I don’t want to hear from car drivers about how annoying cyclists are or from cyclists about how annoying car drivers are or from car drivers about how annoying other car drivers are who hog the middle lane, or drive too close up your arse, etc. We’ve done all that before and we know where we stand.
I’ve got a couple of new ones.
[a] Those pricks on motorcycles who look like they’re Biker-Bill until they get up close and you see that their high-vis vest actually says “POLITE” and not “POLICE”. Surely they should be done for trying to impersonate an Officer of the Lerr.
[b] These new Lidl supermarkets that have about 20 spaces in their car parks when they need about 100, causing lines of waiting vehicles on access roads and consequent delays to through traffic. I blame the local authority for giving them planning permission.
You have any current motoring gripes?
Oh yeah. [c] The Kingston F***ing Bypass.
DogFacedBoy says
To quote Alan Partridge when he was asked what annoyed him ‘ Just people. I just hate the general public’
Fin59 says
Sartre?
madfox says
“L’enfer c’est les autres.”
ivylander says
Or, as George Jean Nathan once put it, ‘I drink to make other people more interesting’….
Malc says
Some people don’t know how to walk on the pavement these days, as our Nigel knows only too well…
Vulpes Vulpes says
Those high-vis vests serve to make car and truck drivers put their brains in gear before they behave like arse-wipes in the presence of other road users who are less likely to survive a shuffle. Same applies to horse riders wearing those fetchingly be-squared vests and hats that look strikingly similar to ones plod wears when on horseback. If self-preservation is the reaction that makes people slow down a little and pay more attention, you can hardly complain when it’s a desire for the same self-preservation that is the reason people wear them in the first place. No one should need to wear them, but the evidence bears out the advantage of doing so. If other road users don’t like it they can get stuffed, or possibly find another way to induce the same behavioural improvements.
Twang says
You saved me some typing VV.
madfox says
I don’t object to the high-vis jacket, obviously. I’d have to be an idiot to do that. Why wouldn’t a very vulnerable road user make themselves more obvious to fellow motorists? I have to wear high-vis myself as a delivery driver hopping in and out of a van two days a week.
No, it’s attempting to pass yourself off as a police officer that annoys me, with the word “POLITE” in large caps and the word “notice” below it in small lettering, along with the black and white chequered bands – quite blatantly trying to me other road users think they are police. It’s quite pathetic. Moreover, the last person I saw thus-garbed proceeded to rise up the arse of a double-decker bus, in its blind spot, for a quarter of a mile before overtaking it by squeezing between it and car and going through a red traffic light at the same time.
madfox says
“…to make other road users think…”
Vulpes Vulpes says
You seem to have missed my point.
madfox says
Er, no, my fellow fox, you seem to have missed mine. You are entirely correct that people need to wear high-vis. I was criticising those who wear high-vis decorated with police-style chequered bands and a big sign in police-style font saying “POLITE”. It should be enough to wear high-vis.
Vulpes Vulpes says
But it isn’t. Unless it also makes you look sufficiently like plod to cause the oncoming neanderthal to pause. That’s my point.
madfox says
In that case, I’ll paint my car white, with some red and dayglo yellow and chequerboard in all the right places, with the word POLITE in big letters, so that the nasty skip lorries and recovery vehicles and white vans treat me with more respect.
;-}
I’ll just reiterate, surely the idea should be to get seen – not to get seen as police, which they are not.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Not the point I’m making.
The point is that, although it *should* be enough to make oneself visible, it often isn’t.
One is obliged to make oneself look like a rozzer in order for the visibility to have an effect.
This is of course precisely because the observer, in far too many cases, is a numb-nuts oxygen-thief for whom the mere visibility of another road user is insufficient to penetrate the density of their frontal lobes to the extent that they react accordingly.
Unless there is a clearly perceived risk of personal detriment to the observer, the hi-visibility has no effect.
Which is why it is accurate to describe these primordial life-forms as selfish, as well as ignorant, and by extension to describe the wearing of such apparel as an act of simple self-preservation, and nothing for anyone else to legitimately object to.
What people *should* be objecting to is having to share the road with the sort of moron who has brought this situation to pass in the first place.
Kapish?
madfox says
Oh dear.
I guess so.
Mike_H says
Rubbish.
Fintinlimbim says
There are two types of driver on the road. Morons who drive slower than me and lunatics who drive faster than me.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Haven’t seen too many of the former round these parts. Plenty of the latter. Drive through our village at 30 mph and by the time you exit at the other end you’ll have a longer tailback behind you than the first arrival at Glastonbury.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Planning authorities are invariably composed of fools, frustrated little Hitlers and those with large back pockets implementing poor laws via antiquated powers and a shocking lack of any room to manouvre with common sense. The large back pockets are easily stuffed by those applying to build retail outlets or any other profitable development with a simultaneous desire not to have to supply suitable infrastructure.
Smudger says
From a local authority planning officer, thanks very much.
By the way, you’re wrong, with the possible exception of the ‘implementing poor laws’ bit. However, if we don’t implement the law, good or bad, we get screwed on appeal or through judicial review, although those processes can occasionally lead to the laws being reviewed and possibly changed.
Vulpes Vulpes says
No personal insult intended!
But only “possible”????
Two doors away in a cul-de-sac with 21 houses. Bloke buys house nect door and almost immediately sells garden to son who is propoerty developer, who promptly puts in application to build a 3 bedroomed house on said garden. Out of 20 other properties, more than 15 make formal objections on a number of grounds. Because no buidling regs are to be broken, and no specific law exists that can be identified as likely to be broken, permission is granted full in the face of overwhelming local (and I mean within YARDS) objections. Bloke tells planners he is intending to move into house with his kids, broken home blah de blah. Everyone knows this is cobblers (we’d never seen him or them before and they have no connection with the village at all). Needless to say, upon completion of the build the house is on the open market and the bloke who bought the original house sells the property on, sans garden. The two of them fuck off with around 60 grand in profit, leaving the incumbents all pissed off and having to put up with the loss of amenity, loss of light, loss of privacy, overloaded drains, additional car parking (in a cul-de-sac) and all the other things they objected about. How can anyone in local planning expect to be seen as anything other than all the things I mentioned above when that pattern is repeated across the country ad nauseam?
