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A Sobering Question : what music do you want to be played at your funeral?

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This is a hard post. My dearest friend passed away last week, suddenly. Like me, he was slowly approaching requirement.

It is a traumatic time for his family, most of all, but also for all of his friends who, like me, had pictured years of retirement where we could go for a leisurely lunch which descended into an afternoon on the lash, followed by a phone call home to get one of our children to collect us.

One particular mountain to climb, which his partner has asked for my advice on is – what music to have at the funeral? (I will post the most likely outcome below).

So, I beseech all of my music-daft friends here to take action, to document the very specific details of what music you want- “Kashmir, Page & Plant at the SECC Glasgow as the intro” – lest you end up with ‘Angels – Robbie Williams’ – “well, it seems pretty popular for cremations these days.” ‘

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Comments

  1. We are most likely going with : David Bowie – Starman, Elvis Presley – Young & Beautiful, and Frank Sinatra – New York, New York. I could make a 3 hour long playlist of “BELTERS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE” – immediate braindump of candidates – Sam & Dave Soul Man, Chico Hamilton The Dealer, Millie Jackson If Loving You Is Wrong, T Rex 20th Century Boy, Staples Singers Respect Yourself, Carolyn Franklin The Boxer, Elvis Suspicious Minds, Willie Nelson Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond Of Each Other, Etta James Tell Mama, Louis Prima Just a Gigolo, The Hollies Bus Stop

    • A spur of the moment reaction to the OP.
      Of course, my sympathies to you for your loss – the infinite memories and what might have been as you age together. Hard to take and I imagine eased somewhat by sweet, sweet music.

      In fact, I wouldn’t have any music, as the Quaker memorial service is the regular hour of silent worship, except with something of a focus on the deceased. Any person present may stand and speak, prepared or unprepared. It can be extraordinarily moving.

    • I thought I must be the only person in the World who would choose this song!
      I still play it regularly and, when I do, it immediately takes me back to my 10 year old self, growing up with my mum and dad in Gerrans (on the Roseland Peninsula) Very difficult to explain how I like it so much but certainly this one song will see me off. Not yet I hope though.

  8. So sorry to hear that.

    I would quite like Enjoy the Silence by Depeche Mode and Atmosphere by Joy Division.
    It’ll probably be Just Can’t Enough and Atmosphere by Russ Abbott, which will be fine by me cos I’m dead.

  11. I wrote my will a couple of weeks ago and specified no funeral be held. If people who knew me wish to hold some other kind of gathering that’s up to them, but I’ve always hated being the centre of attention and don’t see why being dead should change that. This is of course becoming much more common. Me, my sister, my partner, my mother (currently elderly and in failing health) … basically no one I know well enough to ask wants a funeral to be held for them.

    (Edit but if I ever change my mind and my will I’d like people to file out to Guy Clark’s Some Misunderstanding.)

    • My ex also insisted on no funeral. (cancer)
      On the other hand my other ex’s funeral was a cathartic experience for us (suicide) and a chance to try and console her husband.

      My sympathies to you for your loss.

  12. Very sorry to hear to hear about your loss @el hombre malo. It must be a very difficult time for you, your pals and your friend’s family.

    I went to a funeral last week of the wife of a very old friend at the enormous Engelbrekts Church.

    He and her family had some plans about the music they wanted to play (includung a song by Nick Cave) but the church told him they did not permit pre-recorded music. When I heard about this, I thought it was a rather mean-spirited policy. But, on the day, in the context of the very traditional Christian service which the family wanted, it was absolutely the right decision.

    I was a tad nervous about attending the funeral as I was sure I would not know one single person who would be there. I got that wrong.

    I walked into the ginormous church and there was the priest welcoming the mourners. She shook my hand and said “I know you”. Suddenly I felt very nervous. “Midsummer Eve Party, Ortala Lund.”

    It was my friend Helena’s niece, Elin. The last time I’d met her she been doing the full Wickerman thing, dancing round a maypole with flowers in her hair. And now in 2024, here she is, doing a marvelous job as a priest in the Church of Sweden.

    Ooops! A slight diversion there.

    Music for my funeral?

    Imperiet’s version of this 200 year old song by Bellman.

  13. I’ve been to too many funerals where they play “shine on you crazy diamond”. I currently fancy starting with the Robert Wyatt version of “At last I am free”, and closing with either “walk between the raindrops” by Donald Fagen, or “Let’s eat real soon” by Hatfield and the North.

