To dull the stress of my work, I’ve taken to spending one day each weekend slowly BBQing a chunk of meat (usually pulled pork), reading a book and sipping the odd G&T. It’s the middle of winter, but seeing as this is South-East Queensland and I live on the edge of a rainforest, that just means that I’m wearing long sleeves and that there are fewer snakes around than normal. The only brown leaves in sight are on the Japanese Maple that hangs above the BBQ, a victim of my over-exuberant lighting technique.
My musical accompaniment for the last month, besides the bellbirds, whip birds and parrots, has been a playlist of classic period Stevie Wonder, and I think that Stevie and I have made a deep connection this year. The connection is strained, however, whenever he breaks into the Muppet Show voice he uses in the back half of Living for the City, and a couple of others. He’s trying to sound hard and gritty, but the result is pure Fozzie Bear. It punctures his lyrical intent immediately.
So this got me thinking about other bits in great songs that make me cringe. I’ve documented before on this site how the telly/smelly couplet in Up the Junction gives me a visible tic and how I need to be in the right mood to withstand Van’s porcine grunting on Veedon Fleece, an album I otherwise adore. I also remember as a kid loving the Wings song Rock Show, but wincing when it got to the novelty spoken word section (see also Uncle Albert). Truth be told, some days I even wish A Day in the Life skipped the atonal orchestral crescendos and popped in a few more of John’s/Paul’s ”Ahs”.
In all of these cases, my immediate thought is “what the fuck were they thinking?”. In all these cases, the artists were at or near peak fame, so maybe there was no one in the studio game enough to raise their head above the console and tell Stevie to pull his head in and give it another crack.
What examples do you have? Remember, they have to be songs you otherwise love with a single jarring element.
Moose the Mooche says
That voice that Van goes into on Bright Side of the Road is meant to be dead jazz, but he actually sounds like Jimmy Durante. I picture him in the vocal booth holding a paper cup over his nose.
I got into trouble with the prefects on here once about the backing vocal on Somewhere Down the Crazy River. I was haughtily informed that that backing vocalist was the highly talented and legendary blahdy-bladhy- blah, as if this information would somehow magically stop me from thinking that the backing vocal sounds bloody stupid.
Tahir W says
Er, … prefects here?
Moose the Mooche says
Yeah, you’ve seen them hassling first years in the lunch queue and telling people to tuck their shirts in. Future traffic wardens all.
Tahir W says
Good Lord, say it ain’t so!
retropath2 says
But, you are so right, Moose. The song came up on shuffle and I was enjoying it, after not hearing for years, having forgotten that stupid final vocal repeat in every chorus.
Awful.
I think the worst sin is when “chick singers” (sic) add a throaty growl to imbue passion. Sounds more like an oft repeating kipper pate sandwich.
Podicle says
Ah yes. I remember the reaction here when I suggested that P.P Arnold’s backing vocals on Tin Soldier were a tad off key.
Carl says
As I recall, while someone else may have named the singer, I pointed out that to my mind the voice fits in perfectly with the idea of being down the crazy river.
Nothing of the prefect, simply a disagreement. What’s wrong with that?
Podicle says
I think it was actually Mousey who took issue.
Blue Boy says
That’ll be Sam Llanas. I’m with the prefects on this one, I think the backing vocal is fine. The official video (can’t seem to post the link for some reason) is utterly terrible however, featuring our Robbie trying to look all mean and moody at the camera and ending up grappling saucily with the video’s dancer at the end like they think they’re William Hurt and Kathleen Turner in ‘Body Heat’. They’re really not.
Baron Counterpane says
The “dancer” will be Maria McKee of Lone Justice and of oft-trotted-out Fergal Sharkey/Benmont Tench anecdote fame.
Blue Boy says
Good grief, so it is. Not sure if that makes it better or worse….
illuminatus says
Thing is, Schnozzle is ace, so it bothers me not at all.
Rigid Digit says
The bit at the end of Sex Pistols Problems when John just monstrously repeats “Problem”. Why? Just end the song with a nice piano glissando or something
Twang says
The story bit in Thick As A Brick wears thin quite quickly. I don’t mind it too much but I kind of wish it wasn’t there, and on the reissue it’s a separate track so easily skippable/untickable on iTunes.
Colin H says
Surely you mean the Hare/Spectacles story bit in ‘A Passion Play’, Twang?
Twang says
Sorry yes APP.
