The most powerful man in the world may have met his match. Stormzy is very bright, achieving six A*, three A and four Bs at GCSE despite not taking school seriously. You can understand the acceptance of £130,000 to Shut Up in 2016, a lot of money for someone working in the Grime industry. That was well before last year’s number one LP, Gang Signs & Prayer. Having backed Jeremy Corbyn and dissed Theresa May (she’s a ‘paigon’, which means untrustworthy person), Stormzy had cracked GQ magazine’s top one hundred most influential people of the Left. Follow that up with a freestyle appearance at The Brit Awards incorporating a rap in support of the Grenfell Fire victims, you can clearly see why Trump is worried.
Stormzy’s lawyer hasn’t made a single misstep in arguing that 2016’s Non-Disclosure Agreement is null and void. In contrast, Trump and his team are a mess. Giuliani, the ex mayor of New York no less, has admitted that Trump repaid his ‘fixer’, Michael Cohen, the £130k in the knowledge that he made these things go away. Trump tweeted that he paid a retainer in a private arrangement that covered the Non-Disclosure Agreement, completely separate to and unrelated to his presidential campaign. Rich people do this all the time, hence the need for a £750,000 slush fund for Cohen.
There are a plethora of questions, concerns, issues, serious points to make on this whole sorry episode but I’m left with one fundamental question, and only one: why did Stormzy have sex with Donald Trump? Emerging from the bathroom, there was Trump in his dressing gown, sitting on the bed, and Stormzy thought, “Ugh. Here we go,” and, later or during the ‘generic’ sex, “I hope he doesn’t try to pay me.” What an earth, did Stormzy find attractive about the ageing billionaire with a comb over? Why not make excuses and leave?
Still, youthful exuberance and naivety aside, and, um ok, a bit too much shoutiness, I’m very impressed with Stormzy. I’m especially taken with the glittering smile and the complete lack of shame in bringing Grime to the top of the news agenda. Loving the blonde wig, too. I can easily forgive the odd sexual indiscretion and am really looking forward to the next LP.