Another in an occasional series of antipodean horrors for the benefit of @Kaisfatdad
Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Musings on the byways of popular culture
Another in an occasional series of antipodean horrors for the benefit of @Kaisfatdad
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Paul Wad says
It’s the biggest factor that would put me off moving to Australia (the second being the distance from Oakwell), that the country seems to be full of things that want to kill you. Killer crocs, killer snakes, killer spiders and Mick Taylor.
Junior Wells says
Yes a lot of them but not many where most of us live and very few guns.
Junior Wells says
These are harmless despite being called Huntsman. They prefer domestic dwellings. Get heaps on the mouse ai am in currently.
Moose the Mooche says
As seen on John Hurt’s face.
Paul Wad says
That horrible thing would laugh at my spider catcher, and would probably feel more inclined to take it off me and hit me round the head with it. I just couldn’t live in a place where there’s the threat of one of those creeping up and scaring the bejesus out of me.
Boneshaker says
The mere sight of this is enough to make me rip up my passport. Sorry Australia, but there’s no excuse for this sort of thing.
Moose the Mooche says
Great Pom reaction. “This sun’s too hot, I shall write to The Times about this!”
bobness says
A friend of mine lives in fairly rural Sydney. She says she can occasionally hear Huntsman spiders walking across the wooden floors before she sees them.
How can a spider be so big you can hear it walking?
nigelthebald says
😱
sarah says
I have a friend who has a phobia of spiders, even toy ones. One look at that bad boy and I’m with her.
Sniffity says
In times like this, the magpie is your friend…
Junior Wells says
The irony is that the places people come to Aust to visit are the most dangerous. The tropical parts have the Crocs and in the summer months sea waters have the irakinji jellyfish which can result in agonisingly painful deaths so swimming in the sea in the hottest months is risky.
Sydney especially northern beaches has funnel web spiders ( nasty)
Down south snakes ( mainly in summer) and the occasional shark but pretty tame.
Sharks seem to be more common and more widely spread than before.
dai says
I played golf in Florida a couple of years ago. We were advised not to look for any lost balls if they went off the fairway into undergrowth (snakes) or water hazards (alligators), I never hit the ball straighter!
SteveT says
when I lived in Miami Lakes the apartment I lived in was next to a golf course that we played most weekends.
Alligators were a common sight but rarely a threat.
They also had a floodlit pitch and putt course that you could play at night – if you missed the green and ended in bunkers in the un floodlit part you were prone to be met by a posse of American bullfrogs. For me these were much scarier than the gators.
MC Escher says
Well, she shouldn’t have got into its bed, should she.
Moose the Mooche says
She’s worse than that bint on the tuffet.
Beezer says
Mrs Beezer and I spent a month in Australia in 2003.
The final few days spent at a holiday resort in Port Douglas in Queensland.
We hired a couple of bikes one morning and proceeded hence into the locale. I must say it’s a lovely spot. Eventually we came upon a residential area, a group of houses spaced out in a crescent with a significant stream running through with some dense woodland at the back.
We cycled past the stream. I noticed a yellow warning sign. ‘No Fishing’, perhaps? ‘No Paddling’? Nope.
‘Beware Crocodiles’
F**k..Off.
(I took a photo of it before pedalling away at velocity. I might try and find it)
Kaisfatdad says
I do relish these Aussie wildlife horror stories that you treat us to , Junior.
But was glad to hear there was a happy ending with this one.
If you live in Allice, I suspect the snake catcher’s number is o the fridge along with that of the local pizzeria and Thai take-away.
Here’s the number of the Snakephone and a few practical tips.
https://alicesprings.nt.gov.au/community/animal-management/snakes
chiz says
Did she know darn well he was a snake before she brought him in?
Freddy Steady says
Nice one @chiz, I got it.
sarah says
Did that reptile have a grin?
dai says
This happened in Canada a few years ago. Horrific tragedy.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/snake-kills-2-n-b-boys-after-escaping-store-rcmp-say-1.1340560
Kaisfatdad says
What an horrific story, Dai!
When your kids go off for a sleepover at a pal’s, a killer python in the ventilations shaft is not the first thig you worry about.
Kid Dynamite says
Be thankful you’re not in Laos
that’s like a vinyl record toddling across the floor at you
H.P. Saucecraft says
I’ve seen one of these fuckers, though not long enough to measure it. That’s why I live in Thailand – spiders can’t swim.
Podicle says
It’s all a bit overblown. The only actual predatory animals that will kill you here are sharks and crocs, and you have to be exceedingly unlucky for the former and a complete idiot for the latter.
