Alright, we’ve done the survey. But what does that tell us? Numbers and places, that’s all. It doesn’t let us into the chambers of your heart, doesn’t share your hopes and fears, your triumphs and failures, your most secret thoughts, doesn’t tell us you who really are. What we need is a summing up of your life, an accounting, a reckoning with biography.
To that end, pretend you have shuffled off this mortal coil, joined the choir invisible, etc. What will our newspapers of record make of you? What will they spend their word count on? Tell us below.
Kid Dynamite says
We may never know the true identity of the infant found in that remote highland gorilla nest. The wrecked light aircraft nearby has never been traced to an owner, and the male and female skeletons found within offered no DNA match. Of course, the story became a media sensation, and a fawning press nicknamed the child Kid Dynamite, after a then popular theory about the causes of the crash. A wealthy philanthropist, who preferred to remain anonymous, stepped in to adopt the child. He started to be schooled at Eton, but he was soon asked to leave, for reasons which have never been adequately explained. After that, the fledging Kid became an autodidact, teaching himself languages and science with equal facility.
Given his already advanced learning, he chose to forego university. Instead his teens and early twenties were an unbridled journey of hedonism, from the souks of Araby to the docks of Marseilles. Legend has it that he experienced a moment of clarity thirty-six hours into an illegal rave on an Indian beach, and resolved to use his gifts for the betterment of mankind instead of continuing down the path of selfish pleasure. A grateful world still thanks him, and indeed there are at least two communes in the remoter parts of the USA where he is worshipped as a god to this day.
With millions of lives saved, he returned to private exploration. Once he conquered the Challenger Deep and the subterranean lakes of the Arctic, what we must assume was his final journey saw him attempt to reach the summit of Mons Olympus, the development and execution of the first manned mission to Mars being a mere step on the path towards his goal. The public weeping and rending of garments when his capsule stopped transmitting are still painfully fresh in all our memories, but many still hold onto hope, and who can blame them? Perhaps one day he willreturn, and lift this fallen world.
Kid Dynamite says
I’ll be honest, this is mostly made up.
retropath2 says
Mons Olympus? I went to school with her, admittedly never scaling her heights.
Skirky says
Until I read Chiz’s below, this was my absolute favourite.
Junior Wells says
He died too short. Never made it past 5 foot 4.
PaulVincent says
“Nothing to see here; move along”.
fishface says
Body found in lift.
Twang says
“He was a really good bloke”. I’ll go with that. Assumes non family – they may have more pithy views.
The Actual North says
He Wasn’t Always Incontinent..
Mike_H says
Owner of the world’s crappiest record collection. His neighbours came to the funeral just to make sure he was dead.
“Peace (and quiet) At Last”
bungliemutt says
Who?
retropath2 says
He was trying to the end.
chiz says
Neighbours said he was a quiet man, who kept himself to himself, and told them the screams coming from his cellar were probably foxes
fortuneight says
At last.
SteveT says
Went out the same way he came in:
Bald head small cock
Lodestone of Wrongness says
A quiet unassuming chap with an enormous penis.
Lodestone of Wrongness says
Sorry , missed out the last word “head”
Rob C says
The 7th Avatar Sri Emperor Moon Weasel, he of the Sacred Rhododendron Bush of Worplesdon, dropped the body today and rose through the groovy firmament in a fiery rickshaw, blazing like a million larva lamps that had been badly wired in China, to the sound of celestial saxes skronking free jazz most Holy. Orchids sprang in bloom from the scorched mountain side, watered by the loving tears of the people. Until next time.
Ourdude.
retropath2 says
Larva lamp? So attractive to moths they pupate therein??
(Just sayin’ after your wode to woad remark elsewhere)
mikethep says
After a lifetime spent being older than everybody else, he selflessly gave others the chance to catch up.
Tony Japanese says
Tony Japanese was killed yesterday when his wife took offence to his decision to buy the 50th Deluxe Anniversary 10CD Box Set of ‘Speedway’ by Elvis Presley.
He was described by his friends and family as a snivelling little pillock.
davebigpicture says
Found under a pile of flight cases. Will be buried in his usual outfit of faded black jeans and t shirt, discarded electrical tape liberally applied to the soles of his boots. Reception afterwards at the bar of the Slough Travelodge. Mourners will be required to tell at least one unfunny tale which includes the mention of one or more obsolete pieces of obscure equipment. No flowers, donations to previous clients as they obviously need it judging by their budgets. Coffin by Set and Stage ltd, purveyors of felt covered MDF to the events industry.
Rigid Digit says
He tried, but ultimately an encyclopedic knowledge of Iron Maiden albums, Motorway Service Stations and the London Underground just wasn’t enough.
Pretty good at Excel though.
Will he be missed?
Only when someone needs to do a VLOOKUP formula or a Pivot Table
His last words were: “Don’t let my wife and kids sell my record collection for what I told them I paid for it”
Beezer says
Meant well. Was a twat though
bungliemutt says
He never really made his mark, but he leaves behind an unpleasant stain.
Dave Ross says
Popped in, popped out, popped off…..
atcf says
(Note to sub-eds)
Check spelling of surname
Sewer Robot says
I hardly need to bother with this as all you f*ckers will predecease me. Then the blog will just be the uploaded consciousnesses of me and young Tony Japanese (yeah, you just missed the breakthrough by a week – should have laid off the Fray Bentos) and, since there will only be the two of us, ALL the posts will be in jokes (I’m giggling inwardly at one particular beauty right now..)
fentonsteve says
It was a noisy life, and it sounded great.