Musings on the byways of popular culture
17/10/2017 by Jeff 61 Comments
17/10/2017 at 13:38
I am deeply ashamed to say that I’ve never had an invasive medical procedure*. I’ve also never had a scope of any kind up me bum, except for that time I accidently straddled the current HMS Vanguard while shrimping in Faslane.
*unless you count having a septic haematoma on my leg (caused by Danny Lau falling on me during a CCF obstacle course) stabbed with gay abandon by a locum GP when I was 14. He literally just sprayed cold spray on it and went at me with a fucking scalpel, the bastard.
17/10/2017 at 13:47
D-Bob setting the bar incredibly high there ^. Anyone beat that?
Colin H says
17/10/2017 at 18:33
Never had any invasive procedure either, unless a single ear wax situation counts. And despite my name being very close to colon.
Moose the Mooche says
17/10/2017 at 18:49
The Single Ear Wax Situation – Nordic chamber jazz combo briefly signed to ECM.
17/10/2017 at 19:34
Oh yes, I remember the Single Ear Wax Solution.
Their one album was a Manfred Eicher production, I think.
Engineered at Rainbow Studios by Jan Erik Kongshaug.
Ethereal. Angular. Oblique.
17/10/2017 at 21:33
17/10/2017 at 21:45
And came in a bloody dreary B&W ‘art photo’ sleeve just like everything else on ECM.
20/10/2017 at 09:57
They even did that with Kylie didn’t they ?
What a strange signing that was.
17/10/2017 at 13:50
Yep. Only things so far have been the emergency removal of a very “angry” appendix, and a lump of bone chiseled* off my ankle under epidural and no sedative. Hard as nails, me. *whimpers*
*literally with a hammer and chisel, albeit special surgical ones
17/10/2017 at 14:02
Er, I don’t want to throw a hammer in the works here, but is a sedative strictly necessary for ankle surgery if one is already having an epidural? Hmm? HMM??
17/10/2017 at 14:09
A sedative isn’t the same as a painkiller/anaesthetic. Although I expect those over on the colonoscopy thread wish it were…
Anyway, I was offered one but didn’t bother. Apart from getting rather shivery I was fine.
17/10/2017 at 15:53
Yebbut, shurely… Ah, never mind, here’s your ‘I’ve been brave at the Orthopaedo’ badge, you’ve earned it!
17/10/2017 at 14:23
They did the same to my septum after I broke my nose playing cricket (I failed to catch a cricket ball with my hands and used my face instead). I did have a GA for that – when I woke up I had bruises on my chest. “They’re where the doctor knelt on your chest to swing the hammer”.
17/10/2017 at 15:58
18/10/2017 at 09:22
I’m afraid to say the impact knocked me out and I dropped the catch on my way to the ground.
I saw little tweety birds flying round, just like in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
17/10/2017 at 15:16
I picture this happening somewhere in the deserts of Afghanistan, where GI Mini is bravely grimacing while having emergency surgery in a dusty tent.
Actually it’s mainly the uniform I’m thinking of.
17/10/2017 at 14:21
Investigative Lumbar Punch in my early teens after severe kidney infection.
Mild rubber glove probing by drugs squad officer in early 20s.
Emergency removal of appendix in early 30s.
We knew you were old, Mike, but you had your appendix out BEFORE THE WAR?
Also, I think you mean lumbar puncture. Punch seems a bit much.
17/10/2017 at 15:56
A punch was the nearest thing they had to a sedative in The Olden Days, min.
17/10/2017 at 17:27
In’t hospital? Dream on!
It were in’t coal ‘ole wi’ a rusty bradawl.
You young’uns don’t know yer born!
17/10/2017 at 14:50
Had my appendix out in 1964, but otherwise have been spared the scalpel. Have had the endoscope from the top down, but not bottom up…so to speak. I seem to have got away quite lightly overall, not even broken a bone.
I had a misbehaving thyroid a few years ago and had a one off radioactive pill thing – worryingly, the doctor had all the protective gear on when I was handed it, and I had to sleep apart from the GLW and avoid being near children for a while. Cleared it up though!
17/10/2017 at 14:52
Nothing enters my lower orifice unless there is fun and/or profit involved.
H.P. Saucecraft says
17/10/2017 at 18:07
Here’s a shilling, Pence.
17/10/2017 at 19:03
Wow thanks H.P. that’s a whole shiny sixpence more than last time.
17/10/2017 at 21:35
Here’s a penny, Mrs Shilling…
17/10/2017 at 15:25
Nope nothing here also – although the doc did say in my annual health screening that as I have now hit 50 it is “highly recommended”
17/10/2017 at 16:00
Get it done, Chris, then share your amusing bottom-based anecdotes on bri’s thread!
17/10/2017 at 17:58
Photos or it didn’t happen!
17/10/2017 at 16:31
I’ve never had one but I do catheterise myself everyday which keeps everything flowing nicely! Also had three Urethroplasties, where they take a slice from inside the cheek and rebuild the Urethra. It isn’t as bad as it sounds, I promise.
17/10/2017 at 21:41
Who amongst us here can’t say that though, eh eh?