Spiders: The big, scary looking ones like the huntsmen are harmless (it’s like a bee sting), and there have been no deaths from funnelweb bites (the only really deadly one here) for at least 40 years, despite them being common in Australia’s most populous city.
Snakes: Here’s the thing with Australian venomous snakes- they have exceedingly small fangs, which means the venom doesn’t penetrate far and needs to be taken into the lymphatic system to circulate. This is why we are taught the compression bandage technique here for treating snakebite. There is enough time for antivenom to be given, thus fatalities are rare. Also, snakes are desperate to stay out of the way of people and will only bite if provoked or accidentally stood on.
The real tourist killers in Australia are far more mundane: drowning in the ocean and dehydrating in the outback.
mikethep says
Seems to me it’s mainly dogs that do the snake provoking, and then owners get bitten trying to protect them. Another good reason for not owning a dog…
But yes – I’ve lived on Oz on and off for over ten years and in all that time I’ve seen four snakes – two carpet pythons and two red-bellied blacks, which are venomous but not lethal.
Having said which, if I got bitten by a snake I’d probably die of a heart attack long before the venom got anywhere.
Sewer Robot says
Wottabout all the carcinogens in barbie-cooked food..?
Mike_H says
A straight contest between the Carcinogens and the Cholesterol.
My money’s on the Cholesterol.
retropath2 says
Isn’t it true that those big buggers, by Brit standards, Cardinal spiders, are venomous, but have teeth to short to pierce our tough hide. I know they nip, from a lifetime getting rid for sisters, wives and children. The old quick cupping them into a hand and running, quickly, to door or window. Fact: my first wife actually jumped on a chair when one big one scuttled in, just like in the Beano.
Junior Wells says
Snakes are cold blooded so they like to sun in open areas, ie tracks in the bush where people walk. So they attack when startled. Good to be noisy or if a suspect area throw rocks ahead of you so they can scarper.
@Podicle – the irakinji jellyfish aw not to be overlooked.
mikethep says
Yes, I always do a lot of galumphing when out and about in bush, also carry a big stick*. I used to sing loudly until I discovered that snakes are deaf.
*Which reminds me:
https://outbacktravelaustralia.com.au/blog/australia-according-to-douglas-adams/
Podicle says
Good point. Forgot about them, though as any fule kno it is the box jellyfish that is the biggest concern. They are very localised and seasonal, however, and have only caused occasional fatalities.
Junior Wells says
Irukundji are box jellyfish.
Hawkfall says
I think it is in Bill Bryson’s book Down Under where he writes about the different dangerous critters and if I recall correctly he narrates one case where someone was stung by one of the jellyfish, died screaming in pain and then continued screaming after he was dead.
Sewer Robot says
Gulp.
Podicle says
Some years ago as a bit of a work junket I was sent on a snake handling course and it was a great fun day. After a morning learning about snakes (including the fact that South East Queensland, where I live, has the highest biodiversity of snakes in the world) we spent the afternoon practicing handling techniques on a variety of snakes. We were paired up with a trainer, and they would literally dump the snakes out of containers onto the grass and we would have to use the hook and bag technique to catch them.
Well, we worked our way up the list that day from carpet snakes (large pythons that are non venomous), through black snakes, taipans, inland taipan (deadliest snake in the world) death adder etc. Most of them just wanted to get away from you and happily went into the catch bag.
Anyway, at the end of the day they brought out the Eastern Brown snakes. These are 3rd or 4th most deadly snakes in the world, and are the most aggressive in Australia. We had to wear protective chaps (arseless, of course!) as these snakes were on another scale altogether. They were the only snake that would come towards you if they were provoked, and would rear up and strike repeatedly.
It is no coincidence that they are responsible for the vast majority of fatal bites in Australia, but again, their preference is to get away from you and they will only strike if cornered and provoked. It was a great lesson.
Kaisfatdad says
Yikes! That is a work junket in Australia?? Wow! I love it.
Here in Sweden, a work junket usually consists of going to a charming manor house in the countryside, listening to a few pep talks, pigging out on some delicious nosh and then having a sauna with Mavis from Accounts.
If some Crocodile Dundee wannabe turned up at activity time with a tucker-bag full of Eastern Browns, there would be a riot!
Junior Wells says
Our most deadly snake in terms of number of bites and deaths has the most prosaic of names – the brown snake.
‘It got me three times’: Cool-headed mate saves teen bitten by deadly snake
Podicle says
Snake names in Australia are definitely a case of ‘say what you see’.
