Any fool can invent stuff and get rich. That’s the easy bit. The hard work comes with disposing of the cash and dealing with celebrity. But let’s not worry about that now!
I invite you to post your ideas for inventive and innovative inventions here!
I’ll start the cash cow milk flowing with this surefire idea:
“Dronie Stick” – Well ahead of the curve with this one! “Dronies” are the new selfies (it says here) so I’m stealing a march on the competition with my “Dronie Stick”! Allows you to control your Dronie from up to a metre away! Take “Dronies” at a touch of the button!
So come on, Afterworders! What’s *your* money-magnet gadget?!
H.P. Saucecraft says
I’m going to bed now! Maybe I’ll “dream up” another winner tonight!
Lodestone of Wrongness says
I’ve been thinking about this for a long-time (well at least since a long, rosé-fuelled lunch)…
I’ve invented these specs, right, that allow you to see right through people’s clothing. You can look at all the naughty bits for as long as you like and nobody will know, honest. Just send your bank details, pin number etc and you too can be doing what I am doing right now. Who knew Mademoiselle Gelly had such a splendid pair of (snip, ed)
Billybob Dylan says
Funnily enough, my “get rich quick scheme” was to invent a material that would become invisible when seen through a special pair of glasses. I would manufacturer ladies swimming costumes from this material and set up two stands on the beach: one selling ladies swimming costumes for $10 and one selling glasses to the blokes for $50.
Gary says
Is there such a thing as an electric garden trowel? I’ve looked on various internets and can’t find one. If there isn’t, then I hereby invent it. I want to plant some plants in my garden, but in order to do so I have to manually dig a little hole in the earth first. Fuck that for a lark.
Martin Hairnet says
A dog might work. No electricity required. You wouldn’t have to own it and feed it. You could just borrow it for an afternoon. Hey, this is actually quite a cool idea. Dog-a-DigTM
Martin Hairnet says
Tried to get fancy with my trade-mark symbol there, and failed. Evidently much work required on the road to entrepeneur.
ernietothecentreoftheearth says
Someone beat you to it. It’s called a badger.
H.P. Saucecraft says
Have you tried wiring an ordinary metal garden trowel to the mains, Gary?
minibreakfast says
The Acme Music Absorption Accelerator™ is a device that once fitted to your mp3, CD or vinly player will allow you to experience the effects of @tiggerlion ‘s six-listen rule while only having to listen to an album once. No more rushing to judgement! No need for slogging repeatedly through mediocre tigger-endorsed records! Say goodbye to having to go back to a thread to uprate your previous assessment of “strong seven” to “solid 8.5” (ahem)! Get the new Acme Music Absorption Accelerator™ for just $699.99*!
*Terms and conditions apply. Available on prescription for the severely hard of listening, e.g. Lodestone Of Wrongness. No, I repeat, no refunds.
Martin Hairnet says
Ok, mini – showing off your fancy html skills with your trade-mark symbols liberally sprinkled all over the shop. How do you do the superscript TM?
minibreakfast says
I copied and pasted it from wikipedia 🙂
minibreakfast says
Now you can just copy it from my post.
Martin Hairnet says
Cunning. Ta.
I tried using sup and /sup tags around TM in the html brackets but no dice.
Tiggerlion says
You haven’t actually listened to Blackened Cities, have you? Not even once.
*sulks off*
H.P. Saucecraft says
I listened to it once. Seems like six times.
Tiggerlion says
Mini’s machine clearly works!
minibreakfast says
I forgot to say, the Acme Music Absorption Accelerator™ is shaped like a Walnut Whip.
Rigid Digit says
Transparent hole punches – so you can actually see where the holes are going, rather than guess.
Same for transparent staplers.
May not be a solution to a problem, but ideal those who like punched holes and staples consistent throughout all suites of documentation
(just me then?)
minibreakfast says
Brilliant! This time next year, etc.
MC Escher says
Woah not so fast! I invented both of these last year, but I can’t find either of them.
GCU Grey Area says
I believe the transparent toaster was patented. I certainly worked on some drawings, but have never seen one.
H.P. Saucecraft says
You shouldn’t have used invisible ink.
GCU Grey Area says
Quite. I now realise my comment was ambiguous, and reads like an almost funny joke.
I really did do some patent drawings for a see-through toaster.
MC Escher says
You also killed my gag 🙂
GCU Grey Area says
I’m so sorry, MC. I should have let it lie.
MC Escher says
Hey, they’re not all gold you know. You probably did it a favour, it’s not been well for ages that gag.
