimsy, I’d suggest you select contrasting pairs from the above – one you’d promote, one you’d deselect, up to a maximum of six pairs. In this way, we would winnow it down to the cream of the cream of AW favourites (or the lowest common denominators, of course).
Three guests were nominated three times – Dorothy Parker, Kathy Burke & Victoria Coren-Mitchell. So they get automatic seats at the table – and make for inspired hosts, I’d say.
Mini and Lodestone were mentioned twice, so they get to be our representatives at the feast. Maybe they’ll post their views on the final selection?
Tally ho!
Sam Neill (since he was the only one of mine to make the cut) yes – Christopher Hitchens no
David Bowie yes – Lemmy no
Brian Eno yes – Noel Gallagher no
Carrie Fisher yes – Tina Fay no
Virginia Woolf yes – Boudicca no (she wouldn’t understand a word anybody said, get grumpy and slice everybody’s legs off)
Jane Austen yes – Martin Amis no
I’m planning to stand outside and heckle till I get invited in.
Minibreakfast and Lodestone of Wrongness are definitely who we should send to represent us. But let’s face it. Can we trust them to report back on the dinner conversation comprehensively? The way I see it, is that they are too loyal to betray a trust of one of the guests. We need a spy.
Who’s the best candidate?
Christopher Hitchens – Yes
Noel Gallagher – Yes
Carrie Fisher-Yes
Tina Fey- Yes
Brian Eno- Yes
Virginia Woolf – Yes
I don’t really object to any of the others but the above are my choices.
Oi! Ruby Blue! This is the knockout round. Pushying in line eh? Using those fluttering eyelashes to get back stage. “Liberation for Women,that’s what I preach.”, “Preacher man”.
😉
Adam Buxton, yes
Becky Unthank, sure, OK. I don’t know anything about her but I like her name.
Billy Bragg, Christ no
Boudicca, mmm. A hollering blue savage who won’t speak the lingo. No.
Brian Eno, no, he’s awful
Carrie Fisher, yes
Christopher Hitchens, yes, with reservations
David Bowie, yes
Groucho Marx, yes
Jane Austen, yes
Lemmy, lord no. What a wanker.
Martin Amis, see Lemmy
Noel Gallagher, ok then
Sam Neill, yes
Shakespeare, yes
Tina Fey, yes as long as we spell her right 😉
Virginia Woolf, I love her writing but she was a terrible snob. But… ok then.
Lemmy is a wanker but Noel isn’t? We could set that as an exam question.
Thought they were two peas from the same pod. Inflated egos,talk complete shite, make crap music.
Steady on Steve T., pull your trousers up. Lemmy was bonafide.
A bonafide wanker.
Honestly, why Lemmy suddenly got rock-god status when he died is beyond me. Half-a-dozen decent tunes, a speed habit everyone else grew out of when they hit 21, and a Nazi fixation, do not a guitar hero make.
No no no no no. I’m not about to have Lemmy airbrushed out of British Rock and Roll history by a couple of intellectual fruits. Not a fucking chance.
Especially when I’m this handsome!
Women… gays… people with fancy book-learnin’… I think the Jews are up next, bri! Come on mate!
Sure. It’s just that the crap Noel talks is pretty funny and intelligent, whereas Lemmy was just a tedious old lech who thought drugs made him interesting.
You’re a very blinkered individual, Bob, as intelligent as you are.
❤️
😂
Now you’re getting it! 😂😂😂😜
Absolute bollocks.
Noel G. only comes across as witty & entertaining when measured against his cretinous brother.
L. Kilminster Esq. on the other hand was a highly intelligent, extremely well read individual, & very droll when he chose to be. Unfortunately, successive generations of interviewers were intimidated by him, so never challenged him or asked him anything particularly interesting. Hardly his fault.
He seemed to me, in his later years, as being seriously depressive.
A big black Lemmy-shaped hole in your dinner party, if he was at the table.
I would take it as a given that the ‘guests’ at this hyperthetical dinner party would be on their best form, rather than at any diminished, lower ebb.
Lemmy proves that a monstrous appetite for amphetamines and cigarettes don’t make for a bright eyed & bushy tailed older age. That’s a given.
On his best form, however he could hold his own with any of the cultural big hitters nominated thus far & terrify any pseuds.
He crapped the likes of lightweights like Gallagher.
