Inspired by something I read the other day regarding American bands naming themselves after American cities: Boston, Chicago, Kansas, etc., I realized there aren’t many British bands named after British towns & cities. Why couldn’t ‘Nazareth’ have called themselves ‘Dunfermline’? Somehow ‘Chicago’ seems more exotic than Pollockshields (shame – ‘Never Mind the Pollockshields’ would have been a great name for an album).
Anyway, I got to thinking – a la Douglas Adams’ ‘Meaning of Liff’ I thought we could come up with some fictitious bands named after UK towns & cities and tell the readers what sort of band they are.
I’ll get us started:
Kettering – early 1970s prog lite, big on smoke machines, capes & mellotrons.
Budleigh Salterton – Brinsley Schwartz’s understudy band, composed entirely of lookalikes, available at a moment’s notice to dep for the real McCoy.
On their “Corn exchange” tour, they were supported by Brinsley Schwartz.
Brinsley also being the name of a small mining village in Nottinghamshire.
Bentley (Small village on the outskirt of Doncaster) – Failed 2 Tone revival band.
That’s ace, Les. Bet they got rhythm.
Ambleside.
Early 70s folk-rock sextet featuring at various times various members of Fairport Convention. Had an unexpected hit in 1975 with a cover of ‘I Can See Clearly Now’.
Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
Late 80s / early 90s ‘daisy age’ MCs who rapped entirely in French. Their rhymes concerned themselves mainly with the lives of 19th century ribbon manufacturers. One session for Andy Kershaw, then sadly obscurity knocked.
Tredegar – Budgie style heavy rock. Oops they really existed!
I saw them at the Edinburgh Preservation Hall in 1987. They were shite, believe it or not.
Did the members of both bands who could be bothered unite to form Budgerigar?
Oh that’s good.
*presses up button*
Stornoway
Power metal band whose fifth album “Hebrideansaga” released two years ago cemented their reputation as one of Europe’s premier riff merchants. Turned down a slot on 2014’s Download as it was on the Sabbath.
Stornoway are a real indie-folk band, believe it or not.
I can believe it Steve, but i think my power metal band sound more fun. I can’t imagine an indie folk band blowing up hot water bottles on stage to be honest.
They’re utter shite with or without hot water bottles, anyway.
Barry Island
Soul singer who had a couple of Top 30 hits in the mid-70s that some compared to the Average White Band (“Even worse than the Average White Band” – NME).
Mansfield
Britpop band who somehow had a Top 10 album in 1997 despite the fact that no one knows anyone who bought the CD.
Westward Ho!
Some godawful post-rock indie muck from Cornwall. Beards and glasses. Had a song on one of the Word CDs.
Harsh but true.
Mary Hill
Enigmatic Scottish folk singer who disappeared without trace in 1972 after two albums on the Transatlantic label (“Mary Hill Junior” and “Shakespeare Street”) .
Ironbridge.
Formed in 1979 by teenaged school friends Barry Splott (vocals) and ‘Lanky’ Ian Lanchester (lead guitar), Ironbridge were the quintessential, spandex-clad, early 80s hair-metal band. They bestrode the mid 80s rock festival circuit like gods of Asgard, while their third album ‘Cast Iron Love Machine’ (1984) sold 3 million copies worldwide. However, they made a career misstep in 1987, when Barry began to dabble in left-wing politics. Their folk-inflected, New Model Army-esque album ‘It’s Only Smock n’ Roll’ – which dealt with the plight of agrarian society as the Industrial Revolution was born – was an Ironbridge too far for their hitherto loyal fanbase, and the record and accompanying tour bombed. The band pulled it together for one final hurrah in 1990 with their back to basics, four on the floor, out and out rock set ‘Back To The Foundry’ – the album sold modestly, and Barry and Lanky – wisely realizing that their time had come – called time on the band in early ’91.
And also a rather lovely song on UK Americana merchants’ Case Hardin’s album PM.
Middlewich – NWOBHM from long haired yet immaculately groomed sixth formers with a sideline in Hamlet pastiches. Their dads have nice cars and help out with transport to gigs.
I mean Macbeth, don’t I, or was it Runrig? I forget which one I’m not supposed to mention.