Vulpes Vulpes says
[d] Those pricks in cars and vans who drive everywhere with no attention or appreciation of the prevailing speed limit, or even why it exists.
madfox says
Yes, indeed. As van-driving brings in part of my income, I would be putting my [small] livelihood at risk if I broke the speed limit. But I don’t break the speed limit anyway, even as a private motorist, because it’s there for a reason.
johnw says
The one’s that especially annoy me are those that drive at 40mph everywhere. You sit behind them in a 60 limit, they zoom away when it drops to 30 on the one stretch of road where it’s safe to overtake then you catch them up again at the next 60 stretch…. then a tractor pulls out of a turning that you would have been well past if you’d been able to go everywhere at the posted limits.
Vulpes Vulpes says
This from Snopes:
Contrary to popular belief, the “posted limits” on speed limit signs do NOT signify the average speed one should use when calculating the length of time a journey will take. They actually represent the maximum permissible speed on that road under fully optimum conditions.
It is therefore logically impossible to “go everywhere at the posted limits”.
Fintinlimbim says
I drive a lot of miles and have developed a “whatever” (as the young folks say) attitude to what other road users do, but one thing that irritates me profoundly is when I have the good grace to let someone into a queue of traffic, they don’t give a wave of thanks.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Where I’ve been working these last several months there is a huge car park outside the office. There are about 1500 cars in there every day – it’s rammed full. When it comes to the end of the working day there is an unspoken rule as people filter out through the various lanes to the exit – let someone in in front of you at each junction, and someone will do the same for you as you approach a junction. Everything flows – the car park empties quickly and no-one gets steamed up waiting to be let out. Just occasionally, a new starter doesn’t play by the rules, and pushes ahead to the exclusion of the next person to join from the side. It is very obvious when this happens, and usually the person behind them will smile, shrug and roll their eyes to the person who has been snubbed as they let them out instead. It’s a clear model for cooperative behaviour that is easily spoiled by the selfish few. To my mind it serves as a model for a lot of things. All we need is a mechanism to stop the selfish impatient pricks from spoiling things for everyone else and the world would be a much better place.
bungliemutt says
Ah yes, selfish impatient pricks, the worst offenders being motorcyclists who hang on your tail, and as soon as there is a fragment of space roar past you only to pull up sharply in front of you in a gap that didn’t exist, causing you to brake sharply and make subliminal wanker gestures with your free hand.
Twang says
Bastards|! Overtaking you! You should drive into the back of them. That’d learn ’em.
bungliemutt says
A few years ago I had an encounter with a biker in the fast lane of the motorway. He roared up behind me easily doing a ton, and because I didn’t get out of his way quickly enough he proceeded to terrorise me and Mrs B for the next 2 to 3 miles – weaving in and out, pulling up short so that I had to brake, preventing me from changing lanes or getting away from him. Mrs B had the presence of mind to phone the police, but I can only describe his behaviour as suicidal and utterly reckless, putting his own life and ours at considerable risk. There are plenty of similar inconsiderate bikers round our way, including those that think it is completely acceptable to roar away doing 60, 70 or more in a 30 limit. There may well be plenty of sensible and considerate motorcyclists, but in my 35 years of driving I have to say I have seen precious little evidence of them.
madfox says
I’m with you, Mr Mutt. The problem here, I think, is that we have a bunch of people arguing the case for proper, sensible, grown-up motorcyclists, whereas we are complaining about the wanker ones – and there are plenty of them out there. Just like there are plenty of wanker car drivers. I’ve done some pretty stupid things in a car myself, but hopefully I’ve learnt from them.
Twang, you have a sarcastic little pop, but Mutt is not complaining about the overtaking – it’s the nature of the overtaking: sitting in your blind spot, up your arse, then squeezing dangerously past you and into a tight space in front of you. You can’t defend that.
Twang says
Well it was a tongue in cheek affectionate little pop really, but I have honestly never had a biker do that, and I have done some serious mileage (in the car) in the last 3 years. I have, on a number of occasions on my bike, had dickhead drivers try to block my way in slow traffic on the basis that if they can’t move, nor can anyone else. What drivers (and I happily generalise) forget is that bikers, as a fairly reliable rule, don’t do stupid shit because if you have even a minor altercation the chances are you’ll be seriously hurt. A female friend of mine was sitting stationary at a junction and someone drove straight into her from behind. He “didn’t see her”. She never got over it and doesn’t ride a bike any more. Now you can’t legislate for idiots but the working assumption that bikers go out to wind up car drivers and fool about is completely wrong. I think everyone should have to do a bike CBT as part of the driving test TBH, just to wake them up. People think the big danger biking is falling off, but it isn’t – it’s car drivers.
madfox says
Fair enough, Twang. I’ve never been on a mo’bike, so I shall defer to your own experience. :-}
Mike_H says
Mostly I do. Sometimes I forget. I’m not perfect and neither are you, I suspect. If I forget and you get narked, I don’t really care very much anymore.
Personally, it doesn’t bother me if people don’t thank me for doing them a favour.
Bargepole says
Drivers who swing out to the middle of the road as a precursor to turning left – you’re in a small hatchback not an articulated lorry.
Drivers who abuse disabled parking spaces – no-one was using it and i’m only going to be a few minutes.
Harry Tufnell says
Another aspect of turning left etiquette, the rsoles who almost stop before turning left into a wide, clearly visible, unobstructed left turn from a busy road.