    I will let junior make a playlist from my music for the wake. I plan that all my books, cds, and dvds will be put out, and folk help themselves. You’re all invited, though I don’t know the date.

    I will probably call this “share it” – another Hatfields moment.

  14. I have a shortlist of staples to draw on, or ask to be drawn upon. Mainly melancholic instrumentals with some sort of bagpipe or pedal steel. Maybe a keening Gaelic vocal or the cracked tones of a Stipe or Gabriel.
    This’d do:

  15. f I go blind, still have my sense of touch
    I’ll just feel your body that much better
    If I go deaf, I’ll blame Leo Fender
    Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls
    I can’t hear it ringing
    I’m gonna go down swinging

  16. Sorry for your loss Tom. I would say those three songs sound excellent.

    I was at a friends dads funeral a few years ago and he was a big Andy Williams fan. They played this. It was emotional.

  17. I’m sorry for your loss, Tom.

    My gig buddy had bowel cancer over lockdown and we’re off to see Tape Runs Out tonight. I’m since come to appreciate our time together much more than just another night watching a band in a pub.

    I did the music for my stepdad’s cremation and he went through the curtains to Days by the Kinks. Trouble is, whenever I hear it now I have a moment. I was in a shop last week when it came on the radio, and I had to go outside for some fresh air.

    • When my Dad died I used a couple of lines from Tank Park Salute by Billy Bragg in the eulogy. 11 years later I have listened to it once and it was a hard listen. It’s remarkable how a perception of a song and the emotional reaction can change. I love Tank Park Salute (always have) but I can’t listen to it now.).

  18. Back to the OP, I won’t be there and Mrs F will (finally) have control of the decks. I suspect it will be this tune, written by my tall pal and sung here by “Miss”. It was the first dance at my wedding to Mrs F (my secret non-dull talent is that I can ballroom dance). We’ve actually waltzed to this at gigs.

    Eddi Reader – Wings On My Heels

  19. I always rather fancied “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” as a jokey one, cos it’s fairly apt.

    Maybe “Tonight We Fly” by the Divine Comedy, particularly for the lines

    “…and when we die, will we be that disappointed or sad?
    if heaven doesn’t exist, what will we have missed?
    This life is the best we’ve ever had.”

    “Do You Realize” by the Flaming Lips is another one that would work, but it’s a bit too on the nose.

  20. I have given a lot of thought to this over the years and my current choices would be:

    Neil Young – Four strong winds (I know it’s not hissong but his version is the best)
    The Webb Sisters – If it be your will (The version on Leonard Cohens Live in London)
    Lucinda Williams – Sweet old world

    Other options could be
    Leonard Cohen – Hey that’s no way to say goodbye
    ELO – Mr Blue Sky (BCFC theme song)

  21. Sadly I think a lot of us on here are reaching the time of life where this happening more and more frequently.
    I want to go out to All The Young Dudes, but if you want everyone in bits rather than something uplifting then how about Roy Harper’s When an old cricketer leaves the pitch.

  23. Well, I won’t be there, so it doesn’t matter. Listen to as much music as you can. Don’t take it too seriously, don’t take ANYTHING too seriously.

    In that spirit, I feel that the Match of the Day theme would be very, very funny for the coffin going into the curtains.

    Slightly more seriously, something like Good Day Sunshine would be nice, I wouldn’t want people to be all that sad anyway.

    • Are the curtains a thing any more? I asked because at the least two funerals I attended, my own father at a crematorium in north Wales and The Light’s father at another crematorium in Essex, both in 2022, the coffin remained in place as the mourners filed out. I preferred this to the theatrical rolling backwards or down out of sight, and it allowed those present to touch the coffin, or bow, cross themselves or show some other mark of respect.

      • @Gatz I was at a funeral two weeks ago and the coffin remained in place without any curtains – apparently it is a choice offered to families.
        Re Sweet Old World – Wasn’t aware it was specifically about suicide but rereading the lyrics I guess it could be. I always felt the lyrics were uplifting personally – ah well still won’t stop me requesting it. If not allowed then Side of the road by Lucinda which is just as good.

        I know someone who had the Laughing gnome – ironically in life she was so serious.