Colin H says
The phrase ‘woos me’ in the Beatles ‘Something’ is a bit cringey. It’s clearly there solely because George was having trouble finding something to rhyme with ‘moves me’. See also the black and white cat in the Postman Pat song – surely a character created on the basis of finding something in the title song to rhyme with Pat.
minibreakfast says
Noooooooo! Leave Jess alone! She’s a crucial character. 😉
Anyway, everyone knows the best track on the Postman Pat album is this little jazz gem:
Colin H says
Yes – a classic!
Rigid Digit says
George has history here. While his instrument was softly crying, he looked at the floor and saw it needed sweeping.
“Never be scared of a rhyme” – Noel Gallagher is the current master at banal rhymes for the sake of it
Colin H says
Hmm, you have a point, Rij. Neil Diamond’s ‘I Am, I Said’ is the classic example of Noel’s advice – and Neil delivers it with such conviction that one hardly notices the absurdity:
“I am”… I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
Black Celebration says
I have done a Johnson-type thought process on this very passage. Is it ridiculous – or is it a simple expression of deep philosophical concepts over self and conciousness? I have landed on the “ridiculous” side.
ganglesprocket says
Ah Neil Diamond… “Songs she sang to me! Gifts she brang to me!”
He has “form”
Tony Japanese says
He could’ve easily sang ‘Songs she’d sing to me! Gifts she’d bring to me!’
Tony Japanese says
I wonder what the alternatives were – Postman Bruce and his Alaskan Moose?
illuminatus says
I’d watch that.
Or Postman Derek, and his Elk named Eric.
Eric the elk.
retropath2 says
When the scanning is all wrong and words get mispronounced (TTD’Arby’s in cool hevv-en )or the order is all askew. Forgiveable in english as a foreign. (Take on Me)
PaulVincent says
Side 3 of Yes’s TFTO always catches me out. This otherwise groovy jazzy workout is briefly interrupted by probably Jon Anderson’s twee-est recorded moment, when over a delicate acoustic guitar he starts bleating (!) on about “Does a lamb cry out before we shoot it dead?”. Agh! There it sits, lurking, waiting to spoil my enjoyment, every time.
Mike_H says
Yet again I am obliged to return to Rod Stewart’s Maggie May for the cringe-inducing moment that springs most easily to my mind.
Ol’ Rodders can write good lyrics when he can be bothered. Seemingly he just couldn’t be arsed though, when he wrote “I laughed at all of your jokes. My love you didn’t need to coax.”
Boo! Hiss!
chilli ray virus says
Yes – particularly as there are options – blokes, smokes, folks, hoax, cokes, strokes.
“i laughed at all of your jokes…. and bought you all those bourbon and cokes … ” there you go Roderick – not that hard (although would have fallen foul of the BBC ad laws).
Mike_H says
But why did he want to mention laughing at her jokes in the first place, unless she was a comedian by trade?
So much of the thing smacks of knocking out a “this’ll do” song. The one redeeming feature of the song is that line “Or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool.”
Tony Japanese says
Perhaps they were offensive and nobody else found them that funny?
chilli ray virus says
“I laughed at all of your jokes – about the dwarves and the artichokes”. Much better I’m sure you’d agree
illuminatus says
Veering worryingly towards “Of course, it’s the …Gnome Service!” territory there.
Moose the Mooche says
““I laughed at all of your jokes, Introduced you to John Noakes”?
Tony Japanese says
“I laughed at all your quips/You let me fondle your [*vocal drops out unexpectedly for reasons @fentonsteve would no doubt be able to explain*]
dai says
“Only redeeming feature”? It’s a brilliant song, maybe his best.
eddie g says
I think the golden rule of verse is use the dodgy rhyme first. Had ‘coax’ arrived before ‘jokes’ it might have been more effective.
Despite my advice to these songwriters however I remain considerably poorer than Rod.
Tahir W says
What about “you’ll be my breath should I grow old”?
Aside from that cringey subjunctive, which should never have been used in any song after the 19th century, what about improvements like:
You’ll be my death should I grow cold
or
You’ll be my hair should I go bald
or
You’ll be my meth should I need speed
Mike_H says
“You’re my false teeth as I grow old”.
Dave Ross says
Do I love “Nothing Ever Happens”? Of course I do. Are there parts of the lyrical shenanigans that go on throughout clearly indicating that there’s plenty happening make me cringe at times? Absolutely. “They’ll burn down the synogogues at 6 o’clock”…..