Green snake in a tree = Green Tree Snake
Brown snake = Brown Snake
Brown snake in tree = Brown Tree Snake
Black snake = Black Snake
Black snake with red abdomen = Red Bellied Black Snake
Etc etc
An interesting one is the Death Adder, originally named Deaf Adder because it seemed so placid. When they realised how deadly it was it was quickly renamed.
hubert rawlinson says
Not forgetting the boomslang of sub-Saharan Africa translates from the Afrikaans as tree snake.
mikethep says
And there’s the bandy-bandy, so called because it’s got black and white bands.
garyjohn says
Australians love to trot out these stories to perpetrate the legend, but in actual fact, the most deadly animals in Oz are … horses and cows.
https://www.businessinsider.com/australias-horses-and-cows-are-deadlier-than-its-snakes-and-spiders-2018-12?r=AU&IR=T
Sniffity says
And then there’s the legendary case from 1988…
“A bloke named Gordon from Darwin, Australia lost his arm, the use of his legs, and was revived three times on the operating table after an encounter with a king brown snake, the 21st most deadly venomous snake in the world. Gordon has said, “I still can’t believe my arm’s been chopped off just for one snake.”
Perhaps nine snakes who each bit him once would be more easily believed than the one snake who bit him nine times. Gordon, who has admitted he was drunk at the time, had been driving with a friend from Mandorah to Darwin when they saw the snake. He picked it up with his left hand “because I was holding a beer in my right one.” The snake bit the web of his hand, but Gordon managed to withstand the pain and put it in a plastic bag. He threw the bag in the back of the car.
Once again quoting Gordon, “For some stupid reason, I stuck my hand back in the bag, and it must have smelled blood, and it bit me another eight times.” His friend drove him to a nearby hotel, where he was taken by ambulance to the hospital. His friend tried to keep him conscious by, as Gordon said, “whacking me in the head and pouring beer on me.”
Despite his friend’s quick action, doctors have said that it will take a long time and a lot of rehabilitation before Gordon regains full muscle control. When he does, we fondly anticipate another Darwin Award attempt.”
https://darwinawards.com/i/stupid1999-18.jpg
Moose the Mooche says
You ever got bit by a dead bee?
Gary says
On a cake? Most defintely. Bit good.
Moose the Mooche says
You and your David Sylvian!
GCU Grey Area says
I’m very glad he does mention him, because Sylvian’s output post-Japan had passed me by. Thanks to him, I’ve picked up most of his solo stuff and like a great deal of it very much. Cheers @gary .
Moose the Mooche says
Walter Brennan and David Sylvian. Not two people you often see together.
Mike_H says
Three more from them later on the show.
Gary says
🥰 😘
Kaisfatdad says
In his very enjoyable autobiography, Unreliable Memoirs, Clive James, makes his contribution to that lively genre of which I am a great fan: Outrageous Aussie Tales about Terrifying Beasties Down Under which Will Scare the Shit out of Whingeing Poms.
His description of venomous redback spiders lurking in the toilet, certainly gave me the willies.
Here it is for you all to enjoy.
https://archive.clivejames.com/books/um1-2.htm
Gatz says
I’m glad to see that site has been archived. I picked a TV review at random, and it turned out to be the one in which James memorably likens Rod Stewart to ‘a bifurcated Marrow’. He also writes, ‘He hopped along like a pensionable cherub’. I know cherubs are usually meant to be infants, but even so it seems a bit harsh on Rod who was 35 at the time.
https://archive.clivejames.com/books/psychic.htm
Moose the Mooche says
That’s such a treasure trove, especially as the TV books are out of print. It’s always gold when he gets his teeth into Superstars or Grandstand or whatever. Prose poetry.
I often think of his description of The Period Laugh, adopted by hammy actorrrrs in costume dramas “Nyo-hoh-ho” etc, and the RANDOM SHOUT that male actors drop in to show how intensely they are feeling the role.
35 seems young for a rock star now…
Kaisfatdad says
I agree, Gatz, That site is an absolute treasure trove.
What a witty chap!
Chrisf says
I still remember the story in the Straits Times just after I had moved to Singapore regarding a guy being bitten on the bollocks by a snake hiding in the toilet. I can’t find the full article, only the synopsis……
‘Former national athlete bitten by snake in toilet [ARTICLE]
Page 1
Former national athlete bitten by snake in toilet John Lui By A FORMER national shot put and discus champion was bitten on his testicles yesterday by a python hiding m a toilet bowl he was sitting on. Mr Fok Keng Choy, 43, a supervisor at the Tanglin Golf Course’
https://eresources.nlb.gov.sg/newspapers/Digitised/Issue/straitstimes19930804
Kaisfatdad says
A python lurking in the bog and making a lunge for my nuts??
This is truly the stuff of nightmares. Even Edgar Allen Poo did not come up with a tale of toilet terror to match that.
