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Afterword dinner party – the knock out stages

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Thanks to all who posted an inspired selection of ideal dinner party guests. Now is time to whittle the lists down to a commonly-agreed final six. Of the 190+ guests suggested (130 m, 66 f), the following 16 were nominated twice, so I’ve decided they go through to the next round:

Adam Buxton, Becky Unthank, Billy Bragg, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Carrie Fisher, Christopher Hitchens, David Bowie, Groucho Marx, Jane Austen, Lemmy, Martin Amis, Noel Gallagher, Sam Neill, Shakespeare, Tina Fay, Virginia Woolf

If you’d care to indulge this extended flight of whimsy, I’d suggest you select contrasting pairs from the above – one you’d promote, one you’d deselect, up to a maximum of six pairs. In this way, we would winnow it down to the cream of the cream of AW favourites (or the lowest common denominators, of course).

Three guests were nominated three times – Dorothy Parker, Kathy Burke & Victoria Coren-Mitchell. So they get automatic seats at the table – and make for inspired hosts, I’d say.

Mini and Lodestone were mentioned twice, so they get to be our representatives at the feast. Maybe they’ll post their views on the final selection?

Tally ho!

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Comments

  1. Sam Neill (since he was the only one of mine to make the cut) yes – Christopher Hitchens no

    David Bowie yes – Lemmy no

    Brian Eno yes – Noel Gallagher no

    Carrie Fisher yes – Tina Fay no

    Virginia Woolf yes – Boudicca no (she wouldn’t understand a word anybody said, get grumpy and slice everybody’s legs off)

    Jane Austen yes – Martin Amis no

    I’m planning to stand outside and heckle till I get invited in.

  2. Minibreakfast and Lodestone of Wrongness are definitely who we should send to represent us. But let’s face it. Can we trust them to report back on the dinner conversation comprehensively? The way I see it, is that they are too loyal to betray a trust of one of the guests. We need a spy.

    Who’s the best candidate?

  3. Christopher Hitchens – Yes
    Noel Gallagher – Yes
    Carrie Fisher-Yes
    Tina Fey- Yes
    Brian Eno- Yes
    Virginia Woolf – Yes

    I don’t really object to any of the others but the above are my choices.

    • Oi! Ruby Blue! This is the knockout round. Pushying in line eh? Using those fluttering eyelashes to get back stage. “Liberation for Women,that’s what I preach.”, “Preacher man”.

      😉

  4. Adam Buxton, yes
    Becky Unthank, sure, OK. I don’t know anything about her but I like her name.
    Billy Bragg, Christ no
    Boudicca, mmm. A hollering blue savage who won’t speak the lingo. No.
    Brian Eno, no, he’s awful
    Carrie Fisher, yes
    Christopher Hitchens, yes, with reservations
    David Bowie, yes
    Groucho Marx, yes
    Jane Austen, yes
    Lemmy, lord no. What a wanker.
    Martin Amis, see Lemmy
    Noel Gallagher, ok then
    Sam Neill, yes
    Shakespeare, yes
    Tina Fey, yes as long as we spell her right 😉
    Virginia Woolf, I love her writing but she was a terrible snob. But… ok then.

    • Lemmy is a wanker but Noel isn’t? We could set that as an exam question.
      Thought they were two peas from the same pod. Inflated egos,talk complete shite, make crap music.

      • Sure. It’s just that the crap Noel talks is pretty funny and intelligent, whereas Lemmy was just a tedious old lech who thought drugs made him interesting.

        • Absolute bollocks.
          Noel G. only comes across as witty & entertaining when measured against his cretinous brother.
          L. Kilminster Esq. on the other hand was a highly intelligent, extremely well read individual, & very droll when he chose to be. Unfortunately, successive generations of interviewers were intimidated by him, so never challenged him or asked him anything particularly interesting. Hardly his fault.