Dave Ross says
It’s an old classic but the mobile phone using, make up applying, nose picking goons who think driving is an inconvenience to what they REALLY need to be going.
Junglejim says
When I cycled every day across London a number of years ago, physical confrontations were an occupational hazard. I was indeed one of those chippy bastards more than willing to snarl, spit & punch on occasion – the enemies were invariably XR3is, Beemers & seemingly myopic Volvos.
I’m totally mellow on my Vespa these days, don’t cycle or live in London, & XR3is are extinct. The other villains are the same but what nobody has yet mentioned are PHONES, PHONES, PHONES!
For a while their use started to taper off, until the smartphone emerged & now every other person seems to feel the need to tap away almost constantly, just below the dashboard level. The body language is unmistakable, eyes flicking up & down constantly as they get closer to ploughing into you from behind Utter scum. I’d feel safer if they were nursing pints.
madfox says
The urge to use a mobile phone has become ubiquitous. Clearly, while driving a motor vehicle is the most dangerous scenario, but also walking along the pavement, getting on or off a train, sitting at the dinner table or watching the TV can also be hazardous or just plain rude. Put the fucking phone down.
Jim Cain says
I don’t know about that. I’m a very heavy smartphone user, but the one time I don’t go near my phone is when I’m driving. You can call me rude, but I don’t recklessly endanger lives.
madfox says
I’m calling you rude, Jim. Not dangerous, though.
(wink emoticon)
Sewer Robot says
Thanks for the reminder dude – I’d forgotten to lower the landing gear..
Black Celebration says
Just as a little ray of sunshine – when I come back to the UK for occasional visits (once every few years), I am always struck by the relative politeness of road users compared to NZ. Generally speaking, Kiwis are more relaxed as people – but something bad happens when behind the wheel.
mikethep says
Was going to say the same about Aussies. Nicest people you could hope to meet until they get into a car – more particularly, into a ute.
Sniffity says
Come down to Adelaide some time – we are apparently the worst of the worst.
Sitheref2409 says
My Dad is adamant that driving here in the States is a far more enjoyable experience than in the UK. More room and more courteous drivers. Everyone comes to a stop, and go on their turn, in the order in which they arrived. Never had a problem at all.
johnw says
I wouldn’t agree that US drivers are more courteous but they’re certainly more law abiding which is why they stop when it says stop and (generally) you know what speed they’re doing. I think the most courteous drivers I come across are in London (yes, I know there are lots of arrogant shits there too) because most people seem to realise that if everyone just looked after no 1, nobody would get anywhere.
chiz says
I recently spent a week driving in Italy. I’ve also driven quite a bit in Spain, France, The States, New Zealand and (on a bike) Vietnam and Cambodia. All of them scared the shit out of me at first – there seemed to be so many aggressive drivers. But after a while you adapt to local norms and you realise it’s not aggression, it’s habit, and you and your hesitation are what’s causing the issue. As soon as you start driving like them, it’s fine. It makes perfect sense – that woman on the pavement will step out without looking, that driver will sit on your rear bumper to show you he’d like to go past. England, I suspect, is the only nation where people pootle around deliberately looking for fault in other drivers.
Poppy Succeeds says
What is it about BMWs that brings out the wanker in a person? Of course not all BMWs — my very-nice neighbour has one — but they do seem to account for a lot of the road’s tossers.
Chimney Singing Crow says
I have spent far too much time thinking about BMW drivers. I live in the countryside and have a short drive to the train station in the morning. Most days, there is someone driving ridiculously fast through the villages – past schools and areas where there are kids walking to school. Whenever there is someone driving like an asshole in my rear view, at least seven times out of ten it is a BMV driver. My wife joined a speedwatch group and regularly clocked BMWs going through the village at 55mph and above at school drop off time. While jogging around where I live I have nearly been taken out about four or five times – all by BMW drivers.
I have two theories. One is they are immensely powerful cars and maybe the drivers aren’t in full control or are overwhelmed and lose the ability/ will to exercise full restraint. The other is that they are an ‘I’ve made it’ sort of car which give people a middle management syndrome and think they are entitled to behave differently to other road users – that they are somehow better and above the rules.
Either way, after being overtaken by a BMW driver in a built up area at school time while I was going at 30mph (!), I was intrigued to notice that when I got to the train station (about a minute and a half after the clearly in a rush BMW driver), he hopped out and got in the coffee queue. I went up and approached him – pleasantly – asking why he overtook me when I was at the speed limit. He became angry and kept saying “I am not interested in talking about it”.
I was, however, and I did. With him pointedly ignoring me while I stood next to him in the queue explaining exactly what a massive bellend he was.
Mike_H says
Actually, as an every day North London urban driver who’s clocked up 56,000 miles over the last 18 months driving a speed-limited van, I find Audi drivers are far worse. Audi A4s and A6s are the most aggressively-driven cars on North London’s roads, I think.
Almost Simon says
Purely and simply……………….roundabouts.
I live in a town with many of them. The main problem. people in front feeling they need to slow down/stop at EVERY roundabout, as if its a stop sign. Its not, you don’t need to stop, you keep going UNLESS there is something coming from the right. Get the message!!
Next, mini roundabouts.
In our town they’re a pain. If you dare to “ignore” someone coming from the right, even if there’s plenty of time for you to get passed without causing them any issues or making them have to slow down, they will turn early, cut over the mini roundabout, sound their horn and give you the finger for daring to drive in front of them. The only cure is to make them higher, put flowers in them so it will cause damage to any idiot’s car trying to drive over them if you ever dare to show them there is plenty of time for you to get passed before they turn.
Lando Cakes says
Big shout out to the van driver who decided to enliven my commute by throwing open his door and taking off my wing mirror.
Jim Cain says
I presume it was your left wing mirror?