After this, I can ABC offering Junior a job as a presenter on the telly.. Junior’s Half Hour of Horror.
Junior Wells says
I guess its time for this classic
Kaisfatdad says
Wonderful! This is real country music. A song about the pains and tribulations that ordinary people endure.
I bet Nashville has not produced a song about spiders lurking in the loo!
Sewer Robot says
One time, in New Zealand I was surrounded by sheep and got a rash that lasted for hours..
Junior Wells says
And then there’s…. errr, mice
‘They’re having an absolute field day’: Mouse plague extends across parts of Qld, NSW
Junior Wells says
Forgot the link
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-02-05/nsw-mouse-plague-video-1980s-pestilence/13113078
Kaisfatdad says
Blimey! That is real horror film stuff. Nature gone mad!
I am suddenly reminded of the adventure novels of Canadian- American Willard Price that I devoured in my early teens, that are full of lurid descriptions of wild nature.
https://www.the-tls.co.uk/articles/willard-price-adventure-books-sam-leith-essay/
Willard would be taking notes on this thread and then preparing to write Outback Adventure.
https://www.theguardian.com/books/booksblog/2010/jul/20/conservation-willard-price-adventure-books
The terrifying Python in the Toilet anecdote would doubtless have schoolboys all over the world gasping in horror and grasping their nuts for safety’s sake.
Black Celebration says
Yes – I came here to share this link. Brrr…
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/they-showed-up-from-nowhere-mouse-plague-hits-parts-of-australia/2ZPTGRNT655IT7HUX5UBE5HZ2E/
mikethep says
And of course a mouse plague will inevitably be followed by a snake plague…
Black Celebration says
And owls.
Junior Wells says
And kookaburras
Moose the Mooche says
It could ‘appen!
mikethep says
In all these tales of terror we’re neglecting the everyday irritations.
1: mosquitos. Nothing beats swatting one on your leg and seeing a splodge of your own blood. They’re particularly fond of me – fresh meat I guess. Non-malarial, which is something, but there’s Ross River Fever in SE QLD now, thanks to them. Bastards.
2: midges, known round here as no-see-ums, on account of how you never see them bite you. Itchy bastards.
3: bush turkeys, also known as brush turkeys. Ugly destructive bastards which trash your garden and build enormous nests with the pickings. We have a garden full of chicks, so that’s not going to end well. Like all other Oz wildlife it’s illegal even to hate them, let alone kill them. I chase them round the garden with my NERF gun, but they’re too stupid to realise they’re being persecuted. They’re moving south and have made it as far as Sydney. Only a matter of time before they reach Melbourne ha ha.
4. ants. Can’t be bothered to look them up, little bitey bastards that nip your toes if you’re not wearing shoes and socks, and who does that in the summer?
5. Ticks. Bastards. Nuff said.
6. Stinging tree, also known as suicide tree. Swipe yourself with the leaves and the pain is intense and long lasting. Never encountered it myself, but surely only a matter of time.
Junior Wells says
Bullants. Excruciating bite. One bit me on end of big toe. Family seemed to think it hilarious. Could barely walk. Bastards: bullants and family.
March flies – big like blowies only bite with what must be a large blunt syringe. No blood so must just be for the sport. Fortunately they are slow so you can kill em easy. If you want to get your tally up – they like blue. A flipper is a good lure.
I was walking along a lovely beach , Waratah bay since you ask – they swarmed me and not even March. The cheek.
Black Celebration says
NZ doesn’t really pull its weight with scary beasties but the occasional appearance of a giant weta pinning down the cat with a half-Nelson makes me pine fur the days of the cute little stag beetles of Blighty.
mikethep says
Had to Google that, wish I hadn’t. Like a cross between a cockroach and a lobster. Cock lobster.
duco01 says
Re: “NZ doesn’t really pull its weight with scary beasties”
Surely a kakapo could give you a nasty nip?
hubert rawlinson says
Yes but only at night.
Black Celebration says
I didn’t think birds were in scope. Auckland museum has a life size model of the seemingly delicious giant moa. Much, much bigger than an ostrich but couldn’t run very fast and was flightless.
The most hassle I’ve had from birds is in, yes, Australia. If you don’t wear a hat they’ll fly down and peck your head! Bastards.
Sewer Robot says
It’s only their well-known fear of corks that prevents Hitchcockian Armageddon..
retropath2 says
Arf!
Sitheref2409 says
Half a mile from my house. Which is, yknow, reassuring.
mikethep says
Alice Springs out of bed with a snake attached to her toe.
Sitheref2409 says
Yep.
The local story, that I got from one of the local ambos, was that the family did everything spot on in terms of cre and treatment before proper medical staff took a look.