As a famous philosopher once said: absolute bollocks. 😉
Lemmy from Motörhead could hold his own with William Shakespeare, Christopher Hitchens, Groucho Marx and Virginia Woolf?
That’s a bit of a claim, isn’t it?
Well, Shakespeare was a bit of a lightweight on Nazi memorabilia.
He would probably stay behind to help with the washing up, but I don’t think Lemmy would enjoy watching Bowie and Eno doing their Pete’n’Dud impersonations.
To be fair, it was a hyperthesis ?!
After they’d done their ‘Pete’, I bet their impressions would be Dud.
Not really much of a claim, Bingo.
It’s a dinner party after all, not a Mensa-sponsored IQ pissing contest.
I’d be perfectly comfortable in that company myself – despite my studied underachieving – so I don’t see any reason why Lemmy would struggle. There seems to be a notion going about that he was a monosyllabic dolt, and that’s simply not the case.
His questionable taste in collectibles and his penchant for Crank don’t for a moment mean he was dim or ignorant – he was neither.
He wouldn’t be my personable choice for a dinner party guest – my choice that made it this far was Carrie Fisher – but unlike N Gallager Esq who wears his ignorance like a badge of honour, Lemmy was way smarter than most of his peers & fans, but perhaps due to the musical circles he frequented, kept his light mostly under a bushel as it didn’t fit the ‘image’.
Nothing to argue with there.
“Young” Lemmy would be good company, I reckon. Not a thicko. “Old” Lemmy was a bit too down for a party, I reckon. A disappointed man. But then “young” Lemmy is the one we’d invite, isn’t he?
I too would hate to be surrounded by soaring intellects, straining to compete, as my pitiful intellect is most definitely earthbound and anyway such behaviour would be extremely bad manners.
Just the company of charming not-dolts who know when to be serious and when to be frivolous and can lob out a good anecdote, preferably scurrilous, would suit me.
“Noel G. only comes across as witty & entertaining when measured against his cretinous brother.” – about time somebody said this. He really is an obnoxious arsehole, yet a surprising number of otherwise intelligent people seem to treat him as if he was a mix of Oscar Wilde and Father Christmas.
The pair of them are possibly the jammiest pop/rock ‘personalities’ ever. That’s EVER.
Recycling T Rex & Slade riffs at a very opportune moment of British pop self-regard, they came up with (at most) 5 passable songs & then ‘entertained’ fields of oafs until they absolutely ran out of anything resembling ideas.
Culturally, they merit a footnote somewhere bettwwen Belly & Shed Seven, but that’s not how our tabloid minded culture functions – they generate copy – so they keep hanging around like a stain on the inside wall of a lavvy.
Not a fan, me.
Well you can come to my dinner party, pal.
Pot Noodle suit ya?
Moose, you are a gent & a scholar.
I’ll bring the Tizer!
Also he wears shades all the time and we can’t have that at the dinner table. He could stand up beside the fireplace or slowly walk down the hall faster than a cannonball I suppose, but in someone else’s house.
I’d rather he stood in the fireplace and had a cannonball fired at him. Fast.
Merry Christmas!
I’m going to a party with Mini? Who cares about the other guests – what goes on at the party stays at the party, eh Mini?
You’re not there to party. You’re there to report! Already my concerns are rearing up with you Lodestone and we still have to finalise the guest list. You’re a rogue agent as far as I am concerned and I retract your nomination.
Noel Gallagher – no. Can be funny but he’s becoming a bit of a twat. Hanging out with Morrissey too much probably. Wouldn’t shine in company, only shines in interview scenario.
Bowie – yes. Would be charming, funny, can do impressions.
Hitchens – yes. Pretty much everything I’ve heard him say was interesting so long as he doesn’t dominate.
Bragg – no. He’s a bit of a tedious Corbyn apologist.
Carrie Fisher – yes. She was smart and funny.
Eno – no. Bit of a charlatan and bore really.
Marx – yes
Buxton – yes.
Boudicca – no. Lack of table manners.
Shakespeare – yes
Tina Fey – yes
Austen – yes
Lemmy – no. Boring anecdotes about rock ‘n’ roll excess we’ve heard before.
Neill – yes
Unthank – no idea but yes as women are needed.
Woolf – yes out of curiosity
Amis – no no no. Arrogant bastard.
Whereas unexpectedly, by all accounts Liam is very charming in non-interview situations.
Last-minute write-in votes for Liam!