Lando Cakes says
Yup. He was remorseful and offered to pay. And then got belligerent and didn’t. As it turned out, my insurance excess, regardless of blame, is more than the cost of a new mirror. I’ll stop thinking about it now.
Moose the Mooche says
The right wing mirror would never break off. It’s too hard.
davebigpicture says
Obviously, driving is very stressful these days and journey times have got noticeably longer in the last couple of years to the point where I have to allow 3 hours or more to get from the south coast to central London, a distance of around 70 miles. I raised this at the old, old place but I really believe that some kind of road pricing is needed to cut the volume of traffic. The M25 is completely jammed around the southern section at all times of day and night, purely because of the number of vehicles using it. This is not helped by the poor lane discipline of drivers, especially around the M3/M4 junctions.
Back to the OP. Urban 4 x 4s or similar that clog the roads around schools at school run time.
Mike_H says
45 minutes from Watford to Wokingham using the M25/M4 on Wednesday, starting out at roughly 7pm.
I find the M25 is far, far better since they introduced the variable speed limits around the M40/M4/M3 area. As long as people take notice of them, anyway. And many more people seem to now.
Obviously, unless you -really- have no other option, driving on the M25 between 7am and 9am any day of the week in this area is purely for particularly twisted masochists.
Moose the Mooche says
Jesus, this thread makes me glad I don’t drive.
You people are so angry.
davebigpicture says
You’re right Moose. I plan to give up driving when I retire. I hate it.
Jim Cain says
I used to be a bit of a petrolhead, but I’ve changed my ways. I find having a car handy for visiting relatives in the countryside with the kids, but I cycle everywhere else.
Motoring is virtually a national mental illness.
Moose the Mooche says
It scares me how it turns the most placid individual into a foaming psychopath. I would be as bad if not worse, being a grumpy misanthrope at the best of times.
Skirky says
I think probably, on balance, it’s the folk who believe that turning on their hazard lights gives them carte blanche to stop anywhere, no matter how inconvenient and/or dangerous for the rest of us. In an almost perfect storm of outrage I recently saw a gentleman pull over to the nearside lane of a roundabout on the A14 so that he could make a call. It’s alright though – he turned his hazard lights on.
At the bottom of our road there is a chip shop directly opposite a feeder junction, with a row of bus stops (and a marked bus lane), three pedestrian crossings and a confluence of rush hour traffic. There is also a car park within (literally) a stone’s throw, so where do you think people pull up to pop in and get their chips? For added indignation occasionally people get a taxi…
Still, it’s a matter of perspective really, I suppose. My Mother-in-Law describes cyclists in exactly the same terms as I do Audi drivers. Um, yes, she does drive one, since you ask…
Fridge says
Those who turn on hazard lights when they do something clearly dangerous and inconsiderate don’t seem to realise that they confound their lack of basic decency *with a clear acknowledgement that they know they are being selfish, irritating idiots*. Hazard lights are clearly designed for those rare occasion when a car conks out and cannot be moved to a safe place. Anyone who uses them to excuse/highlight their cretin-status is deluded and deserving of all the ire the rest of us can muster…
davebigpicture says
When I used to deliver and collect equipment in London in the late 80s, hazard lights were known as “park anywhere lights.” It would be impossible to park in the same manner today, even for a short time. If a warden didn’t get me a camera would.
Jim Cain says
Just mobile phone use. It’s bad enough to see people taking calls at the wheel, but at least their eyes are on the road. The amount of people I see tapping away on smartphones while driving depress me.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Audi drivers. Cocks.
bobness says
Steady on, old thing.
Do I get any right of reply?
Jim Cain says
Q: What car do cowboys drive?
A: Audi, pardner
Moose the Mooche says
Q: What car does Freddie Garrity drive?
A: Audi You Do What You Do To Me
ianess says
Gerry Marsden!! Call yourself an Afterworder, Moose? Tut, tut.
Moose the Mooche says
Sorry, I don’t remember that record too well. I was a mere lad of minus 9 when it came out 😉
chiz says
What’s your ruling on Mercedes drivers, Vulpes? Cock or non-cock?
Vulpes Vulpes says
Male or female?
garyt says
All of the above, plus:
People who park on the wrong side of the road – because they are too lazy to walk to the shop/ATM etc, they block (at least ) 2 lanes of traffic to park, then the same when they leave.
Idiots that sit in the right hand lane at a red light, then wait until the light turns green before indicating to turn right.
fortuneight says
* Able bodied people who park in mother and child spaces or disabled spaces
* As mentioned above, Audi drivers
* People who drive around with their front fog lights on when there’s no fog.
* Audi drivers
* People who put their rear fog lights on when it’s raining
* Drivers who enter roundabouts in the left lane, cross to the right way across and then exit in the left lane
* Drivers on open roads who brake every time a car comes the other way
* People that drive mile after mile in the middle lane of motorways (thankfully plod finally nicked someone for this)
* Taxi drivers who seem to think they have a dispensation to park anywhere, and never indicate
* Did I mention Audi drivers
* People who park across spaces diagonally to protect their pride and joy (neatly dealt with below)
http://i.imgur.com/o9kCh73.jpg
duco01 says
“People who park across spaces diagonally to protect their pride and joy ”
Hmmm … I’ve never seen that before. I don’t think that habit exists here in Sweden. I’ve never come across it, anyway. Great picture, Mr fortuneight!
