The Deadloss Corporation welcomes you to Afterworld, a safe place where ageing balding geezers going round in circles talking gibberish are indulged, rather than pointed at and mocked the way you are in the outside world. This is only possible because we have a full cast of humanlike cyborgs to attend to your every fantasy. Why not visit our old-style saloon the Aspidistra and Hatstand where you might meet some of our earliest units who we, sentimentally perhaps, still employ in service? At the card table is “Old Bean” a model so basic he can only play poker and drink whiskey and even then only by having his hollow leg regularly drained. At the bar is Dreamdaze (yes “dream” AND “daze”, we were really taking the p*ss with our early models – we spelled out their true nature in their name and still they believe they’re real). In the case of DD a “Millennium Bug”-style programming limitation means he is unable to comprehend anything that happened after December 31 1969. Newer models are more sophisticated and frequently reassigned new identities. Most recently we repurposed “the rough one” from a touring boy band so that he believes he is a hairy » Continue Reading.
That cryptic photo game we’ve been enjoying over there -> has me thinking about how we see or miss things that may or not be put there deliberately for us to notice. As a for instance, because of some browsing I did following Pete Burns’ death, Amazon keeps shoving the album illustrated below in my face. After my first careless glance at the cover I assumed some wit had put the “You spin me right round, baby right round..” hitmaker inside a washing machine. But a proper inspection and the compilation’s title – Sophisticated Boom Box – revealed me to be wrong. But half a beatbox does look quite a bit like a washing machine …so I still have a niggling suspicion my misconception is a deliberate plant by the artist. It made me wonder if there are things you’ve encountered on your travels where you’ve noticed, or thought you noticed, something and have been genuinely unsure whether it was just “in the eye of the beholder” or intended to be seen. The whole subject is a bit of a minefield: the film Room 237 reveals a plethora of clever choices Stanley Kubrick made in filming The Shining, but is » Continue Reading.
What the utter f**k? A couple of days ago I tried to start a running joke that “Coprophilia” would be this week’s word of the week. Can it be that the rock ‘n’ roll Pope is a lurker on The Afterword?: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/pope-fake-news-francis-sexual-arousal-coprophilia-coprophagia-a7461331.html
Back in the nineties there was a record that got a bit of radio play. I never caught the name of the artist, but I presume the song was called “Bad idea” because, even though I don’t remember the verses, I recall the chorus went: – Ner Ner Ner Ner – Bad idea! – Ner Ner Ner Ner – Bad idea – where each Ner Ner Ner Ner was an example of a “bad idea”. The only example used I still remember was “Eurodisney”, which is why I’m thinking this was some time in the early to mid nineties. – It occurs to me that this could be a fun drinking game, where each person in turn has to name a bad idea, while subject to the discipline of four syllables (Tricky, I remember someone once commenting that Lemmy was one of the greatest songwriters because all his lines were only a few words long). For example: – Tigers as pets – Bad idea! – Farts in Spacesuits – Bad idea! ..and so on You could get certainly get away with four and a bit syllables: – Booze for t’baby – Bad idea! You may even think five will scan, » Continue Reading.
As tiggerlion’s great Album Of The Year poll approaches, AWers are making their lists and checking them ..ooh.. dozens of times. One record that will feature in a lot of people’s thoughts is this year’s surprise new Avalanches release Wildflower. It’s certainly going to appear on Arthur Cowslip’s list following his excellent and fulsome review in Nights In (which you should definitely read If you have not already). Now I’ve not done 200 listens, but I’ve spun this quite a few times and, well, I’ve been wondering why all the fuss? It’s not that I don’t like it. I do. But not …much. Last time I played Devil’s Advocate it yielded Bingo Little’s fantastic Frank Ocean post, so I ask with anticipation: are The Avalanches all that? I’m not asking for a justification of the turntable/mixer as instrument (although, hey, bring it on!). There are plenty of djs-as-band platters I like (as as f’rinstance I really like Visioneers’ Hipololgy album, but I absolutely love the bonus disc – and I emphasise “bonus disc” – where all the tunes flow in a single mix), but the Avos (I speak Australian – drop all but the first syllable, add “o”) seemed to » Continue Reading.
Year: 2016 Director: David MacKenzie
Might appeal to people who enjoyed:
Westerns, the tv show Justified perhaps, those who can’t get enough Jeff Bridges..