Feeble cheap opportunistic joking aside, though, that’s… quite… some… daily routine. Amazing. Admiring and respectful hat-tip to you, ip33.
17/10/2017 at 17:15
I had one on Valentine’s Day once. That was the best action I was getting on that particular day that year …
Mr H says
17/10/2017 at 21:15
I also had one on Valentine’s Day which is also my birthday! Very bad planning. Did anyone else watch the whole thing on the TV monitor too. Looked like the old Dr Who theme – travelling through black holes etc
18/10/2017 at 00:40
Lovely. Yes my doctor points things out to me inside me which is slightly weird.
17/10/2017 at 18:11
That one TV quiz where this contestant is asked if she’s had sex, like, somewhere special, and she goes, right, she goes “up the ass?” Wasn’t me, anyway.
17/10/2017 at 18:50
Bummers are deaf!
17/10/2017 at 21:42
I ‘eard that, pahhdun?
17/10/2017 at 18:58
I did have the snip before I got married. (Mrs M knows what a tart I am). During the procedure I had a long convo with the nurse about Sweden. In a sense nothing could have been more Afterword.
Rigid Digit says
17/10/2017 at 19:09
Peanut Butter on toast, coffee, and a copy of The Independent was one of the better ways to round off a minor surgical procedure.
Made up for a big hairy bloke with hands the size of Pat Jennings brandishing a Bic Razor.
Didn’t expect to have to w*nk into a bottle and deliver it (by bus) to the hospital a week later
17/10/2017 at 19:43
I had the exact same experience just recently! Except I had jam, not peanut butter. And tea rather than coffee. And I didn’t have a surgical procedure or go to a hospital.
17/10/2017 at 20:02
“You may wish to ask your partner to help” said the leaflet.
That business venture ended soon after
17/10/2017 at 21:49
Large cash prize on its way to you.
PS plus a generous voucher for the excellent Pat Jennings reference.
17/10/2017 at 21:02
New National Express ad campaign: Come by bus!
17/10/2017 at 21:46
Hang on, hang on! Are we going to let ‘vasectomy + Swedish nurse’ go COMPLETELY un-hurrrr’d here? My God, standards have slipped.
17/10/2017 at 21:56
The nurse was not Swedish, you putz. It doesn’t work. A bit like my gonads.
17/10/2017 at 22:48
Let’s not get hung up on what are nothing more than, at the end of the day, merely facts.
18/10/2017 at 13:33
Shit, I totally forgot about the ol’ vasectomy. That’s invasive surgery, I guess, but honestly: after a bag-o-peas-heavy weekend of sitting on the sofa and only moving very gingerly, I pretty much forgot about it until it was time to provide the, er, sample.
Compared to having a coil fitted, or a smear test, say, I’m guessing it was pretty easy.
18/10/2017 at 13:38
And now you get to say hilarious things like “These days my testicles are merely decorative”
…. the long winter evenings etc…
18/10/2017 at 20:09
I imagine you moved more gingerly than Bob, though?
18/10/2017 at 20:21
Yes, I always move gingerly. Arguably better than moving blondely, which involves walking into walls and up railway tracks.
17/10/2017 at 20:06
Has the camera pipe down the throat a couple of years back.
Plummed for the anaesthetic spray and not the sedative….mistake.
Was rather saddened to discover the gag reflex does not give up even with a foot of what seemed like ” rich ponce speaker cable” down my throat.
Like a twat I quipped to the doc as he advanced toward me with pipe….”what you gunna do with that…open a window”?
His quick as a flash reply….”ohhh, you’d think so”
17/10/2017 at 21:48
Oh, v. good, both of you, nicely done.
17/10/2017 at 22:50
Only two small carpal tunnel op:s, one in each hand, ten years apart. Everything else sorted with pills.
My mum is rather proud of having had four children and not one of them ever needed to go to the ER, or even see a doctor for anything but vaccinations. I’m not sure why that makes her so proud; all that means is that we weren’t keen on sport or other physical activities, mostly sitting in a quiet corner reading books and daydreaming…
Black Celebration says
18/10/2017 at 06:54
Heyyy fellas! Us blokes are a bit shit at this sort of thing, yeah? We’d rather be doing DIY in the shed or watching football in the old mancave, amirite?
But – hey – get over yourself and rock on up to the doc and get your prostate checked. It takes a few seconds of a finger up your arse (just think of England!) and it’s a all done. You owe it your mates, your family and most of all yourself. Now that’s done and dusted – I think it’s your round !
18/10/2017 at 13:40
I had mine checked in 1994. Is that a long time ago yet?
18/10/2017 at 14:35
Indeed, it’s only two years away from the 25th anniversary deluxe edition!
18/10/2017 at 20:18
Oh no! Steven Wilson is greasing up his gloves as we speak!
18/10/2017 at 20:19
Think of the bonus content!
18/10/2017 at 20:20
18/10/2017 at 14:41
‘You know what you can do with your colonoscopy?’ I said…
18/10/2017 at 20:11
“What’s the matter, doesn’t he trust you?”
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