Ainsley says
Not a single cringe-inducing bit in this, but now that you’ve mentioned Stevie…
Tony Japanese says
‘Isn’t She Lovely?’ is a good enough song for the first three and half minutes. Then we’re asked to endure another three minutes of parent/child interaction. It feels more like three years.
Neela says
“Got to find a new place where the kids are hip”, sung by one of the least hip persons to ever become a pop star.
Gary says
Yeahbut, the bad guys know them and they leave them alone, how cool is that? I mean if he’d announced “I don’t think the bad guys really know who we are, to be honest” or, even worse, “the bad guys do tend to bully us a bit sometimes” then I’d say you had a point.
Kaisfatdad says
You are right. Gary. Until they start to sing, is difficult to think that any bad guys would want to be in with this lot.
fishface says
The Kinks…All day and all of the Night.
I love a good solo…..bloody hell, not this one.
I once heard Jimmy Page was present when the song was cut and laughed at Dave’s playing.
Arthur Cowslip says
Oooooh, you could not be wronger. One of my favourite solos! Pure adrenaline. Jimmy Page can take his twenty minute violin bow guitar solos and stick them up his arse.
eddie g says
True that. For my money Page only managed three decent guitar solos in his Zeppelin career- the ones on ‘Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You’, ‘Stairway’ and ‘Communication Breakdown’.
Twang says
I’d swap Whole Lotta Love for Since I’ve been which to me is a complete mess.
eddie g says
I love the riff to ‘Whole Lotta Love’ but I’d willingly delete the wibble-wobble-wooh-wah’s of the tiresome solo.
Podicle says
Fools!
Archilles last Stand is the greatest solo ever recorded. And I’d give a special mention to Celebration Day.
eddie g says
I remember buying ‘Presence’ as a schoolkid and thinking ‘this sounds like shit but maybe I’ll grow into it’. I didn’t. And it does. I like Zeppelin Three but (apart from ‘Since’) not for the guitar solos. He does some nice strumming on ‘Tangerine’ and ‘That’s the Way’. To me it always sounds as if Page solos are written down in front of him on a sheet and someone is turning over the paper on the longer ones. Clinical. Without the fluidity of a Townsend or the flash of a Hendrix.
Black Celebration says
People are People so why should it be…
You and I should get along so awfully?
It’s a great song otherwise. Terrible, terrible lyric and spoils the song. Big hit though, so what do I know?
Kaisfatdad says
Incidentally, I really enjoyed your sketch of winter in South East Queensland, Podicle. On the edge of a rainforest! That sounds exotic. We live on the edge of a Nordic forest and mercifully snakes are not a problem, however we often get deer wandering across our street on the forage at dawn and dusk.
Podicle says
I live on 20 acres in the mountains to the west of Brisbane, with National Park on two sides. On the right day, with the creek bubbling in front of the house, king parrots sitting on the veranda rail and wallabies feeding on the lawn, it’s easy to imagine this as paradise. There are actually wild deer in the valley behind me, but I’ve never seen them venture to my side of the mountains.
retropath2 says
Deer wander into central Glasgow at night for feasts of pavement pizza and the like. Becoming a problem, apparently.
kalamo says
There’s an early Thin Lizzy song “Remembering” which ends rather badly. I kept hoping they’d go back later and put it right.
Twang says
Two bits in “The Amorous Humphrey Plugg” by Scott Walker. When he sings, with heavy significance “screaming kids on my knee and the telly…..” it lands like a fart in the wind. Also something badly wrong in the arrangement, which sounds out of tune to me, e.g. at 2.02 but it’s every time the bloody orchestra ramps it up in the chorus. Bleah. Shame because the rest of the album is brilliant.
Blue Boy says
I bow to no one in my admiration of Bob Dylan as one of the greatest writers of our time. And I love ‘Don’t Think Twice’. But every time I hear this grammatical infelicity, written purely to serve a rhyme, it brings me out in a cold sweat –
‘And it ain’t no use in a-turnin’ on your light, babe
The light I never knowed…’
Come on Bob, you’re better than this.
Black Type says
I think it’s the little lyrical idiosyncrasies like this that make a lot of songs so endearing and memorable.
chilli ray virus says
I always thought it deliberate – part of the idiom of the humble, uneducated, rural singer Bob was affecting at the time.
Tahir W says
Yes, with a bit of poetic licence thrown in. But that is not what induces the cringe with that song. It’s all the rest of it.
To hell with your precious time, Bob.