Year: 2016 Director: Robert Eggers
Might appeal to people who enjoyed:
It’s 92 minutes long so, for a start, it might appeal to people who enjoy films that aren’t tests of endurance. That said, if you’re looking for something to cheer you up, this might not be for you..
When I get down I remind myself of my extraordinary good fortune. As an employed, white university educated male born in (largely not violent, not religion persecuting, sexually and politically tolerant, sanitary and disease free) Western Europe in the last third of the twentieth century raised by loving parents (and, for a bonus point, adopted) who has reached his fifties with fully functioning limbs and faculties I must be in the top 1% of the luckiest humans to have ever lived. “Well that’s awfully mature and thoughtful, Mr R, and not at all like the usual sh*te you come out with”, I hear you say. Well, yes, I’m getting to that bit. A hypothetical question that’s often asked for fun is “If you could travel to any point in the past, where would you go?” Contained in this question, it seems to me, is the implication that you could materialise in the crowd at Hendrix’s first gig after the release of Sergeant Pepper’s or in the Estadio Azteca to watch the 1970 World Cup final or be present to witness the newly completed pyramids in mintnick glory, have your fill of whichever personal fantasy you choose and be home in » Continue Reading.
As I was stitching together my Halloween costume the thought occurred to me that the title of the movie “There Will Be Blood” has a fantastically economic efficiency to it. I wondered whether the formula could be applied to other media. I came up with 70s Glam Era Revival Show: There Will Be Mud Rumpole Of The Bailey Boxset: There Will Be M’lud Celebrity Bake Off Dessert Edition: There Will Be Pud Paul Newman Movie Retrospective: There Will Be Hud Orson Welles Movie Retrospective: There Will Be Rosebud Trainspotting 2: There Will Be Spud New Order’s Complete Album Collection: There Will Be Brotherhood My Coffee Table Book Exclusively Featuring British Bands From The Late 80s/Early 90s With One Word Single Syllable Names: There Will Be Cud Of course, it’s enormously restrictive adhering to words which rhyme with “blood”. Lose this and a whole universe opens up – New AC/DC album: There Will Be Riffs New HBO show: There Will Be Boobs Jools Holland’s Hootenanny: There Will Be Roland Rivron Anyone else want to play “There Will Be…”?
Year: 2016 Director: Created by Michelle & Robert King
In two months time the United States will have to choose its president from the two most disliked candidates ever to run for the office. In the past year the tone and themes of the discourse have ranged from the nonsensical to the nonsensical and scary. A campaign which has placed front and centre conspiracy theories about Ted Cruz’s father’s involvement in the JFK assassination, Hillary Clinton spending most of her time off camera in a wheelchair because of Parkinson’s Disease and the incumbent President – a closet Muslim – being involved in the machinations of ISIS, is almost beyond satire. The nuttiness of these interesting times might explain why the creators of acclaimed Emmy-magnet The Good Wife have written a show about the consequence of a government takeover by mind controlling extraterrestrial insects. What sounds like The Thick Of It meets Invasion Of The Body Snatchers – a political satire/ sci fi hybrid – largely retains a lot of the soapy character interest for which its creators are known; it’s about as satirical as the film “Eat The Rich” and about as sci fi as Holmes And YoYo. In fact, » Continue Reading.
Who should pop up on my shuffle today but The Undertones (the band The Ramones could have been) with the song Julie Ocean? Ah! But not, alas, the lush, languorous 7 inch version, but rather the lesser-Spottied, hastily-knocked-out cut from the Positive Touch LP. The JO single came out some time after the album, but it did remind me of a thing we used to do in the old days which, for the sake of a name, we might call 7 inch Stick-Or-Twist. Younger AWers will find this difficult to believe, but in the old days people used to go to record shops and buy the latest hits etched onto PVC platters. (*Young hipster scratches facial foliage, rolls eyes* “dude, I have, like, ten vinyls. I know what a record is..”) Indeed, my bebumfluffed young chum – and sic on “vinyls” by the way – but the important word in that sentence was latest. Y’see in the olden times, if you wanted to buy a single there was a window of about a month when it was in the shops (if at all, in the godforsaken Backwardsland where I lived) when it was actually available to purchase. No ascension to » Continue Reading.
Some people spend hours picking them out Constantly changing them out of doubt Sketching designs on a piece of paper To perfectly represent their creator
So minimalistic Grey and symmetric As if to signify une personne robotique Although I never put you in place I soon became attached to your featureless face
I don’t where you went I don’t know where you are You were my randomly assigned avatar And I won’t forget you no matter where you are
(*Sniff* Just… I need a moment….)