Traffic is the main thing that I notice every time I return to the London area. There are so many cars everywhere, at all times of the day and night. I suppose, after 26 years in Sweden, I regard the traffic here as ‘normal’, when in fact, compared to most of Western Europe, it’s really quiet on the roads of Greater Stockholm.
davebigpicture says
NSFW. Contains pictures of Audis too.
http://you-parklikeacunt.tumblr.com/
johnw says
As someone that doesn’t usually venture into the world of motoring comment, I was completely unaware that Audi drivers were so reviled. I don’t really know why that is though. How does the car you drive make you drive any differently? I recently bought an Audi (A1) but that was only because my first choice of a Seat Ibiza had such an appallingly low specced stereo it would have required a specialist major dashboard overhaul as soon as I’d bought it. I think I drive the new car in exactly the same way as the old one (well it’s an almost identical body, engine etc) so how can I have suddenly become public enemy no 1?
Junglejim says
As a vulnerable road user ( scooterist & ex cyclist) my hazard perception/ self preservation habits are sharp by necessity & prejudices inevitably develop – you have to make very quick decisions about blocks of metal that could kill you.
Audis, I can assure you, are not a problem. Neither are Mercs, Saabs or Lexuses (sp?). It is Beemers, for some reason that as a grouping are a menace. This is based on numerous near death experiences, observations of non indicating, phone use, speeding, undertaking etc. I see that distinctive grill in my mirrors, I’m immediately on red alert. This ‘prejudice’ has probably saved my life more than once.
Sadly, for years now, I presume the worst in advance & more often than not, I’m correct. Can’t say why this is the case, but it is true without doubt.
If my daughter brought home a Beemer driving boyfriend, I would automatically assume he was an arsehole until he demonstrably proved otherwise.
fortuneight says
My reference to Audi involved a little poetic license, building on VV’s comment which made me laugh. FWIW I’m an ex Audi, BMW and Volvo driver so implicated in most of the posts above.
As a former fleet manager in a hugely alpha male financial services company where salesmen ruled the world (and where execs got 2 company cars) the aspirational car at the time was a BMW 3 series. Your ordinary journeyman sales exec would get a Mondeo or a Vectra, so a BMW was something you could park on your drive so your neighbours could see just how important you wanted them to think you were. And a most drove them like the grasping self centered socially inadequate juvenile knobheads they were in their day jobs.
As the fleet manager I was often able to drive “spare” cars and I noticed how much less friendly other road users were when I had a BMW. Even when I borrowed a Jag or a Porsche Boxster. But as BMW sought to get more business from the fleet market, reduced prices and introduced the 1 Series, they became to widely available, and the Audi’s took over as “the” make to drive. And mostly driven in the same way.
From personal experience – never seen an A1 driven in anything but an exemplary fashion. On my route to work I’m routinely tailgated and crowded by an Audi R8 and an A5 Quattro. 6 months ago a Q7 cut my step daughter up on a roundabout, clipped her front wing, spun her car around, and then used the home number demanded from her to ring and threaten us if we didn’t say it was her fault. And the GLW’s ex drives a Q5 and she says he’s a cock, so it must be true.
I recognise that the examples above may not wholly, reasonable constitute a bona fide trend but try as I was (sort of) speaking as I find.
Vulpes Vulpes says
This is the scientifically correct version of my Audi Cocks remark further up the page.
Dodger Lane says
Don’t drive, but round where I live in North London, I have never seen such appalling and selfish driving, largely by people who attempt to park SUVs whilst simultaneously ticking off kids and using phone. I wouldn’t mind, but they invariably stop in the middle of the road and hold up the bus. These are the same inconsiderate halfwits who will leave trolleys on the pavement because it’s too much sodding trouble to wheel them back 100 yards.
I have been driven a lot around Italy, largely by family members and most of them should have been certified on the basis of their driving, but then like Chiz says they are only doing what the others do and to attempt to drive safely, observe speed limit or, heaven forfend, stop at a red light, would only cause a pile-up.
Vim Fuego says
Chill out folks! For an overcrowded island with high car use our traffic safety stats are just about the best in the world. I know that some people can turn into twats behind the wheel, but I find that leaving early and not being rushed can make my journeys so much calmer. I also enjoy the chance to show little courtesies to other drivers, with the resulting nods, waves and smiles. Particularly if she has big knockers.
Jim Cain says
If everyone took your advice Vim, the roads would be a nicer place.
Sitheref2409 says
I have two Facebook posts on traffic.
“Dear BMW
I can solve your branding issue.
Stop selling your cars to assholes.”
“And Prius drivers? Thanks for saving the planet, but is there any chance at all that some of you could learn to drive?”
bobness says
As a seemingly reviled Audi driver, can I venture forth the 2 things that make me spit?
Drivers wearing headphones. How the hell can you hear what’s going on outside the car? I even saw someone the other day on Trent Bridge with the stereo turned up way too loud (some clubbing type music, of course) and a pair of in ear headphones in. WTF, seriously?
Drivers or passengers who are just too damn idle to dispose of litter and just throw it out of the car. Oxygen thieves.
Oh, did I mention Audi drivers?
Vulpes Vulpes says
With you all the way there bro’.
I’ve remonstrated with a driver who has just demonstrated beyond any doubt their own Olympic level qualification as a “grasping self centered socially inadequate juvenile knobhead” (copyright fortuneight 2015) only to have them wind their window down, stare quizzically at me and then yank the headphones from their ears while bellowing, in an over-compensating-for-the-moron-music-loudness-way, “What?”
Fuckwits.
JustB says
Old farts who generalise about other drivers and think they’re better than everyone else. MAN, I HATE THOSE GUYS.
Jim Cain says
What do you drive Bob; Audi or Beemer?
FWIW, I agree with you. I cycle thousands of miles every year, and genuinely see no correlation between bad driving and any particular marque. What I do find, perhaps counter- intuitively, is that drivers of yer high-performance cars (Subarus…etc) are better around cyclists than most. Perhaps because they’re motor enthusiasts, and take pride in their driving.
davebigpicture says
Years ago, I would have agreed with the BMW comments, not so much now. Can’t say I’ve noticed Audi drivers as particularly bad, I just think the roads are much more congested these days and this brings out the worst in a certain type of person. Didn’t Volvo drivers used to be the pariahs?