  24. I think I’ll have Carla Bley’s “Lawns” for mine. Specifically the version from her “Sextet” album with Larry Willis playing piano and Carla playing organ.

    Unless I decide to have no funeral but a party instead ..

  26. Firstly, my condolences @el-hombre.

    Being of an age when these things are being considered, this was a topic with a couple of old mates recently, so it did get me thinking. At the moment…

    Carried in to Handle With Care
    Turn Turn Turn by the Byrds for the reflective song
    Meet on the Ledge by Fairport near the end of the palaver
    As the box disappears – Goodbyee by Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

  27. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, compadre. When it’s one of our peer group, that is both a shock and liable to make us think of our own mortality.

    As regards funeral music, I have it written on a post-it stuck to the will:

    In: Jackie Leven – Working Alone/A Blessing

    Middle: Michael Marra – The Fold

    Out: Kate Bush – Sunset

    The Kate Bush speeds up in the middle, which I like to think will lend the proceedings a New Orleans vibe.

  33. I’ve given this a lot of thought.

    First a triumphant opener The Big Music by the Waterboys my favourite song about death.

    Halfway through In My Life – Roddy Frame’s beautiful version. There wont be a dry eye in the house.

    And at the end Someone Up There Likes You by Simple Minds. Apart from the suitability of the title, a private joke that some of my friends will get. When this came on at music venues in Dublin in the 80s, you knew the gig was over.

    …and for the radio announcement The Last Will and Testament by Jake Thackray.

  34. Thank you all for the kind words.

    There are two main things that I would like people to take away. Your friends, family, and other loved ones won’t be with you forever, so make the most of them while they are here. He and I did
    a pretty good job of that.

    And, if you have strong opinions on music (which I believe most people here do have), please write down and share the music instructions for your funeral – especially if the people making the arrangements for you might not know exactly how you want to be signed off.

    This evening I will be listening to Sinatra with a damp eye, sipping a small Makers’ Mark (his bourbon of choice), and revising the speech that I am honoured to be making on the day.

  35. Sorry, Tom, for the loss of your friend. As Suggs so sagely said: “You can’t make new old friends.”

    My late friend Nick’s reply, when asked the same question 18 years ago, as he was nearing the end of his terminal lung cancer journey, was “I don’t care – I won’t be there.”

    We went with some music he’d written and recorded himself.

    As for me, I’m leaning towards my Dad’s choice – which was of course respected – of not having a funeral at all, just a simple unattended cremation.

  36. I went to my next door neighbour (and friend)’s funeral today. She had Les Fleurs by Minnie Ripperton at the start and Downtown Train by Tom Waits at the end. Lovely choices – I was in bits to be honest.

        • Keep is a great choice – last song he ever sang. Heartbreaking to see him struggling for breath as he sang on the VH1 special

          Jesus Mentioned is another goodie. As is Let Not Us Get Old

          If I had to choose only one song it would be this

    • Religion is not a consideration for many of the current and next generations to have funerals, which is not to say that state of affairs will be permanent. Both the 2022 funerals I mention above were led by vicars. For a decade or so before the couple of funerals I had attended were humanist affairs.

      The choice of a religious ceremony came as a surprise in the case of The Light’s father. He had never been known to express a religious sentiment in his life. Her brother organised it, and we have no idea if the choice was by her father’s instruction or because he had a funeral plan and her brother decided they might as well have all the extras. There was a very ancient and rather moving prayer at the end, which I suspect was the vicar’s own favourite for such occasions, but the closest thing to a hymn was The Lord of the Dance. It’s a weird song, but the message of triumph over death comes through and old Laurie did love a dance.

      My own father was a church organist and church going Christian until the Alzheimer’s removed those along with other aspects of his personality (though he was perfectly content). My sister chose the hymns for his service and I’m sure he would have approved of the choices. As usual it’s better for everyone if the non religious observe the form and stand up/sit down or say ‘Amen’ as directed. A consistent theme of this thread is the desirability of going along with things as the deceased would have wished.

      • Well I’m not religious, but I’d prefer it if other people were. Sounds ridiculous though there was a time when it seemed that I was pushed in that direction; and those people doing the pushing, they aren’t around anymore. So if it’s to be a secular funeral song, would be Across the Bridge Van Morrison.

