David Attenborough (in hushed tones): ‘And here, indeed, we are priveleged to eavesdrop on something never before captured on film: a rare glimpse into the natural behaviour of a Celtic soul artiste perhaps, indeed, the very last one alive – in his natural environment, the recording studio…’
Celtic Soul artiste: ‘Take me back, take me back, take me way back… take me back to Orangefield an’ the pagan streams, down by Hyndford Street… down by Arklow on a stormy Monday… wakin’ up in TB sheets on Raglan Road, lonely an’ blue, lonely avenue … Take me back, take me way back – Sidney Bechet comin’ through the ether on Voice Of America, Willis Conover an’ David Jacobs, Unle Mac an’ Lord Reith… Hilversum, Radio Athlone, Greenwich Light Vessel, Jelly Roll Morton, Lionel Morten, Lionel Blue, Lionel Blair – listen to the Lionel, listen to the Lionel… St Dominic’s Preview, André Preview, guaranteed a sea view… Down by Avalon, down by Avalon – down by the old bull an’ bush, down by the seaside, down at the doctor’s – Wilko Johnson an’ Lee Brilleaux, pub rock, pub rock, PUB ROCK! – down, down, deeper an’ down – Star of the County Down – Paddy Moloney an’ Derek Bell, Highway to Hell, Gideon Fell, Dingly Dell, Went The Day Well… Wilson, Keppel an’ Betty… Rod, Jane an’ Freddie… the Phlorescent Leech ‘n’ Eddie…. people get ready, let’s do rocksteady… didyerevahearabout didyerevahearabout… William Blake! Sexton Blake! Finnegan’s Wake! Greg Lake! – they were smokin’ dope in Kendal…
[honks saxophone for eccentric number of bars…]
JamesJoycebooksJamesJoycebooks – Ulysses, Dubliners, errrrr… Portrait Of An Artist As A Young Man In Drumshanbo, Drumshanbo, gettin’ ripped off in the sixties, ripped off in the sixties – Into The Mystic, Rodney’s a dipstick, Freddie’n’the Dreamers, Johnny Kidd’n’the Pirates, Kingsize Taylor’n’the Dominoes, Billy J Kramwer, Billy J Kramer, BILLY J KRAMER! Lance Percival, Gene Vincent, Gene Autrey, Jean Genet, Séamus Heaney, Sarah Beany – Willie Rushton, Willie Rushton, Ken Dodd, Ken Dodd, KEN DODD – Black Rod, Bob Todd, Police Squad… didyerevahearaboutdidyerevahearabout… William Coleridge, TS Eliot, Lasceles Abercrombie, Emily Bronte, Evelyn Waugh, Sylvia Plath, Cape Wrath, the Shining Path – tore down a la Rimbaud, tore down a la Rimbaud… Rave on John Donne, rave on Clive Dunn, rave on Attila The Hun, rave on Ben Gunn – Robinson Crusoe, Robinson Crusoe! Playin’ R’n’B with Man Friday on the desert island, Sidney Bechet on Radio Luxembourg, Mahalia Jackson comin’ through the ether… Eatin’ Paris buns on Hyndford Street, apple strudel, Bakewell tart, croquembouche, croquembouche – Eccles cakes, Jammy Dodgers, Ted Rogers, Enver Hoxha, profiteroles an’ hot cross buns, Spangles an’ Mintola, Rancheros, Rancheros – Yorkie bars an’ Curly-wurly before they became half the size – inthedaysbeforerockanrockinthedaysbeforerockanroll – Justin, Justin – where is Justin? WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN?!?