Jim Cain says
I can’t remember there being a Volvo problem, but then I’m quite young. One thing that does annoy me is the increasing size of cars. Families that 20 years ago would’ve driven Escorts or Astras now drive Qashqais, which are a bugger to see past.
Sewer Robot says
You need one of these Jim:
Steerpike says
How about this for trucks? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GNGfse9ZK8
Personally I think any vehicle over a certain height should be restricted to the inner lanes – as trucks are
Vulpes Vulpes says
Volvos used to be the bane of motorcyclist’s lives, especially back in the 80s. Theire safety features (for the occupiers) seemed to endow their drivers (a.k.a. the drivelling spawn that turned the steering wheel) with a sense of impregnability, and as a result, they gained a rep as the ones to watch out for while trying to stay alive on two wheels. Just check out your back issues of Bike and Superbike.
JustB says
@jim-cain – Audi. Plus, it’s an automatic which leaves one hand free for texting. BRILLIANT!
Skirky says
Twitter’s loss is The Afterword’s gain, I see.
Vulpes Vulpes says
Oh, you mean the old farts whose driving doesn’t attract the attention of the insurance companies loss adjustors, rather than the young grasping self centered socially inadequate juvenile knobheads whose driving puts everyone else’s premiums up I imagine?
JustB says
Actually, joking aside, there’s something in the Audi thing, but it’s mostly those massive ones – the Q-whatevers – that are the problem.
Check that: it’s SUVs in general. People driving around in Challenger tanks probably isn’t a good idea.
Jim Cain says
Spotted a bloke in a massive Range Rover this morning, texting on his phone as he drove along in rush hour. When he inevitably kills someone, people will say “he didn’t mean to do it.”
Vulpes Vulpes says
I have a dashcam front and back. Every time I get footage of one of these chumps I put it on the web and email a link to the local plod. Nothing ever happens.
*loads pump action*
It’s time for independent intervention.
Vulpes Vulpes says
chiz says
How does that work? Do you have the cameras running all the time and make a note of the time you see a misdemeanor, or do you have a switch to trigger them if you see someone whose driving looks dodgy?
Vulpes Vulpes says
They run continually on turning on the ignition, and use 32Gb Sd cards through which they cycle continuosuly, overwrting the oldest file when space runs out. One file records one minute of actual travel. A 32Gb card gives me around 5-6 days of driving recorded, so if I encounter an utter and total spanner von the road, all I have to do is remember to grab the SD card and ocpy the rlevant files to a PC within 5-6 days.
The video files are in full HD and have embedded GPS information within them, giving the time, location, direction of travel and the speed I was doing at the time. Fully submissible in a court of law.
SixDog says
See also “Lynn, I’m not driving a Mini Metro” and “if Ms Mitchell reconsiders, paving paradise for a multi-storey car park, could actually relieve congestion around the Norwich ring-road”
Milkybarnick says
Not dipping the clutch far enough grinds my gears.
*gets coat, driving gloves and sunglasses.
madfox says
Up.
Gatz says
Non driver here (the Light carries out those duties, some of us are driven and some of us are chauffeurs, or chauffeuse in her case I suppose). She claims never to have noticed two things before I pointed them out. One is that BMW and Audi drivers are reliably twattish, or at least twattish drivers are disproportionately represented among their ranks. That other is what I call ‘hat driving’. Look out for a driver in a hat, whether it be a young man who hasn’t got the memo about baseball caps yet or an old bloke in a tweed cap. You can be almost certain that they will drive as if they are completely unaware of anyone else on the road and should be given plenty of room as a precautionary measure.
Moose the Mooche says
As a general rule, young men in baseball caps – drivers or pedestrians – are brain-dead knobheads. Mouth-breathers to a man.
mikethep says
My dad used to wear a hat while driving. When I suggested that it marked him out as a prat, he said it was so he could raise it to ladies on horses. No answer to that.
SteveT says
I tell you what fucks me right off. Driving along a main road and there is a right turn filter ahead. The driver in front wants to turn right but doesn’t move far enough over to allow the traffic behind him to go straight on. Invariably he has to wait for what seems an eternity for oncoming traffic to pass leaving him time to make the right turn.
You will notice I used he/him – don’t know why I did that because it is invariably the fairer sex who use this tactic.
chiz says
It’s really quite disturbing how many angry middle-aged men there appear to be on the roads. It can’t be safe, can it, all that fury and seething resentment behind the wheel?
Moose the Mooche says
I don’t know, is it any more dangerous than giving them computers?
chiz says
Depends how fast the computers are
Sewer Robot says
Depends how many floors up they are..
Rosbif says
*sigh* As a recently qualified driver who’s about to acquire (or probably lease) a car for the first time ever, I have ALL THIS TO LOOK FORWARD TO!
Bingo Little says
I’ll join you, Rosbif. Only learned to drive last year. No idea what all this anger is about – I’m just happy to get from A to B without any fatalities.
I have been known to wear a baseball cap though: Moose, you horrible, horrible bastard.
Moose the Mooche says
Yebbut, you wear it to the side…. to stick it to da man.
Gatz says
To be fair, the baseball cap comment originated with me. I can’t say I like them, but that’s nobody’s problem but mine. My observation was than when combined with driving baseball caps exert a mysterious lethal power. Or maybe it’s just because I’m on holiday and my undemanding read this year is Christine, so hunted automotive artefacts are at the front of my mind.
Sewer Robot says
It’s all driving with hoods up around my way…
Bingo Little says
TOO LATE!
You’re on my list as well now.
Moose the Mooche says
Oh bloody hell! Another one!
