I was hoovering (or vacuuming if you’re posh and that) downstairs last night.
The End. 🙂
No! Come back, you fools. Listen, no, wait
Anyway, as I was saying, I was hoovering when I noticed two wasps hammering themselves furiously off the inside of our kitchen window. Either trying to get out or as is more likely just being f*****g horrible generally.
I switched the hoover to suction nozzle mode and in an instant had them both swept off the window down the tube into the dust bag. Tzzz Tzzz, they went. As in one (bemused) Tzzz each.
If I could have spun the hoover attachment in the manner of a cowboy with a Colt 45 revolver into its holster I would have.
Any similar miniscule wins?
minibreakfast says
Beezer, I’m shocked. Why not just open the window and let them find their way out?
Beezer says
Look, if the two of them couldn’t manage it how would I be able to all by myself?
Moose the Mooche says
They will build a nest in your hoover bag more buzzy and stripey and stingy than you can possssssibly imagine.
Enjoy your victory!
dai says
My former house once had an enormous wasps nest right in the dry wall. They managed to eventually burst out and attacked my then wife and baby, she covered up our baby and ran screaming out into the street. Was stung quite a lot in the head region, We got an exterminator who sprayed some stuff into the wall, and he then vacuumed them up, either directly from the hole in the wall or off the floor where literally hundreds of them were congregating by the door. Shudders.
Beezer says
Arrgghhh.
I don’t like wasps. One crept up my trouser leg and stung me on the kneecap when I was little lad. I’ve never known pain like it. Not till another of the ******* stung me right on the middle of my forehead when I was out on my bike that same summer.
I don’t like the way they buzz around spoiling for a fight, desperate to be pissed off and in a stinging mood. ‘Oh, don’t annoy them! Keep still and they’ll go away’. How about them annoying me? If they want fisticuffs, they’ll get them from me.
hubert rawlinson says
Always follow this advice.
TERRY KEEPS HIS CLIPS ON
Vivian Stanshall –
When he rides to work (Terry keeps his clips on)
Like any other bloke (Terry keeps his clips on)
Slaving at the bench (Terry keeps his clips on)
Quiet in the gents (Terry keeps his clips on)
Twenty-five hours a day (Terry keeps his clips on)
Any other way, no (Terry keeps his clips on)
Let me tell you why (Terry keeps his clips on)
As his dad would say (To stop those wasps and creepy crafties
crawlin’ up your trousers)
When he mows the grass (Terry keeps his clips on)
Protects his private parts, all the wasps can bzzzz off
metal mickey says
I first heard this joke attributed to Tom Waits, but I’m sure it pre-dates him…
There’s a beekeeping convention and during a break 3 beekeepers are chatting, the conversation gets round to how many bee’s they each have.
“I have 10,000 bees, and 20 hives” says one “I have 50,000 bees and 40 hives” says another.
“How may bees do you have?” they ask the 3rd beekeeper.
“1 million” he replies
“1 million, wow!” they say “and how many hives?”
“1” he replys
“1 million bees and 1 hive!” the 2 beekeepers repeat
“Yeah” says the third, “Fuck em, they’re only bees”
Chrisf says
There’s also the one about the professor of wasp studies, who on passing a local record shop saw in the window “just released – Wasp sounds of the world LP”. Intrigued, he enters to have a listen.
After 10 minutes or so with the headphones one, he calls over the assistant….. “I’ve spent all my academic life studying wasps, yet I don’t recognise a single one of these….”
The assistant has a look…. “ah sorry sir, I know the problem – you were playing the Bee side”
Harry Tufnell says
This can’t pass without asking if the Wasps Rugby Union team has a B team.
Sewer Robot says
Like doors*, bees and wasps, para mi, are differentiated entirely by function. If it’s over there floating around and making a delightful buzzing sound, it’s a bee. If it comes near my face, it’s a wasp..
(*As per 70s fire safety film, a door is no longer a door when it’s ajar..)
Twang says
I went to swat a mozzie just now and it jumped out of the way then stupidly landed right back where it was and I got it with a backhand.
Moose the Mooche says
I’m putting beer out tonight for the slugs and snails. In the morning they will actually look worse for a night on the ale than I do.
Will keep the windows closed tonight, in case they start hammering the karaoke.
Carl says
Wasps in June!
Climate change has something else to answer for.
Moose the Mooche says
And these days you get mozzies everywhere. In my day you only got them in foreign countries. Whiney little bloodsuckers… like teenagers with wings.
retropath2 says
This is a clear prejudice against the dear sweet Jains, who wouldn’t, literally, hurt a fly.
slotbadger says
aww Sweet sweet Jains
minibreakfast says
http://i1350.photobucket.com/albums/p773/minibreakfast/IMG_20170622_080150_zpsmrncvedh.jpg
bricameron says
Hahaha!😂
mikethep says
Actually wasps, nasty little bastards though they might be, are really useful.
1. They don’t necessarily mean to, but they are massive pollinators, especially in spring/early summer. 100 species of orchids rely solely on them.
2. They play a big part in keeping down agricultural pests such as caterpillars, aphids and whitefly.
3. They’re looking at wasp venom to play a role in cancer therapy.
So @beezer, you just killed a bunch of orchids, gave a new lease of life to a load of crop-gobblers, and possibly sentenced a couple of humans to death. How does that make you feel? 😉
minibreakfast says
“They don’t necessarily mean to”. 😀
Sewer Robot says
…er… bees don’t actually “mean to” either, do they? (I wasn’t paying attention in Sex Ed as I was busy daydreaming about Peri from Doctor Who..)
mikethep says
“…even educated fleas do it…”
minibreakfast says
That’s what I was as getting at. Rather too vaguely.
mikethep says
Oh, I know that, didn’t want anybody to get too sentimental, that’s all. They’re still bastards.
Beezer says
Dead-eyed. Callous. Amoral.
*combs hair to look like Javier Bardem out of ‘No Country For Old Men’*
bricameron says
Are we talking White Anglo Saxon Protestant’s? 😉
bricameron says
Here’s where we fail. As someone else pointed out earlier on the blog ,wasps do indeed provide us with a volleyball service that we fail to return.
To be educated. Isn’t it nice when you understand and take appropriate unharmfull action?