Tolpuddle. Weasel, Scrote, Orc and Tinker (Jeremy, Julian, Zak and Tim to their mothers) were West Country folk activists from Winbledon. Their loyal fan base, mostly girls called Jessica, finally abandoned them for lawyers called Clive. Tolpuddle disbanded after their first gig in Wiltshire. “Have you been there?” a horrified Weasel asked NME. “It stinks.”
Toddington.
Kiddie folk. Think The New Seekers meet Rod, Jane and Freddy. Make Rod, Jane and Freddy look like GG Allin.
Tuffley.
The brainchild of Steven Patrick Tuffley, originally conceived as a UK Subs tribute band. Tuffley, the aggressively macho frontman, was noted for his habit of having sex with several groupies at a time on stage, often while devouring a rare steak, using the exposed lower back of one of his luckless couplees as a sort of trencher. While by common consent having influenced exactly nobody, Tuffley did achieve a one-off success with the single “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get Off With Who I Want (Real Men Don’t Say Please”, but died shortly afterwards of a brain aneurysm. It is thought that his death was brought about by rage at realising his deeply heartfelt record had charted only because people thought it was a Kenny Everett novelty single.
Portishead, foreboding trip-hop from………….
Montrose, american band named after their foremost memeber.
Scunthorpe
Often to be found supporting The Macc Lads, and forever in dispute with gig promoters unhappy about their logo, which made maximum use of the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th letters of their name.
Nempnett Thrubwell – a pastoral 70s singer a la Clifford T Ward, long flowing locks, sat at the piano, singing songs about his nanny, Esther.
Haydock
Late 1970s power pop band noted for their big hair and early adoption of the synthesiser sound. Split after an unsuccessful US tour in the ’80s though two original members still appear on the pub and club circuit as Haydock Park.
Scotch Corner
A bearded duo, signed on haste by Island Records when Medicine Head appeared bound for glory. First (and only) album featured the road sign ‘Scotch Corner 50 Miles’ with the band’s van on its side in a lay-by.
Jodrell Bank
Supported “The Oort Cloud” (passim.) ; much influenced by Here and Now, Jodrell Bank comprised two apprentice electricians, a TV shop salesman, and their girlfriends doing floaty dances to the trippier interludes (created by playing glissando guitar through a tape loop with synthesiser effects courtesy of their ZX81 computer). Loading tracks from cassette proved impracticable live, and after their gear was soaked at Cissbury Ring Festival (“bring what you’d like to find”!) in 1981, they decided to become anarcho-punk instead. They were no less popular.
Cheam
Cheam were a 1960s British rock supergroup power trio consisting of bassist/singer Bruce Jack, drummer Ginger Nuts, and guitarist/singer Ernie Clapton.
Sherborne St John
Blues from the North Hampshire Delta. Often collaborated with Stratfield Mortimer and Preston Candover
Eversley Cross
Satanic Death Metal band.
First album “Reversing Into The Devils Driveway” was a concept album of sorts, regarding the evils associated with British Leyland and the demonic posession of the Longbridge production line. Often performed with half-brother Gerrard
Ashby de la Zouch, 70s purveyors of baroque metal, formed by Dave Ashby and Tony de la Zouch, previously members of heavy rock pioneers Bovey Tracey.
Pity Me.
Fey, sensitive jangly 80’s pop, best known for their hit “Goodness Me, I’m a Bit Fed Up”. Much use of gladioli and hearing aids.
Staying in County Durham…
Chester Le Street
Early 80s Blue Rondo A La Turk types, who briefly appeared in a nightclub scene in Absolute Beginners, much to the fury of local rivals Houghton Le Spring. And Hetton Le Hole.
Milton Keynes
Singer songwriter whose instrument of choice is an upright flute. Noted for penning the theme tune to the seventies Rita Webb sit-com, Put A Sock In It, Beryl.
West Drayton
West London rapper in the 50 Cent mould. His seminal concept 2008 album “Take of from Gatwick Land at Heathrow” is seen by some as the greatest British album of the genre, others think it’s complete wank…….
Winnersh Traingle
3 piece punk band formed in 1979 with the express intention of re-writing the rule book of the music biz.