*crosses Bingo off List Of People Who Might Not Have Me On Their List*
johnw says
When the sun’s low and bright (like it was this morning on the drive to work this morning), a baseball cap is a very good safety accessory as it helps you see cars coming round roundabouts etc without having to take your hand off the wheel or move the visor to the side. I can’t bring myself to do it though.
ianess says
Had a family holiday in Malta many years ago. After the first night wandering around Valletta, my Dad announced that he wouldn’t drive the hire car. I gleefully took over and got right into the local swing of things, I.e., constant blasting of the horn, squeezing into nonexistent gaps in oncoming traffic, many hand signals not found in the Highway Code. I loved it.
Vulpes Vulpes says
I stayed with a family in Athens a while back, and got a lift to Piraeus from their dad in the morning. He was a taxi driver. I cannot imagine that Alton Towers can be anything like as exciting.
MC Escher says
Can’t be doing with all this “I wish people would just be more polite and considerate behind the wheel” bollocks. Courtesy Causes Confusion, numbnuts.
Drivers who let other drivers out at side roads. Leading to
Drivers who stop to let oncoming drivers turn right. Leading to
Drivers who have become habituated to other’s muddleheaded politeness, and now edge themselves fully across one lane of the main road almost forcing traffic in the other lane to stop and let them complete their right turn.
There’s a reason why it takes so long to move around. There are just too many cars, you twats. Wait on the side road behind those painted lines. Don’t want to wait? Get on your bike or walk.
retropath2 says
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk-c5jlk48s
Seems to say so much more succinctly what you guys are saying……
Rob C says
Interesting points from a pedestrian/passenger aimimg to get a driving licence in the second half of their forties. ( I was stitched up in Tunbridge Wells as a youngster).
1. Bastards who use car horns to beep hello.
2. Pushy mothers driving too fast down and dangerously down the lanes around my village.
3. Ignoramuses approaching a junction too fast and not looking either way as they pull out.
Sometimes I fantasise about being an American traffic cop and slamming them over the bonnet, cuffing them. Resisting arrest ? Suits me. I’ll enjoy shooting you in both legs.
Peace & Love _/\_ x
Steerpike says
My ire is reserved for those who drive irresponsibly around schools. Just last week I observed an impatient businessman, know doubt late for some vital meeting, for which he is indispensable, clearly outraged at being held up on a school road, once the road opened up, planting his foot and roaring off. Little 5 and 6 year olds were everywhere and they have very little road sense at that age.
Yes it’s frustrating with kids and adults all trying to get to school/work at exactly the same time and yes many parents are the worst culprits – double parking right outside the school etc but think about it, how would you cope knowing you had run a child over?
Vulpes Vulpes says
We had to campaign for nearly ten years to get the local council to agree to lower the speed limit past the village Primary School. TEN YEARS. Until that time the speed limit was 60mph, right past the gates. The road is barely wide enough for two cars to pass. For seven or so years now it has been a 30 mph zone. People still ignore the limit. These are people who should have their driving licences revoked. For TEN YEARS.
Rob C says
Prefaced by Keelhauling at the nearest local sea port.
Thegp says
People who drop secondary school kids off at school.
No excuse in ANY circumstances
Harry Tufnell says
I must say I’m very surprised that us 4×4 drivers haven’t been called c*nts yet…
Jim Cain says
Some things go without saying.
Harry Tufnell says
Private plate as well…
Jim Cain says
Ye Gods! What else? Bull bars flecked with the blood of pedestrians?!
Harry Tufnell says
“My other car is a Porsche” sticker
Vulpes Vulpes says
Stuck on an Audi, of course.
Which is all a Porsche is anyway, but with an “I saw you coming” brand on its badge.
Rufus T Firefly says
Rubbish! And I should know, because my other car is a Porsche!
Sewer Robot says
My other car needs a push..
Vulpes Vulpes says
http://cdn.nothingtodo.co.uk/files/porsche_4x4.jpg
Dogbyte says
Holding the car on the foot brake in traffic, especially after dark when the high-level brake light dazzles the driver behind.
johnw says
I’m afraid you’re going to have to talk to the car manufacturers first. One of the features of my new car is that the engine switches off to save petrol when the brake is pressed. When you lift off again, the engine starts – I suppose I could put it in neutral but it’s the 21st century and I’m not going to fiddle about more than I need to when there’s a computer that’s quite happy to do the work for me. Having said that, it’s entirely possible that the brake lights go off with the engine.
johnw says
Addendum: I’ve just checked this morning and if I put it into neutral when the engine has been automatically stopped, it springs back into life so the intention is clearly to keep your foot on the brake.
Dogbyte says
In mine when you apply the handbrake and put the car in neutral the intelligent stop/go kicks in, the engine restarts when you press the clutch to engage a gear.
johnw says
Ah! Thats because you’ve got one of those old fashioned cars that needs the driver to operate the clutch rather than have a computer to it with less fuss (for the driver) and more efficiently (due to the change occurring at the optimal moment)
Twang says
When I lived in Paris I became very adept at driving a la Francais (no idea how to do accents on this keyboard…) – I gave some friends a lift to Gare du Nord ,and as they were in danger of missing their train I went for it…the Etoile, the whole works…they were white faced on arrival. Made the train though.
Rigid Digit says
The obvious answer, as a car driver, is Cyclists.
But … I firmly believe that they DO have as much right on the road as any other Road user (apart from those who sail through Red Lights, or go the wrong way up one way streets)
Yes, it can be frustrating sitting behind a bicyclist on a windy country road, or in a constant flow of traffic, but hey … that’s life. A gap will appear at some point.
I’ve been overtaken by impatient drivers whilst I’m waiting for a gap – in fact I spied in my mirrors that White Van Man had actually steamed past 2 other cars and me in his haste to get to the McDonalds Drive-Thru (probably?) – un-bloody-believable.
The biggest bug I have with cyclists is at night when they ride along with no lights on – last night I overtook a cyclist who had his crash helmet on, but no illumination.