So now I’ve got this shoal of fish And I don’t mean to sound peevish But they’re green and going nowhere Are they meant to be Irish?
What does it sound like?:
Forrest Gump’s dear old Ma took quite a post mortem kicking for her observation that “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get”. (“You’re going to get chocolates!”. You can tell which is the the coffee one by studying the picture inside the lid or by the fact it’s the only one left”, shouted the pedants). Poor blind* Mrs Gump (*I’ve not seen the film – always suspected it was the pink wafer of the cinematic biscuit tin) might have been spared such funcrushing nitpicking had she saved her wisdom pearls for some of the poppy/soul/r’n’b/hip hopuses of the 21st century. Break the cellophane on Cody Chesnutt’s Headphone Masterpiece or Cee Lo Green Is The Soul Machine and you hear artists comfortable drawing from a whole sweet shop of musical flavours and switching between them like sugar-becrazed kids racing from slides to swings to roundabout in the playground. ‘Course the foundation flavour is the chocolate brown spine of soul/r’n’b and if you want to know what’s next there’s a track listing. Perhaps almost quite ready to join these Little **Princes is Anderson .Paak. Malibu, his second album » Continue Reading.
It’s catching! There follows a meandering and essentially pointless post in the spirit of my comrade bricameron.. Max Romeo’s “Chase The Devil” came up on shuffle today and it reminded me of an earlier observation that, going by this song (and pretty much everything I know about what differentiates Rastas I’ve picked up from songs), Rastafarians are comfortable with the idea that aliens, no less than our lot, are subject to the mischievous whims of The Thing We Call God and the very same Devil. I can only speculate whether they assume another species light years away would have its own Jesus and Haile Selaisse (Would alien Jesus – or alien Haile – have funny lumps on their forehead? Or tentacles? And given that there are billions and billions of planets, how many kids has God got? “Panspermia”, indeed). That the loving and wise God of the New Testament (OMAA) allows so much misery is a sticking point for many people and interpretations which sound like tunes by George Michael and U2 (“You Gotta Have Faith” and “She Moves In Mysterious Ways”) offer little consolation to the doubters. But there may be help at hand. Many serious scientists now believe » Continue Reading.
Over on the Blogger Takeover thread Gary laments that the Dad’s Army movie, despite a fine cast, is a laugh-free zone. We’ve just had big screen Ab Fab and now David Brent gazes at me from the side of my bus. The history of Brit TV on film is not glorious, with even a commercial smash like The Inbetweeners Movie resorting to the tired “the characters you love – now abroad!” plot device. I sat down with a pencil for ten minutes and the only Brit TV show makes mighty fine movie I could come up with was Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa. What are the others?
How bizarrely unGerman: gifting a penalty to Italy, then to France and the keeper flapping one into the path of the tournament’s top scorer. But most bizarre – the Germans atypically whining at the ref in the first half and straight out crumbling after giving away the penalty (okay, not to the degree England did with 70 minutes to go, but still..)
So, it turns out, even though many of us were shot during the last escape, our movie was so successful that Hollywood has demanded a sequel. The German prison camp commander, played by Ming The Merciless (“Are Ve Der Baddies Or Vot?”) has proposed a football match between the allied prisoners and a crack German team to be played in front of Old One Ball himself. I gather this was tried before and included in its cast some of the most respected footballers of all time such as Pelé, Bobby Moore and the 1980 Ipswich Town team. Since Bobby Moore and Pelé are no longer with us (*check this later, but probably fine*) their place will be taken by their closest contemporaries – John Terry and Cristiano Ronaldo. (JT wasn’t actually cast – he heard about lthe film and kept turning up every day in prison camp uniform). As a lot of people know, Michael Caine has shuffled off to that great Wayne Manor in the sky to find out what it’s all about (*again, should be fine*). No one man could replace such a talent, so it’s been decided his part will be played for one half of the » Continue Reading.
(*sidles up beside you, eyes dart both ways, speaks softly through the side of mouth*) There’s talk of a tunnel… Seeing daring kid Styrofoam Plates’ escape end as he’s brought back inside the gate and marched straight to “The Cooler” was the last straw for the men. Coming, as it did, so soon after KFD’s disastrous attempt to go over the wall via a trampoline made from uniforms, cracker elastic and crutches, it has focused the minds of the escape committee. Work will begin immediately on three tunnels. “V” and “W” will be our back up, but the major effort will be directed towards “U”. (Probably as well, since Lodestone Of Wrongness and ernietothecentreoftheearth are in charge of the other tunnels). GCU Grey Area will get cracking on false documents for all the chaps. Tim The Admin will provide new identities. Paul Wad is providing the counterfeit money.