First demo “Everything’s Broken (We Know, Cos We Broke It)” was produced by Pete Waterman. The band objected to the inclusion of the Bee Gees drum loop on the chorus, and broke the acetate over Pete Watermans Mercedes in the car park.
Lead singer Dave Cutchabollocksoff is now a fishing magnate in Grimsby with three operational trawlers. Bassist Norman Wattyoulookingatboy runs a kebab van on the A329, and drummer Plum is now Executive Chairman of Slough Town FC
Fingeringhoe.
Worst. Sandy. Denny. Tribute. Ever.
“Biggleswade” Unspeakably twee C86 band. Even Stuart Murdoch from Belle And Sebastian thinks he can take them.
“Fenrother” Heavy metal band like The Almighty, just didn’t have the hits.
“Westfield” Scottish hip hip act. Quite culty these days amongst the cognoscenti.
“Ely” Eels tribute act.
Aberdeen: a curious but endearing mixture of folk-rock and endless guitar solos before the lure of North Sea Oil proved too much. A reunion tour in 2012 failed to set the heather alight although lead-guirarist Dougie McLean still plays every Friday night in the Cockett Hat. Bass player Doddie “No Hands” Clarke recently won a bowls tournament in Westburn Park whilst the still-lovely Annie Lomax was last seen serving cones and chocolate sliders in the Inversnecky Cafe. Drummer Tam “Three Hands” Macguire is currently halfway through an eighteen month sentence for an offence too distasteful to talk of here.
Copies of their first and thankfully last LP “C’wa The Dons” are a much sought-after collectors item often costing as much as one pound fifty in Oxfam.
Matching Tye.
Suited and booted cabaret crooner duo.
Like a matching pair of Engelbert Humperdincks on Mogadon.
Hemel Hempstead
Supported Van Der Graaf Generator at the Newcastle Mayfair in 1983.
They had Orange amps and a mellotron.
Cherry Burton
Squeaky-clean pop singer with limited success. Made one Top Of The Pops appearance in 1976 as a last minute replacement , giving her a ‘hit’ at no. 46 the following week.
Boston Spa
Blues & boogie no-hopers who opened many a festival circa 1972. Their one album was hampered by record company financial woes, and was difficult to track down.
Cowthorpe
Rockabilly revivalists, more noted for their bovine logo than their chops.
Twatt
Supported The Toy Dolls on a UK tour. Found getting airplay somewhat difficult.
Little Milton
American blues singer and guitarist, best known for his hit records “Grits Ain’t Groceries,” “Walking the Back Streets and Crying,” and “We’re Gonna Make It.” Oh, hang on a minute!
The Chipping Norton Set – charmless bunch of overweight blues shouters.
Barrow In Furness
Late 1970s electronic avant-garde outfit specialising in conceptual albums mainly concerning 17th century convertible husbandry and massive tits.
Byker
NWOBHM band formed in 1981 and signed to Neat Records. Debut album (“On Yer Byker”) created a stir as it featured a painting of the four band members chasing Norman Tebbit on motorbikes. Drummer went on to have a brief spell in Venom in the late 80s after changing his name from Alan to Chthulugoth.
One of Venom became a fitness instructor! A friend of mine used to use him. “Abbadon is a great fitness instructor.” Something he actually said once…
That’s made my day. Mind you, that is a bit of a career change. On the back cover of Black Metal he was described as “barbaric gardian to the 7 gates of Hell” Apparently, spelling wasn’t a required skill for that job.
Bath
An ensemble of ridiculously posh and attractive female classical musicians, signed in haste when it appeared that Mediaeval Baebes were going to hit the big time. Their career stalled during a regional radio station tour, when band members snorted derisively every time a local presenter pronounced their name with a hard ‘a’.
Shepton Mallet
NWOTNWOTNWOTNW
New Wave Of The New Wave Of The New Wave Of The New Wave band. Their single ” Resume Résumé” was an indie disco floor filler* in 2003.
*The single sold very little and all copies were melted down and used as grout at Dalston’s Shackwell Arms dance floor and toilets.
Six Mile Bottom.
Little known Fenland based rap collective famed for their suggestive videos and wetlands based imagery. Big on the East Anglian USAF base scene though career highlight was headlining the Red Lodge campsite all nighters.