        • The most devastating “song” I have witnessed at a funeral is Abide With Me at my grandfather’s. He loved rugby league, took me to my first matches, and when he was older I took him with a gang of my mates to away games. Of course, we went to Wembley and Abide With Me is always sung at the final.

          Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
          The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
          When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
          Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.

          Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
          Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
          Change and decay in all around I see—
          O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

          I need Thy presence every passing hour;
          What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
          Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
          Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

          I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
          Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
          Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
          I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

          Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
          Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
          Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
          In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

          • Beautiful Lyrics. Abide With Me evokes memories for me of being made to sing it at school. I guess as a child five verses would have tested my patience.

  40. Can’t answer for myself just yet but I organised my dad’s funeral just over a month ago. He was ninety so sad but not unexpected.

    His choices:
    sempre Libera from La Traviata, Joan Sutherland recording.
    Vissa D’Arte from Tosca, Joan Sutherland
    Bach, Cello suite No 1 in G major, Prelude, Steven Isserlis
    At the Jazz Band Ball – Bix Biederbecke

    These were for
    Entry
    Reflection
    Commital
    Exit

    We had a very good celebrant who worked with me and my brother and mum to get the order right. My top tip for organising a secular funeral: get a good celebrant who will listen and advise, but will understand and let you know what the constraints are.

    It was at Macclesfield Crematorium, and I resisted the temptation to wander over and look at the Ian Curtis memorial stone which is in the grounds.

    • That was played by a single bagpipe live in the church at my friend’s funeral, the family walking in behind the piper, her husband with their young son on his shoulders walking first.
      That really broke everybody; the melody, the mournful sound of the bagpipes, the bewildered look on the little boy’s face…the whole church was sobbing.
      Gives me the chills just thinking about it, and every time I hear Amazing Grace now.

      • Sorry if that was triggering. We played it at my mother’s funeral- Judith Durham from the Seekers accapella.
        When teaching in Zimbabwe the high school students sang it every Monday with a wonderful swing to it. But truth be told the melody is so sublime it can thrive in any manner of interpretations.

  42. Sorry for your loss.

    I’ve lost three friends, two of them much too early and tragic, the third at least got to enjoy her retirement for a decade before falling ill. All funerals were in church and had some interesting choices when it came to the music. In the case of two of them it was clearly their own choices, in the case of my older friend it seemed as if her daqughter had made the choices, as the service had several cheesy songs about, and to, mothers; all awful.
    But what ruined that service was a vicar that clearly didn’t know her, hadn’t bothered to find out much about her, and gave the most generic eulogy I’ve ever had the misfortune to hear – it was so bland and false and pointless that he probably could reuse it for a bunch of other people, in his future funeral service career, he didn’t feel like doing research on either. Disgraceful.

    I’ve only been to one family funeral (my dad’s second wife) so far, thankfully. But having parents aged 97 (going on 98) and soon to be 93, I’m constantly nervous about getting that phone call…
    Mum wants something from Misa Criolla to be played, I don’t think dad has made any requests, but having been a classical musician all of his life, there’s plenty to choose from.
    Dad’s (second) wife had asked my half-sister to play a piece on the violin at the funeral, which she somehow managed to do. I still don’t think it’s fair to ask that of someone!

    I used to have a list, much revised over the years, but don’t know where it is now. All I know for sure is that I want “Run of the Mill” by George Harrison to be played at some point, because it’s my favourite song of all time. I’ve never quite been able to make much sense of what it’s actually about, so it could be wildly inappropriate without me knowing…I may have to look up the lyrics first! 😀

    But having left the church officially a couple of decades ago, my funeral service won’t be in a church – but reading this thread I just realised that I’ve no idea how a non-church funeral works! I’ve never been to one, though they ought to become more and more common these days, considering how many Swedes have left the church in the past decades.
    I presume that you can pretty much design it to be anything you want it to be, and take place anywhere? (The burial is still the church’s responsibility BC of the burial tax…so that part’s sorted)

    I think I’d advice everyone to go out for a good meal to celebrate me – money for that set aside in the will, of course – and that would be it as far as ceremonies go. Perhaps leave a Spotify list of tracks to remember me by? I doubt that I’ll be survived by many of my family since I’m the runt of the litter, just my two half-sisters and my older brother at a guess, and then a few nieces and nephews. Unless my autoimmune disease gets worse, or other illnesses show up to speed up the final stretch of the journey towards the dead end of it all.
    I hope I get to be very old, but I’m not counting on it. As long as I’ve had the time and energy to get to finish up a few unfinished projects of mine, I’m sure I’ll be quite OK with everything ending. And funerals are for the ones left behind, not for you. A catharsis (hopefully…)