Fookin eyelashes again!😂
If the eyelashes would work on him, I would absolutely bat them.
(Sorry feminist sisters, and everyone else, really.)
For what? Using your wiles? Never apologize for those.
😉❤️
Six I’d choose:
Adam Buxton, Becky Unthank, David Bowie, Noel Gallagher, William Shakespeare, Tina Fey
Six I’d lose:
Christopher Hitchens (I wouldn’t be able to follow the conversation), Martin Amis, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Sam Neill, Carrie Fisher.
Diddley gets my nomination as our spy. It definitely understands the rules.
Yes: Becky Unthank, Carrie Fisher, Christopher Hitchens, David Bowie, Groucho Marx, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Tina Fay,
No: Adam Buxton, Billy Bragg, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Jane Austen, Lemmy, Martin Amis, Noel Gallagher, Sam Neill, Tina Fay, Virginia Woolf
Nothing particular against the no list*, except they would just be less interesting/fun. Except Woolf, the snobbish, horse-faced neurotic.
Jane Austen and Buckles would be less interesting and fun?! You mad, boy.
Austen I always found smart but pleased with herself. Probably exposed too young and never made it up with her.
Buxton is not and never has been amusing in any way.
Some of the other noes were only eliminated but superior fire power from the other candidates.
Tina’s ended up on both your lists, @Gatz. Was that deliberate?
She can stay. She’s smart and funny, though I don’t think I would much to say to her except, ’30 Rock was good wasn’t it?’ and ‘I quite enjoyed your book.’
Can we have someone else to do a thread of Things I Resolutely Refuse To Laugh At? That was one of my favourites ever.
It went like this:
– Hey, what about this? [posts obviously funny video]
– No. I am not laughing.
And repeated 400 times in a similar vein. I’ve honestly never laughed so much in my life.
Smartarse ever initiated a topic? I can’t think of one off hand.
I’ve had a few tries at reading that, but… nope. Still no idea.
Practice makes perfect!😂
Probably best. Because otherwise it’s self-critical or rude, and in both cases inaccurate.
Never inaccurate.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
Do drugs,kids!
Ahem. I think that would have been me, Bob’* Glad to have brought you so much laughter, if so.
As someone who clearly has a tin ear for comedy (or has just lost my ability to find anything except dark humour funny), I’d be happy to start another thread – maybe TV comedy? Just post clips of Seinfeld – guaranteed to leave me stone-faced.
*I can’t say that without losing my lips and thinking of Baldrick.
Ah that was it. Bless you, Sal, it did make me laugh quite a lot, since the effect – if not the intention – did end up being a bit like you being determined to demonstrate that nothing makes you laugh. 😀
I promise you I would have laughed if I could. Maybe it was over-familiarity, but the only one that really made me genuinely lol was the traffic chips and the drugs bust one.
It’s more serious than I initially thought.
Curse smartphone autocorrect – pursing my lips, not losing them. And the link should have been this, not an FT article.
“I’d suggest you select contrasting pairs from the above – one you’d promote, one you’d deselect, up to a maximum of six pairs.” I don’t understand this.
Adam Buxton – no ( never heard of him)
Becky Unthank – no (never heard of her)
Billy Bragg – yes (nice and talented chap)
Boudicca – no (don’t know enough about her)
Brian Eno – no (don’t know enough about him, seems too serious)
Carrie Fisher – yes (hilarious)
Christopher Hitchens – yes (but would have to go outside to smoke)
David Bowie – yes, yes, yes and thrice more yes
Groucho Marx – no (I imagine him telling jokes, convinced of his own funniness, and I hate “zany”)
Jane Austen – no
Lemmy – no
Martin Amis – no
Noel Gallagher – ok
Sam Neill – ok
Shakespeare – yes, yes, yes (though he could easily turn out to be a wanker)
Tina Fey – no (don’t know enough about her)
Woolf – deffo no (too much of a downer)
I think I meant a series of head-to-head ‘matches’, so that two contrasting (or similar) characters are tested it against each other. A bit like what I imagine happens in football.
I admit I wasn’t very clear – it was very late when I was inspired to post – but it’s only a suggestion, which I’m quite ok with everyone ignoring.
I’ll tot up the votes for (+1) and the votes against (-1) when it looks like the thread’s run out of steam.
Then I’ll do another post with the results (attention-grabbing nitwit that I am), and maybe there’ll then be thoughts about likely topics of conversation and positions the six would take on them. Or not.