Down by Avalon with Rumpilstiltskin, Cinderella, Bilbo Baggins, Christopher Biggins, Alex Higgins, The Elves an’ the Shoemaker, the Elves an’ the Shoemaker – did ye get heeled, did ye get heeled? … Down by Coney Island, potted herrings an’ Celtic Ray, Celtic Ray – Doris Day, Reggie Kray, Beechcomber Bay, What’dISay? What’dISay? … Playin’ R’n’B with Charley Patton an’ Bix Beiderbecke, Mantovani an’ Johnny Ray, Winnifrid Atwell an’ Dickie Henderson, Dickie Henderson… Down at the London Palladium with Fletcher Henderson an’ Frankie Howerd… Variety Bandbox… In Town Tonight… Listen With Mother… Smokin’ dope with George Robey an’ John Dowland, Gustav Mahler an’ Muffin The Mule… down by Cyprus Avenue, Cyprus Avenue… Ian Paisley an’ Bob Daisley, Have I Told You, er, Lazily – no surrender, on a bender, return to sender, Freddy Fender…
[points at terrified yet anonymous band members dressed in black to take solos of indeterminate length]
Cleanin’ windows, cleanin’ windows… down by Fusco’s Ice Cream in the Aryan Mist an’ the healin’ has begun, walkin’ on the bright side of the road with Jean Paul Sartre an’ Mr Toad, ratty an’ Mole, Toad in a hole, jelly roll, on the dole, Brendan Cole, Exit Poll, Celtic Soul, rock’n’roll, err… Nat King Cole, Old King Cole, feast O’ Stephen, odds or even, can’t stop believin’… toolatetostopnowtoolatetostopnow… and it stoned me, yes it did – YES IT DID – in the summertime in England-G-L-O-R-I-A GLORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-EEE-AAH! G-L-O-R-I-A… makes ya fell alllllllllllllllright… babypleasedon’tgodowntaNewOrleans… or Coney Island… or Connswater… or Milton Keynes, Milton Keynes… TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK – Wordsworth’n’Coleridge, Laurel’n’Hardy, Torvill’n’Dean, Flanagan’n’Allen, Any’n’Dec, Blur’n’Oasis, Jesus Christ, Fanny Bryce, Wolfy Mozart’n’Humphrey Bogart’n’ Genghis Khan an’ errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…. H.G.WELLS! WILLIAM BLAKE! ROSEMARY CLOONEY! ALMA COGAN!’
[continues ad infinitum]
Recording Engineer: ‘Yep, the mic’s working. Okay, we can go for a take now…’
And…relax.
I’d pay good money to hear that, good stuff Mr H
Excellent work Colin. We’ll miss him when he’s gone. But I’m not so sure about Van’s endangered status. My guess is that he’s been reproducing asexually for years. After all, there are mini-vans everywhere.
Mr H, I am in tears of laughter and I bow before you. That is possibly the best gig I have never attended. You are a cod amongst minnows. Rave on, rave on, rave on, ……….
‘…WC Handy, Andy Pandy, Jim Dandy, millyMollyMandy – rave on, rave on, rave on – in haunts of ancient peace, in days like these, call me the breeze, Jeffery Beck, Gregory Peck, Anton Du Beke – urghhgnnnngrrrrgurgleumph – Humphrey Lyttelton, Pippa Middleton, Bo Diddley an’ Ernest Hemingway, Billy The Kid, the Pied Piper of Hamlyn, Carravagio, J.S.Bach, J. Edgar Hoover, T. Dan Smith, Cyril Smith, Cyril smith, CYRIL SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
And we let the goldfish go.
We had to, he’d been pinching from petty cash.
Ha! Nice one, Moosey.
A funny post on a funny thread.
‘Way up on Cyprus Avenue, yes ah am…’
Hilarious. Unlike our Prince of the Celtic Twilight, I am speechless.
Bravo Colin!
Caught one more time.
Doesn’t fail to amuse.
Reminds me of a piece on a bob fan site where he is supposedly teaching the fab 2 how to come up with stuff like his lyrics. V funny also.
Madchester Rave On John Donne:
“Busy old fool, unruly sun, you shouldn’t be in ‘ere!”
ColinH. Gentler. Than a man.
Brilliant, Colin. Brilliant.
It ain’t why, why, it just is… 🙂
We are
DOWN
on our
KNEES!