Dave Ross says
The iForget a device that enables you to listen to an album for the first time again. Electrodes fitted to your brain means that you can erase albums from your memory. I want the excitement of hearing “In The City” for the first time again…
Rigid Digit says
I think that has been partially incorporated into a device called “Myageingbrain”.
Not fully functional yet, but I have trouble remembering what I had for breakfast, so some part of the interface is obviously working
bricameron says
Or you could call it “The instant Alzheimer”,or,”The thump in the head”.
minibreakfast says
Mr Breakfast already has a TV version of this, for episodes of Midsomer Murders.
GCU Grey Area says
Implement the ‘Undo’ function into either the Universe, or the Human Operating System.
Doing stuff on your computer? Made a mistake? Click Edit/Undo, and you’re back to where you were.
Painting a wall? Brush slips onto the woodwork? Edit/Undo, and no need to fetch a cloth, clean everything up, ect, ect.
aging hippy says
Fishipop – a fish-flavoured fizzy drink.
chiz says
Surely this idea belongs on the herringade thread
minibreakfast says
*applauds*
H.P. Saucecraft says
Clever bastard, innee?
BigJimBob says
RetroSpectacles. Put these on and you have the ability to see the present with “20/20Hindsight”™
retropath2 says
I’m wearing ’em right now. Soon you will know how right I am about folk music and Chumbawamba. (I’m looking at you, Stripey!)
Rigid Digit says
At Christmas, I presented Mrs D with a new invention – the iRon.
She very quickly removed my use of her other products – the iClean, iCook and iShag
Rigid Digit says
The Inverse Microwave.
“Ice? from a Microwave? – you’re a nutter you are”
Oh yes, never again the embarrassment of serving warm Gin and Tonic at some poncy evening soiree.
Simply place the ice cube tray (filled with water obviously) in the microwave, press the special button, and hey presto – your social standing at the Golf Club will be assured.
Black Celebration says
I’m sorry but that is very close indeed to my invention, the Freeez-o-wave. I might have explored the concept on Aferword v1 or even before that. I think we do have the science that allows us to freeze things instantly. I saw someone on How! (the science teacher one, not the oafish Fred Dinenage) immerse a chrysanthemum into liquid nitrogen for a second and it was so frozen that he could snap the petals off.
If we could harness that power – and control it – then we can have a unit that can chill your lager, create immediate ice cubes, instant sorbet and…erm…lots more! And as a bonus, the Freeez-o-wave plays bangin’ electro pop while it works. It’s a winner.
Rigid Digit says
Freeez-o-wave vs Inverse Microwave.
It’s like VHS vs Betamax all over again.
Liquid Nitrogen is likely to be involved in both concepts. Ultimate success will be down to the Celebrity Chef endorsement.
Adam Richman (Man vs Food) and Ainsley Harriott have confirmed support for the Inverse Microwave, but I fear this will be trumped by the use of 80s British Techno ditty IOU in the advertising of the Freeez-o-wave
H.P. Saucecraft says
I have in mind the Microgerator©®™. This would be a larger unit that produced coldness from electricity, in much the same way that a microwave produces heat. It could be used to store all perishable foodstuffs, and there’d be an Ultragerator©®™ section which would make ice from ordinary tapwater and turn chicken breasts into hammers!
Black Celebration says
I was looking for my hammer the other day, so improvising with a frozen chicken breast would have saved me several minutes because it took me several minutes to find my hammer.
H.P. Saucecraft says
PM me for details,
MooseMr Sleb! I can arrange to have a Microgerator©®™ shipped by drone to your address and dropped through your roof for a very reasonable (to me) fee.Black Celebration says
There’s a pm nestled snugly in your inbox along with my credit card details. Help yourself!
Black Celebration says
You see, using the IOU song as a soundtrack for the ad and having the extra e in freeez gets the immediate attention of the band’s enormous fanbase too.
On The Fence says
A volume control for kids or , even better, a rewind button.
mikethep says
Rewind how far, exactly?
H.P. Saucecraft says
A fast forward, shirley? Get them through irksome, unproductive adolescence in the blink of an eye! Straight from eat-’em-with-a-spoon cutie-poos to responsible, caring adulthood at the press of a button!
Mike_H says
…and think of the money you’d save.
All that squandered pocket money. All that birthday and Xmas tat they pestered you for and were bored with within a week.
Not to mention the tax saving on primary and secondary education.