The Seating Plan.
Something else we can discuss=argue about.
Are we freaking you out,Salwarpe? We’re just having fun.😎
Me too, bc – except my kind of fun involves mind-numbing statistics, over-elaborate polls and watching paint dry.
That’s why we employ you.
I get paid?
Or am I some sort of late-developing intern? Anyone got any photocopying to do?
Sal. You’re the reason.
Relax. And swing.
The AW office has a playground? This is better than Google! Give me a push!
Cheque in the post.
We all get paid. Handsomely. Read the small print.
Adam Buxton: I know only the name. No.
Becky Unthank: Which one is she? And Mini/Lodey would tell on my review. No.
Billy Bragg: I reckon so, I find his hectoring gentle and knowing, these days. Yes.
Boudicca: Her, from On the Woad? No
Brian Eno: I’d like to see the interplay between him and Bragg, one all about the song, the other about the process. Yes.
Carrie Fisher: Seems to have been bonkers. Tales of Paul Simon might have us giggling. Yes.
Christopher Hitchens: Bit of drunken politico-religious diatribing? Yes.
David Bowie: Yes.
Groucho Marx: Would he bother to come, especially if invited? No.
Jane Austen: Why? No.
Lemmy: Again, him and Bowie might have us laughing as they compare and contrast. Yes.
Martin Amis: A dullard only Hitchens would sit next to. No.
Noel Gallagher: As long as he isn’t allowed to bring his guitar. Yes.
Sam Neill: Actors usually are not that interesting, and Carrie is already in, so No.
Shakespeare: Burns would be better. No.
Tina Fey: Out of her depth. No.
Virginia Woolf: Given the booze would be a flowin’, too prone to maudlin. No
If Victoria Coren-Mitchell is at the table, then frankly I don’t care who else is there.
Is this a first for the AW – loads of names suggested, and Richard Thompson does not make the final cut?
Much as I revere Thommo I think he’s too bashful to cut it in the proposed company. I have met him and he struck me as polite with a slightly patrician air. Also, he doesn’t drink, which probably wouldn’t help (more for Hitch and Lemmy if they make they cut …)
Oh, and that’s partly why Joe Boyd was in my original list. He probably has better, and certainly less guarded, stories about Richard, and all the other Witchseason acts who still form a large part of my listening, than he does.
The tongue must be loosened.
Hurrrr….
Sorry, I read the OP as the “knock one out stages”.
Yeah, sure you did. Knock yourself out, Moose.
Sometimes it seems like we are a circle of jerks, but I don’t think we need to take it to extremes.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iGFAyZtI-YM
Well none of my dinner guests made it to the knockout stage, so rather than flounce into the sea, I will participate in my own magnanimous big-hearted way:
Billy Bragg – Promoted. Likeable. Will probably back me up if things get political.
Boudicca – deselect. Can’t be bothered explaining Brexit, Judith Chalmers, Depeche Mode etc.
Brian Eno – Promoted. An old mucker of Bowie – probably dozens of stories of the two pals roisterdoistering back in the day.
Carrie Fisher – Probably knows Groucho from way back. I want to look after Groucho.
Christopher Hitchens – deselect. Too humble and self-effacing for my table.
David Bowie – Promoted. He’d like the other guests, I think. Particularly his old mate, Brian!
Groucho Marx – Promoted. Will probably cosy up with Carrie Fisher.
Jane Austen – deselect. I’d be worried that she wouldn’t get what was going on and I’d feel pressure to try too hard to include her.
Lemmy – deselect. Final years playing fruit machines alone in a bar. Not a great indicator of a bloke who can spin a yarn. He’d spent most of the night in silence and then eventually chime in with something out of context and unoriginal. (Very slowly) “Thing about buses…, right…is…you wait…know what I mean?….you wait….and then…THREE come at once!”
Martin Amis – deselect. See Christopher Hitchens.
Noel Gallagher – deselect. Or on a tiny plastic chair with the children, perhaps
Tina Fey – Promoted. Knows enough about Eno to take the piss and then Groucho and Carrie could pile in too. Bowie would then escalate things to a cruel and deeply personal level. Might get a bit ugly if I’m not careful.
Another fuckin’ Snob! Well done, England.
I am so disappointed.
At some point you’ll need to move on to what would be served at this dinner party….