Which is impressive. I rather think I’d have been swearing up a storm and just yelling for the hospital
H.P. Saucecraft says
We get snakes in the garden, and occasionally in the house. Once one stretched across my desk, behind my monitor, over five feet long. It was as scared as I was, and leapt (snakes can leap!) off through the door as I pushed back in a panic chair slide. And we had a big bugger in a bedroom which required calling the village snake guy, who put it in a sack with one of those scissory extended gripper things. Apart from the occasional scorpion, though, there’s not much else in the way of lethal wildlife here (although you want to avoid Bangkok expats).
Junior Wells says
Malaria carrying mosquitoes?
H.P. Saucecraft says
I caught Dengue fever from one while in Cambodia, but malaria has passed me by.
Junior Wells says
About to go to a walk in sub tropical rainforest and encountered this sign.
Killer trees !!! Well not quite deadly but still.
Moose the Mooche says
Hairy things are always scary – trees, spiders, roadies.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Nutsacks.
Moose the Mooche says
Gesundheit!
retropath2 says
Just a thought, has anyone actually ever tried biting a spider?
Moose the Mooche says
….or indeed crouching menacingly in the corner of a spider’s web saying, “Ahaaa, you don’t like me hanging around your gaff uninvited, do ya?”
retropath2 says
C’mon, Moosey, we’ve all done that!
mikethep says
Spiders, you say…
H.P. Saucecraft says
Lulsies!
Junior Wells says
Spider crabs appear en masse each year in the Bay near me. They have become a point of contention between those wanting to Carmichael as many as they can and the conservationists. Just this week new limits have been set for catch limits.
https://museumsvictoria.com.au/article/melbournes-annual-congregation-of-giant-spider-crabs/
Moose the Mooche says
Carmichael? what an absolute shower!
Gatz says
Whereas here they are going to be rebranded ‘Cornish King Crab’ because the name is apparently putting consumers off.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-55996938
Junior Wells says
Here ya go, more jellyfish.
The irakinji can kill , blue bottles sting like fuck – I can attest to that.
Here’s another that has now made it down to Sydney.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/science/2021-02-13/bizarre-blue-fleet-blows-onto-australias-east-coast/13139456?utm_source=abc_news_web&utm_medium=content_shared&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=abc_news_web
Junior Wells says
Hmmm it’s been a toss up between the 2 deaths with fishermen remains found inside crocs or spiders. Spider home invasions have gotta be the winner.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-01-30/huntsman-spider-home-invasions-driven-by-weather/13104560?utm_source=abc_news_web&utm_medium=content_shared&utm_content=twitter&utm_campaign=abc_news_web
mikethep says
“From an evolutionary point of view it’s good to keep everything as moist and gentle as possible.” Good advice, worth following.
Junior Wells says
“If the moisture’s good and the pressure’s good, they’ll start eating each other and then they’ll grow,” he said
hubert rawlinson says
Just read this.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/cat-snake-bite-australia-save-children-b1802315.html
Junior Wells says
Gutsy effort Arthur.
Junior Wells says
Flesh eating ulcer reaches Melbourne
https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/flesh-eating-ulcer-spreads-to-inner-melbourne-suburbs-20210223-p5755l.html
Black Celebration says
Who knew this thread would run and run…?
Queensland. There’s something on the windscreen….
dadwardo says
My Aussie wife (who’s admirably and enviously stoic in the face of all Victorian wildlife) absolutely freaked the fuck out at this clip. Super work!
mikethep says
“On their way to Alligator Creek…” Frying pan…fire.
Actually, it’s a python, isn’t it? Big bastard, but couldn’t do you much harm unless you crashed the car while freaking out.
Moose the Mooche says
Victorian wildlife… I had an image of a weasel in a frock coat. Possibly running a mill.
Don’t laugh, it could happen.
hubert rawlinson says
Oh Moore.
Seek and you shall find.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/gallery/2013/sep/13/curious-world-walter-potter-pictures-taxidermist-victorian
Somewhere there is a rather good picture of a weasel or stoat in a fez.
hubert rawlinson says
Oh Moosey
Seek and you shall find.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/gallery/2013/sep/13/curious-world-walter-potter-pictures-taxidermist-victorian
Also somewhere on the Internet there is a rather good picture of a weasel or stoat in a fez.
Moose the Mooche says
Perfect Victoriana – suffocatingly sentimental and yet also involving cruelty. Them were the days.
Kaisfatdad says
Definitely a pleasant surprise. This thread has all the tenacity of an Aussie purjon on the windscreen of a var zooming towarfs Alligator Ctrl.