Just think of the vinlys you could buy with all that loverly lolly!
mikethep says
Following on from the t-shirt, I give you the amazing Afterword Seebakroscope tee em Legendary Gig Time Machine! Hang out with JC in Sheffield watching Dylan! Groove with mikethep to Georgie Fame at the Flamingo!! Loon with both of them to the Stones in Hyde Park and Doors and the Airplane at the Roundhouse!!! Chuckle along with Freddie and the Dreamers at Batley Variety Club!!!! Not available in the shops! You know you want one.
Sniffity says
This may already exist, from all the people who claim to have been at that legendary Sex Pistols gig.
H.P. Saucecraft says
I saw the Sex Pistols at Spike Island. Amaaaazing.
hubert rawlinson says
Batley Variety Club, you could have seen:PAST PERFORMERS INCLUDE… (in no particular order) ::: The Bachelors, Kenny Ball and the Jazzmen, Donald Peers, Bob Monkhouse, Jayne Mansfield, Ernie Tomasso, Adam Faith, Maggy Sarragne, Jimmy Marshall, Jimmy Wheeler, Des Lane, Barry Lane, Helen Shapiro, John Bouchier, Les Escudos, Swinging Blue Jeans, P J Proby, Peter and Gordon, John Walker, Kathy Kirby, Jimmy Tarbuck, Christine Evans, Lonnie Donegan, Max Wall, Sandie Shaw, Ted Rogers, Billy Daniels, Lulu, Matt Monro, Joyce Howard, Billy Cotton, The Temperance Seven, Billy J Kramer and the Dakotas, The Beverley Sisters, David Conway, Scott Walker, Billy Fury, Will Gaines, The Chants, Eric Delaney Showband, Johnny Hackett, Three Monarchs, Frankie Vaughan, Audrey Jeans, Freddie & the Dreamers, Morecambe and Wise, Frankie Howerd, Dusty Springfield, Dave Valentine, David Whitfield, Long John Baldry, Morton Frazer Harmonica Gang, Sounds Incorporated, Vince Hill, Dorothy Squires, Solomon King, Englebert Humperdinck, Louis ‘Satchmo’ Armstrong, Gene Pitney, Johnny Ball, Martin St James, The Hollies, Des O’Conner, Leapy Lee, Gracie Fields, The Tremeloes, Wee Willie Harris, John Rowles, Micki and Griff, Ivor Emmanuel, Clark Brothers, Freddie Davies, Susan Wilson, Weavers Green, The Move, Gordon and Bunny Jay, Dixie Lee, Cilla Black, Del Shannon, The Kaye Sisters, Dickie Henderson, Mike & Bernie Winters, The Barron Knights, Dave Allen, Shirley Bassey, Marty Wilde, Norman Collier, Bruce Forsyth, Al Read, Kim Cordell, Jack Platts, The Caravelles, Bobby Pattinson, Ray Fell, Max Bygraves, Frank Ifield, Salena Jones, Sammy King & The Voltaires, Roy Orbison, Jimmy Edwards, Ronnie Hilton, Eartha Kitt, Norman Wisdom, Josef Locke, Winifred Attwell, Georgie Fame, John White and the Whales, Tony Daryll, Dickie and Dottie, Harry Secombe, Tony Holland, Marmalade, Duggie Brown, Ronnie Dukes & Rickie Lee, Tony Christie, Los Carlos, Cleo Laine & Johnny Dankworth, Richard Fox, Acker Bilk, Bobby Peters, Pat Parnell, Macie & the Cookies, Hylda Baker, Eric Conners 4, Heathmore, Syd Lawrence Orchestra, Bernadette, Jimmy Crawford Four, Robert Earl, Joan Regan, Wally Harper, Moira Anderson, Herman’s Hermits, Craig Douglas, Peter Gordeno, The Shadows, The Dallas Boys, Charlie Williams, David and Marian Dalmour, Dana, Richard Barnes, The Karlins, Tommy Ward, David Copperfield, Tiny Tim, Rockin Berries, Jimmy Ruffin, Johnny Mathis, Paul Daniels, Syd Little & Eddie Large, Freda Payne, Bobby Knutt, Marvin Welch & Farrar, Bernie Clifton, Barry Crocker, Dave Parkin, Guy Mitchell, Karl Denver Trio, Joe Brown, The Kenways, Kenny Lynch, Derek Dene, Wayne Fontana, Jess Conrad, Michael Bentine, Jackie Trent & Tony Hatch, The Peddlers, Bert Weedon, Johnny Kennedy, Ray Martine, Reginald Dixon, Vera Lynn, Maxine Barry, Lennie Bennett, Cliff Richard, Dailey & Wayne, Clodagh Rodgers, Ronnie Smith, Jeff Christie, Stuart Damon, Joe Dolan, Judith Durham, The New Seekers, Malcolm Roberts, Gerry Marsden, Hughie Green and Monica Rose, Lovelace Watkins, George Hamilton IV, Lorne Gibson, The Mixtures, Harry Parker, Olivia Newton John, Val Doonican, The Fourmost, Dave Berry, Bitter Suite, Everley Brothers, Tommy Hunt, Carl Wayne, Labi Siffre, The Grumbleweeds, Clinton Ford, Neil