Diddley Farquar says
Stairway to Heaven is pretty much a cringe-a-longathon lyric-wise, as it’s author soon came to recognise himself. As if that wasn’t enough he ad-libbed a bonus cringe in live performance back in the day, which was: does anyone remember laughter? I am sure you’ve all heard it. And once again Robert came to rue his choice of words. At least he’s someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously. There’s all that call and response nonsense too The 70s were the decade of cringe though the 80s weren’t too shabby either to be fair.
PaulVincent says
Oh yes, that “does anyone remember laughter?” is an enthusiasm-killer, right enough. And *ALL* call-and-response makes me feel a gig has suddenly turned into a kiddies’ birthday party. Infantile, crappy padding.
Tahir W says
“To be a rock and not to roll” pretty much sums up LZ doesn’t it?
Surely it’s way better to be a rolling stone?
Pessoa says
Tim Buckley’’s Monterey, on Star Sailor, is an anguished and pent-up performance of hurt and frustration until Buckely overreaches himself and lets out a sort of yodel that sounds like a Jimmy Saville impression. Used to be simply embarrassing, but now evokes all sorts of awkwardness.
Tahir W says
I’ve read this a few times and now I eventually have to ask what “all sorts of awkwardness” might be that are not just embarrassment. I’m very interested to find out, if it’s not too awkward to explain in public … you know …
Moose the Mooche says
If you’ve not kept up with the Jimmy Savile story, I wouldn’t recommend catching up with it.
When he was alive, it was standard to do a funny little yodel as a JS impression. Well, it seemed funny then. It’s not funny any more.
Do you think Michael Jackson impersonators are still doing the crotch-grabbing thing? It’s that kind of awkwardness.
Tahir W says
Oohh! Silly me.
nicktf says
The Song Remains the Same, yet for some reason Plant’s voice doesn’t.
The guitars in Big Brother & THC Summertime. Especially the second solo, which comes in like a wounded, flatulent bee. Great vocal, though.
The incredibly wimpy keyboard that Rick Wright chose to use in “One of these Days”,
we have the great Binson bass echoing, the wind and then……plink!
Twang says
At best Bih Brother were only just within waving distance of being in tune, in time and each other. Surely the worst backing band behind a major singer. I can’t think of a more useless candidate.
Arthur Cowslip says
This is a bit obscure but has anyone else noticed the bum note Nina Simone plays in Sinnerman? A painfully perfect, awe-inspiring and exhausting performance, with a clunky out of place note. Its about six minutes in, after the clapping bit and once the tune starts building again.
chilli ray virus says
There is indeed a dodgy note at about 5.33 on my Spotify version – like someone dropped something on the piano keyboard.
Arthur Cowslip says
I dearly love Funkadelic’s slow burning proggish guitar freakout Maggot Brain, but I cannot abide that spoken bit at the beginning. I need to skip it every time.
Arthur Cowslip says
That ugly pretentious spoken word section in full:
“Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time
For y’all have knocked her up.
I have tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe
I was not offended
For I knew I had to rise above it all
Or drown in my own shit.”
Ugh.
Tiggerlion says
I want that played at my funeral. All of it.
Podicle says
Am I a bad man for preferring the live version included with One Nation over the original studio cut? It’s Michael Hampton rather than Eddie Hazel.
Harry Tufnell says
Every rhyme that Leonard Cohen makes to arrive at Hallelujah.
Clunkier than the clunkiest clunker in Clunksville, Clunkshire, Clunkland.
Black Type says
And so I gotta say somethin’ to ya
You don’t think much of Len, do ya?
Arthur Cowslip says
That’s definitely one of those songs where the emotional intention far outweighs the lyrical merit. You have to switch off your brain to listen to it without cringing.
Mind you, I like the ‘minor fall and the major lift’ bit. A nice little clever joke for musicians, as the words describe the chords being played underneath. I bet you he came up with that bit first then struggled to fit the rest of the song round it.
Black Celebration says
I really like the words to Halllujah because I think the rhymes are intentionally funny.
See also “It ain’t necessarily so” –
Jonah, he lived in a whale
He made his home in
That fish’s abdo-men
Twang says
Of course the giggle in “The sidewinder sleeps tonight” is utterly cringe worthy. See also “Big Yellow Taxi”.
Carl says
I disagree about Sidewinder, because it seems to be a spontaneous reaction by Stipe to the ridiculous lyrics whereas I agree about Taxi because it seems forced and false.