            • I would take it as a given that the ‘guests’ at this hyperthetical dinner party would be on their best form, rather than at any diminished, lower ebb.
              Lemmy proves that a monstrous appetite for amphetamines and cigarettes don’t make for a bright eyed & bushy tailed older age. That’s a given.
              On his best form, however he could hold his own with any of the cultural big hitters nominated thus far & terrify any pseuds.
              He crapped the likes of lightweights like Gallagher.

                • Not really much of a claim, Bingo.
                  It’s a dinner party after all, not a Mensa-sponsored IQ pissing contest.
                  I’d be perfectly comfortable in that company myself – despite my studied underachieving – so I don’t see any reason why Lemmy would struggle. There seems to be a notion going about that he was a monosyllabic dolt, and that’s simply not the case.
                  His questionable taste in collectibles and his penchant for Crank don’t for a moment mean he was dim or ignorant – he was neither.
                  He wouldn’t be my personable choice for a dinner party guest – my choice that made it this far was Carrie Fisher – but unlike N Gallager Esq who wears his ignorance like a badge of honour, Lemmy was way smarter than most of his peers & fans, but perhaps due to the musical circles he frequented, kept his light mostly under a bushel as it didn’t fit the ‘image’.

                  • Nothing to argue with there.
                    “Young” Lemmy would be good company, I reckon. Not a thicko. “Old” Lemmy was a bit too down for a party, I reckon. A disappointed man. But then “young” Lemmy is the one we’d invite, isn’t he?

                    I too would hate to be surrounded by soaring intellects, straining to compete, as my pitiful intellect is most definitely earthbound and anyway such behaviour would be extremely bad manners.
                    Just the company of charming not-dolts who know when to be serious and when to be frivolous and can lob out a good anecdote, preferably scurrilous, would suit me.

          • “Noel G. only comes across as witty & entertaining when measured against his cretinous brother.” – about time somebody said this. He really is an obnoxious arsehole, yet a surprising number of otherwise intelligent people seem to treat him as if he was a mix of Oscar Wilde and Father Christmas.

            • The pair of them are possibly the jammiest pop/rock ‘personalities’ ever. That’s EVER.
              Recycling T Rex & Slade riffs at a very opportune moment of British pop self-regard, they came up with (at most) 5 passable songs & then ‘entertained’ fields of oafs until they absolutely ran out of anything resembling ideas.
              Culturally, they merit a footnote somewhere bettwwen Belly & Shed Seven, but that’s not how our tabloid minded culture functions – they generate copy – so they keep hanging around like a stain on the inside wall of a lavvy.
              Not a fan, me.

            • Also he wears shades all the time and we can’t have that at the dinner table. He could stand up beside the fireplace or slowly walk down the hall faster than a cannonball I suppose, but in someone else’s house.

    • You’re not there to party. You’re there to report! Already my concerns are rearing up with you Lodestone and we still have to finalise the guest list. You’re a rogue agent as far as I am concerned and I retract your nomination.

  6. Noel Gallagher – no. Can be funny but he’s becoming a bit of a twat. Hanging out with Morrissey too much probably. Wouldn’t shine in company, only shines in interview scenario.
    Bowie – yes. Would be charming, funny, can do impressions.
    Hitchens – yes. Pretty much everything I’ve heard him say was interesting so long as he doesn’t dominate.
    Bragg – no. He’s a bit of a tedious Corbyn apologist.
    Carrie Fisher – yes. She was smart and funny.
    Eno – no. Bit of a charlatan and bore really.
    Marx – yes
    Buxton – yes.
    Boudicca – no. Lack of table manners.
    Shakespeare – yes
    Tina Fey – yes
    Austen – yes
    Lemmy – no. Boring anecdotes about rock ‘n’ roll excess we’ve heard before.
    Neill – yes
    Unthank – no idea but yes as women are needed.
    Woolf – yes out of curiosity
    Amis – no no no. Arrogant bastard.

  7. Six I’d choose:

    Adam Buxton, Becky Unthank, David Bowie, Noel Gallagher, William Shakespeare, Tina Fey

    Six I’d lose:

    Christopher Hitchens (I wouldn’t be able to follow the conversation), Martin Amis, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Sam Neill, Carrie Fisher.