Sedaka, Vicky Carr, Buddy Greco, The Drifters, Mike Yarwood, Jack Jones, The Coasters, Lena Martell, Paper Lace, Tom Jones, New Tornadoes, Mike Reid, Al Martino, Roger Whittaker, Frankie Laine, Susan Maughan, Ray Stevens, Jimmy Helms, Guys and Dolls, Reflections, The Platters, Teresa Brewer, Millican and Nesbitt, Champagne, The Spinners, Slim Whitman, Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons, Chuck Berry, Black Abbotts, Madeline Bell, Peters and Lee, The Flirtations, The Fantastics, Fentones, Steve Martin, The Supremes, Tommy Cooper, Freddie Starr, Bobby Redell, Bernard Manning, Ken Dodd, Dana, The Four Tops, Gladys Knight and the Pips, Bobby Crush, Blue Mink, Danny La Rue, Gilbert O’Sullivan, Johnny Tillotson, Mike Terry, The Bee Gees, The Three Degrees, The Rain, Showaddywaddy, Howard Keel, Cannon and Ball, Trini Lopez, Candlewick Green, Lynn Paul, Charles Aznavour, Black & White Minstrels, Alvin Stardust, Pan’s People, Tom O’Conner, The Stylistics, Brotherhood of Man, Mike Harding, Sweet Sensation, The Merseybeats, Peter Casson, The Dubliners, Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, Tavarez, George Roper, New Vaudeville Band, Johnny Nash, The Nolan Sisters, Jimmy James, Black Onyx, Rupert,
attackdog says
Yes, and that’s just the tribute acts.
Johnny Concheroo says
Some great names of yesteryear there. Who could forget the wonderful Al Read and his catch-phrases “Right, Monkey!” and “You’ll be lucky – I say, you’ll be lucky!”
Just about the only name I’m not familiar with is Dave Valentine. Google brings up nothing relevant, too. Perhaps they mean crooner Dickie Valentine?
Rob C says
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(just flip the bird and…) Go bust the dog, buddy !
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Rob C says
Get your Stashund NOW while stocks last ! Meet cute chicks in parks AND GET STONED WITH THEM AND MAKE OUT !!!! YEAH !!!!
Just send a signed blank cheque to:
The Abandoned Foundlings Hospital
Bubo Lane
Rickets Spinney
Nether Snurtle
Somerset
(stash not included) Ta _/\_ 🙂
Kaisfatdad says
Combining two of my current obsessions, trampolines and mountain milkmaids, into one fantastic device, I give you the Trampomilker. Perfect for isolated farms on the fjords where there is no electricity, This amazing invention transforms the energy from bouncing on a trampoline into electricity which is then used to power a milking machine.
Instead of sitting squeezing udders all day, the mountain milkmaid can now bounce up and down happily all day on her trampoline, and still get the work done.
Less yearning, more churning.
minibreakfast says
“Less yearning, more churning”. Gotta be a t-shirt.
Black Celebration says
You’d need a lot of trampolines. And once you’ve got the cow bouncing up and down, how are you gonna attach the sucky things to the udders?
I’m n
Black Celebration says
Hang on I haven’t finished…
I’m not sure you’ve thought this through.
Kaisfatdad says
Bouncing bovines? Well, that’s a different angle. What an amazing sight that would be.
Other than jumping over the moon, I don’t think cows are too famed for their hopping skills.
But just imagine these poor young lasses, exiled to the mountains for the summer, and bored shitless. Thanks to my invention, they can bounce up and down, free and unrestrained to their hearts’ content.
Black Celebration says
I suspect your vision of the bouncing milkmaids is where things started and you worked from there.
mikethep says
Even more fun than the leaping nuns of Norwich…https://youtu.be/-TLLEAyyXxs
Kaisfatdad says
The Order of St Beryl! That still brings a smile to my face.
I really must stop Googling the word “milkmaid”.
Just discovered this story about Augusta Way, the gorgeous Dorset milkmaid who inspired Hardy’s character Tess of the D’Ubervilles. Her life was not so dramatic. She married Mr Bugler the baker.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/3560700/The-real-Tess-of-the-dUrbervilles.html