The final result of the recording session was this.
https://youtu.be/ib_jbtGA9-M
‘…goin’ down by Bert Berns office, pickin’ up a huge big royalty check, celebratin’ down in Greenwich Village with Count Basie an’ Elton Welsby, Dock Boggs an’ Cliff Mitchelmore, Vlad the Impaler an’ Dennis Taylor, Basil Rathbone, Jimmy Cricket, Betty Boop an’ Ernest Shackleton, Bernie Winters an’ Popeye The Sailor Man… Eatin pies an’ drinkin’ babycham with Charles Bronson, Caruso, Houdini, Pablo Casals, Charlie Harper an’ Barrie Masters… listenin’ to Mahalia Jackson an’ Moon Mullican on 78s with that guy in East 17 – Brian Harvey, Brian Harvey, BRIAN HARVEY! Smokin’ dope down by the gospel hall on Hyndford Street with Aleister Crowley an’ William Booth, WILLIAM BOOTH, Lord Kitchener an’ Doug McClure, Barbecue Bob, Little Walter, George Benson, Ivy Benson, Kid Jenson an’ Plastric Bertrand, Isiah Berlin an’ the Milky Bar kid… STEVE RACE! STEVE RACE! CHEVY CHASE! ROBIN RAY! CELTIC RAY! Highland Toffee, Gravy Rings, Black Forest Gateaux, powdered egg, spam fritters, MASHED POTATO! BOIL IN THE BAG BEEF! CRISPY PANCAKES! HECTOR’S HOUSE! CRYSTAL TIPS ‘n’ ALASTAIR! MAX MILLER! CHARLES HAWTRY! DAVE EDMUNDS’ ROCKPILE! TERRY-THOMAS! THE CHAS McDEVITT SKIFFLE GROUP! VINCE HILL! VINCE HILL! VINCE HILL!!!!!
[Celtic soul artiste has seizure, head explodes, paramedics called…]
The only way to do these posts justice is to read them out loud as you go. With a Van accent. Fantastic stuff!
‘…down by Sauchiehall Street with Jorrox an’ the White Heather Club, playin’ R&B with Rob Roy an’ Nicola Sturgeon, Robbie Burns an’ Humphrey Bogart, Alex Harvey, Tam O’Shanter, Keith Chegwin, 007 an’ a load a’ wee timorous beasties… Listenin’ to Bunk Johnson, the Mississippi Sheiks an’ Alex Salmond on Radio Clyde long wave – take me back, take me back, take me back by the high road an’ you take the low road…’
Okay … here we go…
Take me back, take me way way back. Hilversum and Luxemburg. Listen to the wireless. Listen to the Lion. Lions after slumber, in unvanquishable number. Rave on, Rave on Mr Shelley! Shelley Winters, Edgar Winter, Bernie Winters – winters in the garden wet with rain. Take me back, take me way way back. To Hyndford Street, and Harland and Wolff, Howlin’ Wolf, Lightnin’ Hopkins, Mary Hopkin, Mary Mary Quite Contrary, how does your garden grow? In the garden,wet with rain. Rave on Mr Keats! Ode to a Nightingale, Danny Nightingale, Danny and the Juniors. On the BBC Light Service. In the Garden…
Oh dear. I’m not very good at this….
not at all – it raised a laugh with me! 🙂
Nah, that was top notch better-than-colin stuf!!
Over at The Guardian, Martin Kettle is having a go at a Van;
. . . ‘the repressive united Europe of the Vienna settlement: Castlereagh and Metternich, Louis XVIII and Charles X of France and Ferdinand VII of Spain, anti-liberal anti-democratic reactionaries set on consigning the Europe of republics and peoples to the history books.’
Mmm, you ain’t no @colin-h Martin. . .
‘…Martin Kettle calling the pot black, Eddie Charlton, Bill Werbernuik, Cliff Thorburn, Cliff Thorburn, drinkin’ beer down by Tintagel with King Caractacus and the Worm Ourouborous… 147, 147, strangers in the night, Biff Byford, Acker Bilk, Frank Sinatra an’ Sidney Bechet, Louis Armstrong an’ Cuthbert Calculus, General Alcazar an’ Ducks Deluxe, Ducks Deluxe, playin’ R&B at the Hope & Anchor with Mahalia Jackson servin’ warm beer and Paris buns to Buster Keaton an’ the Crazy Gang an’ the Tyla Gang, down by Avalon, down by Avalon…’