(The immediate response is: “well, you’ve got lights on your car, and there are street lights”
Yes, and my lights are turned on – so should yours be Bradley Wiggins)
But what gets me most about the riders
Jim Cain says
As a cyclist, I’ve no problem with any of this. I don’t care if someone hates cyclists. All I ask is that they don’t drive dangerously around us as a result.
And the concerns about unlit or red light jumping cyclists are all legitimate.
Rigid Digit says
If I’m overtaking a car I try to give at least half a cars width between the dawdling driver and my near side.
Same applies to cyclists – give ’em as much room as possible.
Especially round where I live – the near side of the roads, especially around the drains, are full of potholes. I just know that they will need to avoid these as much as I would
Rigid Digit says
(and now the bit I forgot to add …)
But what gets me most about the riders is cycling on the pavement.
A couple of years ago, my daughter was knocked down by a cyclist on the path outside my house.
When I asked why he wasn’t on the road, his reply was “it’s dangerous on the roads”. I admit I was a tad peeved when I replied “Yeah, and it’s oh so f***ing safe on the paths!”
The really bloody annoying thing about this episode was about a fortnight later when I drove forward off my driveway (at about 1 mph (honest!)), the same cyclist came steaming down the path smack into my front wing.
Jim Cain says
Happened to my boss too, who is a cyclist herself. She was walking through the town centre and a cyclist jumped on to the pavement and sent her flying, giving her two black eyes. There are no excuses really. If you’re genuinely scared of traffic, and choose to take to the pavement, then you have to ride extremely slowly and carefully, giving way to pedestrians.
Twang says
I agree on pavements, though in London I sometimes ride on them if they are wide and there aren’t many pedestrians if the option is a hideous roundabout or junction. Often I’ll get off and scoot at walking pace.
Regarding one way streets, I entirely agree with the proposal that cyclists can use them – they are there to route cars around one way systems, which are invariably horribly dangerous for cyclists – there is always room for a bike coming the other way. But it needs to be properly introduced – there have been successful trials in London.
Fridge says
The thing I’ve realised about cycling and cyclists is that there is no ‘gang’. Saying ‘all cyclists’ is as daft as saying ‘all car drivers’ or ‘all White Van Men’. There are simply idiots, and not-idiots. It’s the idiots who are annoying, for everyone.
Smudger says
There seems to be an increasing trend for people in cars to pull out towards the centre of the road when starting to turn left into another road, much like a HGV driver has to in order not to run the wheels of his trailer over the kerb. It’s as if people don’t realise that the kerb stones on the corner of the road are curved to take account of the fact that front wheels and rear wheels do not exactly follow each other.
It’s not an issue a lot of the time but at junctions where there are two lanes, one to turn left and the other to go straight on and/or right, there’s been more than one occasion where I’ve feared for my inside wing mirror.
Vulpes Vulpes says
This is symptomatic of the long term trend to teach people to pass the driving test, rather than to teach people to drive a motor vehicle.
The sooner we remind people that obtaining a driving licence is just that – licence (look it up) – not a human right, and is designed to protect other people as much as it is to impart dangerous vehicle operating skills the better.
Having done so, we should start removing those licences from any people who do not display sufficient responsibility to continue to hold them.
Consequently we will also need to find somewhere to put a number of the predominantly young and male miscreants who will continue to drive vehicles after having had their licences revoked.
At a stroke we could bolster the head count of the armed forces without having had to reintroduce National Service.
Result. Trebles all round!
*waxes moustache, flaps Telegraph, reaches for large pink gin*
johnw says
On the way in this morning I remembered another one (or at least was reminded of another one!). People that change lanes on roundabouts without indicating. These days loads of large roundabouts, especially those at motorway junctions, are marked in a spiral which means that, as long as you know where you’re going and you got in the correct lane (not always possible but at 6:30 am in the suburbs is almost always possible!) you NEVER need to cross a line to your right on a roundabout. A roundabout is not one big wide lane that allows you to take the shortest route from a to b!
Vulpes Vulpes says
I have seen this idiotic ineptitude EVERY morning at Junction 16 on the M4 for the last several months. It happens so frequently I have become inured to it. I now switch my headlights on as I enter the roundabout in question, just to make myself a little more visible, but the same fools don’t usually know how to use a mirror, so it probably makes no difference.
retropath2 says
Having spent the last fortnight driving around Turkey, all I can say is I can’t wait to meet up again with all these issues again………….
Clive says
I honestly hope this is a Dubai thing (but I have seen it several times)… people driving with those silver sun shades still in position on the windscreen, pulling the top down with one hand and peeping over the top while they drive… really.
Mike_H says
Only a slight digression.
If every speed camera and traffic light camera in the country actually worked and every driver they caught was prosecuted, the congestion on our roads would be quickly reduced because about 30% of current drivers would be banned before very long.
Another digression.
Our roads in the London area at least, are now very overcrowded, yet there are more driving school cars teaching drivers than ever. Surely there must come a time when a quota system for new driving licenses will have to be introduced?
Jim Cain says
Absolutely. I work with people who drive a short (<5 miles) distance to the office each day, mainly in bumper-to-bumper traffic, which leaves them frustrated. And they moan about roadworks, and they moan about the council, and they moan about others drivers, and they moan about cyclists….yet they never see the obvious answer. Which is 'stop being fucking lazy and open your eyes'.
el toro says
A couple of late comments to this thread……
I’ve noticed an increasing trend for people to carry out 3 point turns on busy A roads. If I find myself pointing the wrong way I’ll make sure to turn at junctions, or in a car park or petrol station, but NEVER think it’s ok to hold up both directions while I fiddle about back and forth………
Oh, and I once upset a white van man so much that he threw his burger out of the window St the back of my car. Actually, thinking back, he was trying to do a U turn across two lanes of traffic…..