  9. Yes: Becky Unthank, Carrie Fisher, Christopher Hitchens, David Bowie, Groucho Marx, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Tina Fay,

    No: Adam Buxton, Billy Bragg, Boudicca, Brian Eno, Jane Austen, Lemmy, Martin Amis, Noel Gallagher, Sam Neill, Tina Fay, Virginia Woolf

    Nothing particular against the no list*, except they would just be less interesting/fun. Except Woolf, the snobbish, horse-faced neurotic.

  10. “I’d suggest you select contrasting pairs from the above – one you’d promote, one you’d deselect, up to a maximum of six pairs.” I don’t understand this.

    Adam Buxton – no ( never heard of him)
    Becky Unthank – no (never heard of her)
    Billy Bragg – yes (nice and talented chap)
    Boudicca – no (don’t know enough about her)
    Brian Eno – no (don’t know enough about him, seems too serious)
    Carrie Fisher – yes (hilarious)
    Christopher Hitchens – yes (but would have to go outside to smoke)
    David Bowie – yes, yes, yes and thrice more yes
    Groucho Marx – no (I imagine him telling jokes, convinced of his own funniness, and I hate “zany”)
    Jane Austen – no
    Lemmy – no
    Martin Amis – no
    Noel Gallagher – ok
    Sam Neill – ok
    Shakespeare – yes, yes, yes (though he could easily turn out to be a wanker)
    Tina Fey – no (don’t know enough about her)
    Woolf – deffo no (too much of a downer)

    • I think I meant a series of head-to-head ‘matches’, so that two contrasting (or similar) characters are tested it against each other. A bit like what I imagine happens in football.

      I admit I wasn’t very clear – it was very late when I was inspired to post – but it’s only a suggestion, which I’m quite ok with everyone ignoring.

      I’ll tot up the votes for (+1) and the votes against (-1) when it looks like the thread’s run out of steam.

      Then I’ll do another post with the results (attention-grabbing nitwit that I am), and maybe there’ll then be thoughts about likely topics of conversation and positions the six would take on them. Or not.

  12. Adam Buxton: I know only the name. No.
    Becky Unthank: Which one is she? And Mini/Lodey would tell on my review. No.
    Billy Bragg: I reckon so, I find his hectoring gentle and knowing, these days. Yes.
    Boudicca: Her, from On the Woad? No
    Brian Eno: I’d like to see the interplay between him and Bragg, one all about the song, the other about the process. Yes.
    Carrie Fisher: Seems to have been bonkers. Tales of Paul Simon might have us giggling. Yes.
    Christopher Hitchens: Bit of drunken politico-religious diatribing? Yes.
    David Bowie: Yes.
    Groucho Marx: Would he bother to come, especially if invited? No.
    Jane Austen: Why? No.
    Lemmy: Again, him and Bowie might have us laughing as they compare and contrast. Yes.
    Martin Amis: A dullard only Hitchens would sit next to. No.
    Noel Gallagher: As long as he isn’t allowed to bring his guitar. Yes.
    Sam Neill: Actors usually are not that interesting, and Carrie is already in, so No.
    Shakespeare: Burns would be better. No.
    Tina Fey: Out of her depth. No.
    Virginia Woolf: Given the booze would be a flowin’, too prone to maudlin. No

  13. If Victoria Coren-Mitchell is at the table, then frankly I don’t care who else is there.

    Is this a first for the AW – loads of names suggested, and Richard Thompson does not make the final cut?

    • Much as I revere Thommo I think he’s too bashful to cut it in the proposed company. I have met him and he struck me as polite with a slightly patrician air. Also, he doesn’t drink, which probably wouldn’t help (more for Hitch and Lemmy if they make they cut …)

      • Oh, and that’s partly why Joe Boyd was in my original list. He probably has better, and certainly less guarded, stories about Richard, and all the other Witchseason acts who still form a large part of my listening, than he does.