The outside is a harsh place. The people there don’t speak our language. Some of them have never even heard of the Beano Album. Our prison is in a very remote location. The first people we meet on the outside will be simple folk, untroubled by the complexities of the modern world. » Continue Reading.
What does it sound like?:
“I made Sunday Candy, I’m never going to hell” says Chance on Ultralight Beam, the opening track of Kanye’s “Life Of Pablo”. Well, he’s not done praising, as Coloring Book, his new mixtape, is full of exultations to the almighty. That’s because, he tells us “when the praises go up, the blessings come down”. And Chance feels so blessed can’t contain himself. He’s arrived in that moment when he’s so thrilled to be making a life with his lady and new daughter and simultaneously feeling his talent coming into full bloom that his bliss is infectious and oozes from every pore of Coloring Book. If last year’s “Surf” (his last project with his own Big Jimmy Patterson, Donnie Trumpet) was a woozy afternoon by the pool, this is, for the most part, a more dynamic, diverse and poppy affair. Young Chancelor Bennett feels confident enough to try many styles although, reflecting this 23 year old’s burgeoning maturity, some of the standout songs here are the ballads.
Chance puts out mixtapes, not albums. I’m still not sure what the difference is, and the song “Mixtape”, where he hands the verses over to others, didn’t help » Continue Reading.
Cardew Robinson, observes BigJimBob on the “Last Of The Cads” thread, carved out a career from one gimmick. Although it does still happen, in the old two channel days the entertainment world seemed to be chokka with single gimmick acts. That’s not to say they weren’t special. Here, The Guvnor of ACTOG demonstrates brilliant skill in bringing his creation to life. And the great idea that sustained a two decade career: because the bird never speaks it can embody pure malevolence.
Another entry in that category of thread that might be termed “KFDplaylistbait”. It occurs to me that in this age when – as a for instance – U2’s career has gone on for longer than the period from the end of the Second World War to the broadcast of the first episode of The Young Ones, many of our pop heroes from the last century produced some of their finest work in this one. Admittedly, not so impressive a feat for The Coral (formed 1996) as Mavis Staples. But, as good as latterday Wire or Grace Jones’ Hurricane or even the mighty Blackstar have been, who among our 20C heroes has produced their toppermost work in Century 21? While you have a think, here’s Solomon Burke:
The idea is rock n roll puns appropriate to the Carry On films and characters. So the bleedin’ obvious – Limp Bizkit, Jarvis Cocker, Antony And The Johnsons, Basement Jaxx and Trevor Horn – would be a step short, while the usual content of your vulgar minds – Eddie Cockring, Fountains Of W*** etc – would generally be considered over the top for the “gentle smut” Carry On sensibility and should only be posted if they are funny. Here’s a few: Urban Nookie Collective Crumpet Shop Boys Andrew W.C. Jazzie Bidet Arab Jockstrap Iron Matron P Diddles Hall Gets His Oates Buxom Fizz Amy Outhouse Annabella Loo Paper A Bit Of The Other Two Britney’s Pair Pete Burns When I Pee The Goer Team Jilted John Thomas The Lavs Public Convenience Broadcasting
Top O’ Paddy’s Day to ya from this oul’ Woganbegone sod! 2016 is the hundredth anniversary of the Irish Proclamation of Independence (from the satanic Sassanach), so what better time to rip the piss out of the country that gave the world the worst ever record (“Zombie” by The Cranberries), tv show (“Mrs Brown’s Boys”) and treatment for restless legs (“Riverdance”)? Here’s a film trailer featuring a potato with an Irish accent:
Lost in the jungles of Brexitrumpland, just about ready to lie down and let the wild beasts consume me, I hear a sound which must surely be an aural mirage. Can it be? Dare I believe my sun scorched ears? Yes. Yes! It’s a new Bugle podcast. Hopefully, once a month from now on, says Andy Zaltzman. Blimey! The single episode covering 90% of the Euros will be very long.. *note to self* first Stewart Lee’s new show, now the return of The Bugle is unheralded by The Massive. Why am I paying these people?