I’ll be honest, most of my preferred choices don’t make it here,but as I didn’t get my arse in gear to vote in the first place I can hardly complain. That said, Kathy Burke, Dorothy Parker, Victoria Coren, Mini and Lodes is a a pretty good start. Of the rest, I’d go for the following:
Jane Austen – for the intelligence and the wit, and to write about it afterwards
Shakespeare – because, you know, who wouldn’t want to meet him?
David Bowie – diamond geezer and I imagine an interested and interesting conversationalist
Billy Bragg – as above
Martin Amis – contentious and likely to be curmudgeonly but you need a bit of grit in the oyster
Tina Fay – for the impressions and all round likeability
I’d deselect
Boudicca – on the grounds that we have even less idea what she’d be like than we would with Austen or Shakespeare
Christopher Hitchens – you certainly wouldn’t want him and Amis
Sam Neill – seems a decent chap but not sure what he’d add
Groucho Marx – can’t help feeling it would end up being all about him
Lemmy – we’d all be on tenterhooks waiting for him to act up the rock and roll monster shtick
Virginia Woolf – you wouldn’t want her and Austen, and the latter would almost certainly be the better company
I’m only turning up if you invite Rachel Stirling (sans hubby).
Is she hot? This Rachel Stirling?
Is the sun hot?
Ah.
sorry mini, if Rachael Stirling is there I’m replacing you. You can take Guy down the pub in the meantime and talk about vinyl and carboots whilst I discuss Keeley Hawes and Tipping the Velvet with Ms Stirling.
Why would you discuss Keeley Hawes with Rachael Stirling?
It would be… like discussing Noel Gallagher with Paul McCartney.
😂😂😂
Oh Miss Kitty!
Rachael’s voice in that is very silly, like a deliberately bad impression of Bernard Bresslaw. However I have found memories of that programme … well not the programme itself… the consequences of us watching one of the episodes… I’ll leave it that.
*daft grin*
And her appearance in The Detectorists adds a little undercurrent of disturb. Just me?
Not so much disturb as provoke, I would say.
I’d say that seeing as how I’ve been up all night not one of you motherfuckers Has entertained me in the slightest. And you’re supposed to be awake.
Quelle dissapoint.
😐😐😐
We’re at work
Don’t fuck with the ultimate message for silly points.
Turned out to be the penultimate message, didn’t it.
You as well. Don’t think you’ve gone unmarked.😂
This is all very entertaining but I am in a huff because Erik Bloodaxe did not make the shortlist. He and Virginia Woolf would have had SO much to talk about together.
Fuck off for once, Kai.
Love,Bri.
❤️
Isn’t there a risk that if Groucho is invited, he won’t want to join ?
If he sticks to his credo,then yes. You’re job though is to figure that out.shouldn’t be that hard. As much as a narcissist as Trump.or myself is for that matter. If you’d like an insight into the crazy,just let me know.
Love you. ❤️ Bri.
Trump is a perfect character for the USA whether they know it or not .
Now is the time to ask me Trump questions.
Which scores higher in bridge, hearts or clubs?
Diamonds!
What kind of dinner party is this? A seance? A number of the guests appear to be dead.
Almost exactly the point Andy made:
😂😂😂
“Bit moody”
😂😂😂
but nicely Sankey
Good evening and welcome on the left, sling yer ‘ook on the right:
Billy Bragg – Boudicca
Brian Eno – Christopher Hitchens
Carrie Fisher – Groucho Marx
David Bowie – Martin Amis
William Shakespeare – Noel Gallagher
Sam Neill – Virginia Woolf
Thanks, Mike! The first to pair up and square off the competitors – good on you.
So that’ll be in the following categories?
Defenders of Englishness
Theorists
Raconteurs
Depicters of London life
Quote-makers
Epic Australians – (Nicole Kidman played Woolf in The Hours)
Sam Neill is not Australian. I was about to defend his kiwiness but it turns out he is Norn Irish by birth. Moved to NZ in 1954.
Just shows the dangers of back of the fag packet free association in search of a cheap laugh. I stand corrected and slightly humbled. Thanks, BC!
He also makes a fine drop of Pinot Noir, as alluded to way up there. Two Paddocks – highly recommended.
I follow him on Twitter. He’s just discovered he’s got a half-cousin (or something) in Norn Iron who makes gin – so that’s pre-dinner drinks sorted too.
A useful man to know.