  17. Well none of my dinner guests made it to the knockout stage, so rather than flounce into the sea, I will participate in my own magnanimous big-hearted way:

    Billy Bragg – Promoted. Likeable. Will probably back me up if things get political.
    Boudicca – deselect. Can’t be bothered explaining Brexit, Judith Chalmers, Depeche Mode etc.
    Brian Eno – Promoted. An old mucker of Bowie – probably dozens of stories of the two pals roisterdoistering back in the day.
    Carrie Fisher – Probably knows Groucho from way back. I want to look after Groucho.
    Christopher Hitchens – deselect. Too humble and self-effacing for my table.
    David Bowie – Promoted. He’d like the other guests, I think. Particularly his old mate, Brian!
    Groucho Marx – Promoted. Will probably cosy up with Carrie Fisher.
    Jane Austen – deselect. I’d be worried that she wouldn’t get what was going on and I’d feel pressure to try too hard to include her.
    Lemmy – deselect. Final years playing fruit machines alone in a bar. Not a great indicator of a bloke who can spin a yarn. He’d spent most of the night in silence and then eventually chime in with something out of context and unoriginal. (Very slowly) “Thing about buses…, right…is…you wait…know what I mean?….you wait….and then…THREE come at once!”
    Martin Amis – deselect. See Christopher Hitchens.
    Noel Gallagher – deselect. Or on a tiny plastic chair with the children, perhaps
    Tina Fey – Promoted. Knows enough about Eno to take the piss and then Groucho and Carrie could pile in too. Bowie would then escalate things to a cruel and deeply personal level. Might get a bit ugly if I’m not careful.

  19. I’ll be honest, most of my preferred choices don’t make it here,but as I didn’t get my arse in gear to vote in the first place I can hardly complain. That said, Kathy Burke, Dorothy Parker, Victoria Coren, Mini and Lodes is a a pretty good start. Of the rest, I’d go for the following:

    Jane Austen – for the intelligence and the wit, and to write about it afterwards
    Shakespeare – because, you know, who wouldn’t want to meet him?
    David Bowie – diamond geezer and I imagine an interested and interesting conversationalist
    Billy Bragg – as above
    Martin Amis – contentious and likely to be curmudgeonly but you need a bit of grit in the oyster
    Tina Fay – for the impressions and all round likeability

    I’d deselect

    Boudicca – on the grounds that we have even less idea what she’d be like than we would with Austen or Shakespeare
    Christopher Hitchens – you certainly wouldn’t want him and Amis
    Sam Neill – seems a decent chap but not sure what he’d add
    Groucho Marx – can’t help feeling it would end up being all about him
    Lemmy – we’d all be on tenterhooks waiting for him to act up the rock and roll monster shtick
    Virginia Woolf – you wouldn’t want her and Austen, and the latter would almost certainly be the better company

  20. I’d say that seeing as how I’ve been up all night not one of you motherfuckers Has entertained me in the slightest. And you’re supposed to be awake.

    Quelle dissapoint.

    😐😐😐

  21. This is all very entertaining but I am in a huff because Erik Bloodaxe did not make the shortlist. He and Virginia Woolf would have had SO much to talk about together.

    • If he sticks to his credo,then yes. You’re job though is to figure that out.shouldn’t be that hard. As much as a narcissist as Trump.or myself is for that matter. If you’d like an insight into the crazy,just let me know.
      Love you. ❤️ Bri.

  26. Good evening and welcome on the left, sling yer ‘ook on the right:

    Billy Bragg – Boudicca
    Brian Eno – Christopher Hitchens
    Carrie Fisher – Groucho Marx
    David Bowie – Martin Amis
    William Shakespeare – Noel Gallagher
    Sam Neill – Virginia Woolf

    • Thanks, Mike! The first to pair up and square off the competitors – good on you.
      So that’ll be in the following categories?

      Defenders of Englishness
      Theorists
      Raconteurs
      Depicters of London life
      Quote-makers
      Epic Australians – (Nicole Kidman played Woolf in The Hours)

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