  43. this one says a few things I probably will never be able to say before I shuffle off but it’s a bit down (what the hell, it’s a funeral) so the XTC is what I want to bow out with and is pure joy

  44. ‘Tottenham, Tottenham, No One Can Stop Them, We’re Gonna Do It Like We Did Last Year’, alongside a video installation of Jimmy Hill stroking his chin and saying ‘Jimmmeee, Reck-on’.

  45. I am sorry for your loss.

    I have a note attached to my will to say I want Steely Dan’s version of East St Louis Toodle-oo played when I go. If the timing is right then the gong should sound as the curtain closes.

    I was very tempted to insist on VDGG’s A Plague of Lighthouse Keepers being played in full but can imagine the fidgeting and bemused looks, not least from my beloved wife who, I can guarantee, has never heard of them/it.

    I would also very much like Jim Croce’s Time in a Bottle to be played, not only because it is one of the nicest songs I know of, but it also expresses the wish that, sadly, there is never going to be enough time to achieve everything I would like to do.

  46. My memory is going … but I recall someone on the old Word podcast (“Eamonn Forde, maybe”), who saw his funeral as a final opportunity to inflict ones musical opinion on what is basically a captive audience….. “Give ‘This Is What You Want… This Is What You Get’ from P.I.L another go. Its not that bad”

    In all seriousness it would be very important to me that I go out to the happiest tune I can think of as the thought of all my family friends being miserable is very upsetting.

    Two candidates will be “Easter Theatre” by XTC, which seems relevant with themes of rebirth and all that, and as the massive crowd leave the crem – this to send them on their way.

  49. My GLW already knows the playlist for me.
    Into my arms by Nick Cave,
    Teenage Kicks by the Undertones,
    You’ll never walk alone
    and when I am good and gone, Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks (because I wished never ever to hear it again in my lifetime).

    For her memorial (body to medical science) it will probably be Flower of Scotland (even if she has spent half her life in England).

  50. I’d definitely like Mingling With Mourners by John Shuttleworth at mine. Includes the brilliant line ‘Bill had an allotment, which to him a lot meant’.

  53. Today was the day. His wife asked me to talk about his love of music, and our friendship, and another of his close friends, to talk about his career. Both of us were honoured to be asked, and did our best to share the joy that he brought to the world.

    A lot of laughs, some tears, and a life that was both well-lived and righteously celebrated.

    The music selected was :

    Gathering – Starman, David Bowie

    Entry – L.O.V.E. (Love), Al Green

    Commital – Love Me Tender, Elvis Presley

    Reflection – Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, Nina Simone

    Exit – Fly Me To The Moon, Frank Sinatra with Count Basie &Tell It Like It Is – Etta James.

  54. It is indeed a privilege to know good people and we should try to keep that in mind.
    There are some right c***s in this world, but they are in a minority. Most people are good people, given the opportunity to shine.

  56. Don’t laugh, but at the funeral of a friend’s Mum (who was a piano player) a few years ago, as the family hoisted the coffin on to their shoulders to take it out of the church, this started up. ‘Twas not a dry eye etc

  57. Can I just say that the toughest gig ever is singing at your own mother’s funeral. The Water of Tyne was a song that she taught to me. To this day, the only other version I can listen to is that by the Fabulous Mr (Bob) Fox.

    • No way I’d be able to do it. My dad left a poem to read and I gave it a try in my bedroom and failed 6 out of 6 times so I got my cousin, a vicar, to do it and he knocked it out of the park.

      Death is nothing at all.
      It does not count.
      I have only slipped away into the next room.
      Nothing has happened.

      Everything remains exactly as it was.
      I am I, and you are you,
      and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
      Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

      Call me by the old familiar name.
      Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
      Put no difference into your tone.
      Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

      Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
      Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
      Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
      Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

      Life means all that it ever meant.
      It is the same as it ever was.
      There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
      What is this death but a negligible accident?

      Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
      I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
      somewhere very near,
      just round the corner.

      Henry Scott-Holland. “Death Is Nothing At All.” Family Friend Poems, https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland

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